1. Subscribercoquette
    Already mated
    Omaha, Nebraska, USA
    Joined
    04 Jul '06
    Moves
    1113834
    07 Mar '09 16:28
    A beautiful young maiden walks in the woods and hears a voice call out, "Help me!"

    She looks around and then down to see a talking frog. The frog says, "Kiss me and I'll turn into a jazz musician."

    She picks up the frog and puts it in her basket and starts back toward the market.

    "Aren't you going to kiss me?" asked the frog?

    "Nope," she said, "I can get a lot more for a talking frog than I can for a jazz musician."
  2. Subscribercoquette
    Already mated
    Omaha, Nebraska, USA
    Joined
    04 Jul '06
    Moves
    1113834
    07 Mar '09 17:20
    Originally posted by coquette
    A harpist spends 90% of her time tuning her harp and 10% of her time playing out of tune
    - Stravinsky
    bumped to this page
  3. Standard memberAttilaTheHorn
    Erro Ergo Sum
    In the Green Room
    Joined
    09 Jul '07
    Moves
    520287
    07 Mar '09 17:39
    Orchestra conductors:

    The conductor’s existence is, essentially, superfluous, and you have to attain a high degree of musical stupidity in order to find watching the beat, or the conductor's inane face for that matter, easier for the purpose of knowing when and how to play than simply listening to the music. – Hans Keller, 1919-1985

    There are only six conductors in the world. All the rest are bums. – Isaac Stern, 1920-2001

    Even though they’re not blind, they still insist upon using a white stick. – Nigel Kennedy

    There is no profession (conducting) which an impostor could enter more easily. – Carl Flesch, 1873-1944

    There is no more obvious expression of power than the performance of a conductor. Every detail of his public behaviour throws light on the nature and abuse of power. Someone who knew nothing about power could discover all its attributes, one after another, by careful observation of a conductor. Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini, learned about dictatorship in this way. – Elias Canetti

    Every member of an orchestra knows that a conductor may be less well equipped for his work than the least of his players, but whereas the musicians quickly discover this, the society women and boards of directors, who directly or indirectly hire him, may never know. – Igor Stravinsky, 1882-1971
  4. Subscribercoquette
    Already mated
    Omaha, Nebraska, USA
    Joined
    04 Jul '06
    Moves
    1113834
    07 Mar '09 17:451 edit
    The conductor was in a rage at the orchestra. They simply had not practiced, were not taking the piece seriously, and obviously were thinking about other things, like getting home to dinner.

    "You must do better! We will play this again and again until you are all on beat and in tune! Remember, I have a perfect ear and can tell precisely which of you is out of tune, even by the most minute pitch deviance. If you are even slightly sharp or flat I will hear you and know who you are and fire you - IMMEDIATELY!"

    The percussionist was disgusted with the abuse and landed a soft "bong" on the large drum.

    "WHO WAS THAT?" screamed the conductor?
  5. Columbus, Ohio
    Joined
    29 Apr '08
    Moves
    19039
    11 Mar '09 04:02
    A conversation I had recently in chat:

    "I swear to god I'm so mad I'm going to kill a hundred bass players and one clown."

    "Wait. Why the clown?"

    "See, I told you - nobody cares about the bass player."
  6. Subscribersonhouse
    Fast and Curious
    slatington, pa, usa
    Joined
    28 Dec '04
    Moves
    53223
    11 Mar '09 08:181 edit
    So this violinist in Los Angeles goes to his doctor and says, I have been principle violinist in the LA symphony for 20 years and I want to learn to play Irish music, but my classical training gets in the way and I can't get the bowing or the fingering right. Got any suggestions doc?
    The doctor replied, Well we just made an interesting discovery about the brain. Using fMRI we can identify the part of the brain responsible for music and we can then cut out a tiny portion of that area and then you will be able to learn that Irish music you crave.
    GREAT, doc, lets do it.
    So the doctor sets up the operation, has the violinist on the operating table and braincase opened up and using the image from the MRI, finds the music center of the guy's brain and starts to make that delicate cut. Just then, a 6.8 richter scale earthquake hits LA centered right under his medical building. His scalpal cuts way deeper than he intended and after they get power back online, he sews the violinist up as best as he can.
    It took two weeks before the violinist comes out of coma. The doctor starts in with, Well sir, it looks like you won't be able to play Irish music now, the doctor explains.
    The Violinist goes, SHEEIT, Doc, that's ok, I wanna play some BLUEGRASS!
  7. Standard memberAttilaTheHorn
    Erro Ergo Sum
    In the Green Room
    Joined
    09 Jul '07
    Moves
    520287
    11 Mar '09 15:25
    There was this symphony orchestra on a national tour when the plane transporting all the musicians and the conductor crashed, killing everyone. However, out of tradegies sometimes some good can emerge. This was the case here because in a nearby hospital there was a man awaiting a brain transplant and now all these brains were suddenly available for the operation.

    The surgeon explained to the patient that the cost of the operation would vary depending upon which brain he wanted to use. For example, if he chose the conductor's brain the operation would cost $100,000 and if he chose the concertmaster's brain the operation would cost $50,000. If he chose the principal horn player's brain the operation would run $20,000.

    The patient was curious. He asked, "Why is the conductor's brain so much more expensive than the principal horn player's brain?"

    The surgeon explained, "The conductor's brain is brand new. It's never been used."
  8. Utrecht
    Joined
    16 Feb '04
    Moves
    121009
    11 Mar '09 16:03
    True story. Happened somewhere in the late 80's in "The Noorderligt" a music hall in Tilburg, Netherlands.
    That night Willy The Ville was on. He came pretty late in the afternoon, as most bands do. In the morning, early afternoon the crew and their trucks come first, unload the stuff and build up the stage. And get some wishes fullfilled for the band, like drugs, whores, drycleaning whatever. Later the band members follow for a soundcheck, then dinner, play.
    So Willy came a little late. Looked a little nervous. He needed some coke. Not just some, a lot. And above all; he couldn't remember most of his lyrics. There he sat in the dressing room, a few thousand worth of snow on a plate and all his lyrics in front of him. He studied pretty hard. The stage manager got nervous. This will be a rotten concert tonight he thought.
    Half an hour before the concert should begin. Oh sh**, the dry cleaner. The crew had given a lot of Willy's clothes. Stage manager drove like a madman to the shop. Closed. Phonecall, it's for Willy the Ville. Willy who? Ok just for this time. What's Willy's and what's not? The drycleaner didn't know for sure, but he could look in his papaers. No time to waste. The stage manager pulled out all the clean clothes for that day and speeded backstage.
    That night Willy The Ville performed in a dress and seem to know all the words!
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