Jokes

What's the difference between hot and cold.
You can catch a cold...

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot — you can catch cold pretty easily!

An unemployed jester

Is nobody's fool.

I've offered my elderly neighbour £20 to try out her new stair lift.

I think she's going to take me up on it.

I went to visit a psychic yesterday.
I knocked on her door, and she yelled:
Who is it?
So I left...

@pawnpaw said
I went to visit a psychic yesterday.
I knocked on her door, and she yelled:
Who is it?
So I left...

My wife just stopped me and said:
"You weren't listening, were you?!"
I thought, what a funny way to start a conversation...

Apparantly every pint of beer you drink shortens your life by 8 minutes,

so according to my calculations I died somewhere around 1644.

3400

@a-unique-nickname said
3400

Wife: I have a bag of used clothing I'd like to donate.
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
Husband is now in hospital, recovering from a head injury ...

What kind of clothes do lawyers wear?

What kind?

Lawsuits.

I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

@ghost-of-a-duke said
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.

How the hell am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?