Music and musician jokes

Two sax players, best of friends for years, one is married to this gorgeous woman and unbeknown to this husband, his wife is cheating on him, she's screwing the other sax player.

One day the sax player is in bed with the other guys wife and the husband comes home unexpectedly, his wife sees him and shouts to the guy screwing her, "Pull out, pull out"!

....and he says Why, am I sharp ? 😵

Originally posted by gregsflat
Two sax players, best of friends for years, one is married to this gorgeous woman and unbeknown to this husband, his wife is cheating on him, she's screwing the other sax player.

One day the sax player is in bed with the other guys wife and the husband comes home unexpectedly, his wife sees him and shouts to the guy screwing her, "Pull out, pull out"!

....and he says Why, am I sharp ? 😵

😴

There was once this young couple who wanted to get a pet and they decided they wanted a parrot. Because they loved music, they especially wanted one who could sing. So they went to the pet store and told the owner what they were looking for. The owner brought out two parrots to show them.

The first one was very colourful and quite attractive, and the owner told them that he could sing perfectly any of Schubert’s songs on command. The price was $2000. The second parrot was even more attractive with brilliant colourful feathers. The owner told them that besides doing everything the first parrot could do, he could also sing any aria from any Italian opera on command with astounding musicianship. The price was $4000.

As impressive as these parrots were, they wanted to see at least one more before making a decision. They asked if there were any others available. The owner said that he had one more parrot but the price was very high, $8000. He brought it out from the back room. It was stunningly beautiful, with magnificent, iridescent plumage, shining in a rainbow of colours. It stood tall on its perch and strutted around with a pompous, regal bearing, aloof and incredibly proud of itself. “Wow!” the couple said, “What can he do?”

“Well,” said the owner, “He’s been here for a long time and as far as I can tell, he doesn’t do any damn thing at all. He just struts around with an incredible self-importance, eats nothing but the most expensive bird seed, and all the other parrots call him, ‘Maestro!’ ”

A brass player walks past a pub.

Originally posted by Nordlys
A brass player walks past a pub.

It could happen!

Originally posted by gregsflat
It could happen!

Hey, I'm a brass player. It could never happen!

Let me try again:

The second violist shows up for the concert one night and the orchestra manager pulls him aside and explains that the conductor was in an accident and wasn't going to make it. He asks the violist to conduct the orchestra because , well, who's going to miss the 2nd viola part anyway.
The musician comes back the next night and the manager is praising him for his work the night before, and how well everything went. The violist sits down at his normal chair and the first violist leans over from her chair and says, " Where were you last night?"

Originally posted by gregsflat
Let me try again:

The second violist shows up for the concert one night and the orchestra manager pulls him aside and explains that the conductor was in an accident and wasn't going to make it. He asks the violist to conduct the orchestra because , well, who's going to miss the 2nd viola part anyway.
The musician comes back the next night and the mana ...[text shortened]... hair and the first violist leans over from her chair and says, " Where were you last night?"

Now that could happen! I'm fond of saying that I haven't looked at a conductor since 1978!

Originally posted by AttilaTheHorn
Now that could happen! I'm fond of saying that I haven't looked at a conductor since 1978!

If you could train a robot to lead an orchestra, would he be a semi-conductor?

I've had a stupid joke in my memory for about 50 years that struck my funnybone but was too crude to repeat to my family or friends. Maybe if I tell it on this thread I can finally forget it! I read it somewhere.

A young man who loved opera found himself enamoured with the prima dona of the local operatic society. He realized that she was older than he, but he was carried away by the beauty of her voice. He finally got up the courage to visit her backstage where he declared his love and admiration. She was not much to look at, but she did have lovely hair and beautiful blue eyes and a shapely figure. So he eventually asked her to marry him and was delighted when she gave her consent.

On their wedding night the ardent groom awaited to embrace his love for the first time. From the nuptial bed he watched her undress. First, she removed the wig that covered straggly greying locks. Then she removed the lovely white teeth and one eye. When she took off a wooden leg and turned to join her lover, he cried out, "Sing, woman!, for God's sake, SING!"

