WHEN I first got asked to play football in America I said no because I didn't like the idea of one of them helmets flattening my hair. Then on Thursday morning my agent rang. "Great news," he said. "Stuart Pearce wants to take you on loan at Manchester City."
"Yee-haw, Vicks," I said to the wife, putting a feather in me cap and calling it macaroni, "we're off to the gosh-darned USA."
It's a great honour for me to join the Galaxy because I've always rated their chocolate. And I have to admit I loved the idea of moving to LA-LA Land as he was always my favourite of the Teletubbies. I have got a few concerns, obviously. We're going to miss all the things we enjoy in England like; eating at McDonald's, shopping at The Gap, watching Desperate Housewives on the telly.
And I'm worried about having to learn another new language. But I completely mastered Spanish, so I'm sure I'll pick up American in a few years. Still, it will be sad to have to say "adidas" to all our friends in Madrid.
We'll have to learn lots of new words in America. We call it a pavement, they call it a sidewalk, we call it a wallet they say pocketbook. We call it a wardrobe but they call it a closet - our mate Tom Cruise is never out of his.
We call him Father Christmas, they call him Santa Monica. And they call their loos restrooms, whereas Vicks calls loos "that slapper". Of course I'm looking forward to going to Los Angeles and doing all the things we missed out on last time we were there. Like, Vicks took me shopping on Rodeo Drive but I didn't see a single horse.
And I can't wait to slip on them special shoes and throw a strike at the Hollywood Bowl.
But we did go to Disneyland. Vicks really loved Sleeping Beauty's castle, although she says it's a shame she had to live somewhere so small. We had a lovely meal the last time we went there and Vicks told the waiter about all the characters we'd met - Mickey Mouse, Goofy and Pluto. The waiter said: "What about Dumbo?" And Vicks said: "Oh, he'll have the steak."
The league I'll be playing in is called the MLS - I wonder if that's anything to do with ML Heskey? Soccer's not the biggest sport in America at the moment, but the Galaxy people say I can help them take it to a whole new level - even bigger than Monster Truck Racing and breathing down the neck of Competitive Eating. If I work really hard I can have almost as big an impact in the States as my mate Robbie Williams.
And when it's all over I'm in the right place for what I want to do next, which is get into Hollywood movies. Tom's already been in touch to say he's got the perfect part for me in a sequel to one of his old films. Which reminds me... I must get down the video shop and see just what I'll have to do when I take the Dustin Hoffman role in Rain Man 2.