Jokes

Originally posted by whodey
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with ...[text shortened]... mpty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."

Man goes to a monastery and asks if he can become a monk .
He was told that it's extremely hard and he must take a vow of silence for five years only speaking once a year and living in complete isolation .
The man agrees.
Just as the first year is about to end the head monk visits the man ...." you can only speak once a year ,what have you to say ?"
The man replies ...." it's a bit cold in here could I have a blanket ?"
The man gets a blanket .
Just as the second year is about to end the man gets a visit from the head monk ...
" you can only speak once a year what have you to say ? "
" it's a bit dark in here can I have a candle ? " the man replies
The man was given a candle .
The third year was about to end and the man gets a visit from the head monk ...
" you can only speak once a year what have you to say ?"
" I am a bit thirsty . can you get me some water ? " replied the man
The man was given some water .
The fourth year was about to end and the man got a visit from the head monk ..
" you can only speak once a year what have you to say ?" asked the monk .
" I don't think I can do this ,I would like to call it a day " said the man
" Thank God for that ,you've only been here for four years and all you've done is fooking moaned " replied the monk .

People say drinking milk makes you stronger.
Drink five glasses of milk and try to move a wall.
Now drink five glasses of wine, and see how the wall moves all on its own!

What do you call a Knight who is scared to fight??

Sir Render

At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"
Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

What do you call a judge who's lost both his thumbs?

Justice Fingers.

Guess who the president of the US is.....

Originally posted by sonhouse
Guess who the president of the US is.....

OOH I KNOW! a sexist, racist, homophobic lying (insert curse word here) , but the problem is that Hillary was also terrible. To the average redneck, these words from Michael Moore ring true.

"People are upset. They're angry at the system and they see Trump — not so much that they agree with him — but they see him as the human Molotov cocktail that they get to toss into the system with Brexit and blow it up, send a message"

Beer is my enemy.
God says to love your enemies.
Case closed.

Asks the wife: "Why do you go outside each time I practice my singing?"
"So that People know that I am not beating you up."

A man answers the door.
"Hello I am the piano tuner."
"I did not order my piano to be tuned."
"Your neighbours did."

Originally posted by Ponderable
A man answers the door.
"Hello I am the piano tuner."
"I did not order my piano to be tuned."
"Your neighbours did."

And they have offered to pay for it. 😛

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things, literally.

I have no idea why people insist that all politicians are liars.

After all, the Democrats insist that the GOP is ruining the country and the GOP insists that the Democrats are ruining the country.

Jesus went to the hotel reception ,chucked a hand full of nails on the counter and asked .." can you put me up for the night ?"

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”