"We could ignore [Mangini's] obvious lack of experience and talent, we could ignore his substance abuse and deviant sexual addictions, we even looked the other way when it came to his rampant kitten juggling," said a disappointed Woody Johnson, owner of the New York Jets, "but when we received a tip from the chess forums at Red Hot Pawn that there may be more than meets the eye concerning last Sunday's loss to the Miami Dolphins, well, we had to confront the issue."
Johnson and General Manager Mike Tannenbaum began searching for Mangini after the game and found him in the wheelchair-accessible stall in the bathroom behind the kosher hot dog stand.
"At first, Mangini denied deliberately losing the game in order to knock the Patriots out of the playoffs," said Tannenbaum, "then I told him to put the kittens down and look me square in the eye and say that again. Mangini paused for a moment, then his face contorted into this hate-filled twisted leering sneer and he said 'I took Belichick down. Soooo sweet.' It was at that moment we realized Coach Mangini was putting his own agenda before the welfare of the team and that his tenure with our organization had come to an end."
"That's the karma we get for hiring a weasel like Mangini," said Johnson, "but we're a New York sports team, that's what we do."