What's the range of a fretless electric bass?

About twenty yards (meters for the non-USA folks).

Originally posted by sonhouse
If you could train a robot to lead an orchestra, would he be a semi-conductor?

ouch

for that you should be drawn and quoted

In the 17th and 18th centuries, the courts of Europe were wont to maintain and support musical ensembles of various sizes and qualities. During those days, much wonderful music for strings was being written and played. As a result, players of stringed instruments were in demand and commanded higher compensation than many others.

As is often the case, some musicians used their extra prestige and money to buy things that would help to enhance their reputations, which brings me to the hero of this tale.

Harold O'Day was a wood carver of some skill and renown. In particular, he was known far and wide for the elaborate carved scrollwork used in violins. They were of great beauty, truly marvels to behold.

Upon seeing the quality of O'Day's work, violinists clamored for instrument ornamented in this fashion. Alas, while his work was truly wondrous, he was not a musician, nor was he as skilled at violin making as he was at carving. It seemed that the scrollwork he carved had an unpleasant side effect, causing middle C to lack the resonance and timbre of the rest of the scale.

Unfortunately, this characteristic was not noticed soon enough. Several violinists accepted delivery of new instruments just before a concert for the King of Mundavia. Pressed for time, but being unwilling to let their marvelous new violins stand idle, the instruments were used in the concert.

Things began well enough. The chamber orchestra soaring through a piece written especially for the occasion by P.D.Q. Bach (Johann's least illustrious son), bringing smiles from the assembled nobility. Just as things looked best, though, the score called for a passage centered around middle C, with horrible results.

The King sprang to his feet, and demanded an end to the violins.

(Bet you saw that one coming. Read on)

Because of this unfortunate incident, O'Day is known in some musical circles to this very day as the man who wrought the dead C scrolls.

The great composer Richard Wagner found himself under arrest for debt in London one day. His lawyer told him the city fathers claimed that every opera theme had been stolen from them. "Vhat!" cried Wagner. "Only Teutonic ideas are good for grand opera! I vill show you!"
Wagner entered the offices of the Mayor of London, went through security, where he and his party were ordered to declare any arias, operas, etc. Wagner sneeringly gave them a list. Immediately he was arrested and charged with grand theft. "This is an outrage! Vhat themes could I possibly have stolen from you?" demanded Wagner, and the English officer offered to give them a tour.
First, they came upon a vendor camped beneath a tree on the grounds of the Tower of London. His sign announced, "Root Bottom Stanley! Best deals in the Empire! Absolutely no one undersells me! Garfinkels, 2 pounds each." Nearby was a modest stand manned by a mole-like person. His sign said simply, "Garfinkels, 6 for a quid."
"Vhat does this have to do with me?" said Wagner. The Maestro replied, "Tree Stan Undersold."
Next, they moved on to a storage shed nearer the Thames filled with jars of fruits, preserves, and so on. A thin rubbery person of some far Eastern origin grasped the opening of one jar, crying out in a thin plaintive voice, "Please, can't I have some jam? Please, just a taste? Oh, how I long for it!"
"Doubtless," said the Maestro before anyone could speak, "This is the Nibble-Longing Lid."
Finally, the travelers were taken to a dock where a frog-like person sat trapping shellfish. His topknot glowed fitfully, barely visible in the evening twilight. Mournfully, he kept to his task.
Wagner flew into a rage. "Vhat rubbish! Vhat could this possibly have to do with me!"
"Dim Oyster Sinker," said the Maestro.

Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production. His death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over one ton. To take care of this huge animal, Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks.

The hog had terrible bad breath. It was necessary, after feeding the beast, to force over 100 Chlorets down his throat before anyone could go into the lab.

On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas had spilled the breath freshener tablets onto the ground. The doctor became enraged and began beating the poor ape, but his brothers rioted. The police report detailed the event:

"Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Beraid, with a hundred and ten Chlorets close at hand."