Jokes

What became of Dennis the Menace when he grew up?
He became Donald Trump.

Originally posted by pawnpaw
So hot in our part of the world nowadays, you have to feed your chickens icecream to stop them from laying boiled eggs...

And why did the chicken cross the street?

To watch the henrizon.

Originally posted by huckleberryhound
My 4 year old daughter told me this joke, it's the first actual joke she's ever told.

Why don't Bears wear socks?

Because the have bear feet.


Still fkn cracks me up. My wee angel.

Here's one on similar lines .....What fish swims under the sea at 100 mph ?
......A motorpike .
What fish swims under the sea at 50 mph ?
...A motorpike and side carp .

Originally posted by phil3000
Here's one on similar lines .....What fish swims under the sea at 100 mph ?
......A motorpike .
What fish swims under the sea at 50 mph ?
...A motorpike and side carp .

Why do squirrels swim on their backs ?
A.... to keep their nuts dry .

Which boxer ,having reached the world final being held at Birmingham England was so over whelmed by the occasion he had a dump in the middle of the ring ?






Answer ....Buster the boxer dog 1978 Crufts.

A husband and wife had an agreement not to go to bed angry with each other.
They've now been awake for three weeks...

Husband bought a mood ring for his wife.
When she's in a good mood, the ring turns orange.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead...

A boy is standing in church reading the plaque on the wall listing the names of the members of the parish who had fallen in war, but without understanding the meaning of it. As the priest comes up to him, he asks, "Father, who were all these people?" The priest answers, "They died in the service." The boy bursts into tears. The priest leans over to comfort him, saying, "My my, I've never seen anyone so moved by this plaque before." The boy whimpers back, "Was the sermon that awful?"

An old lady is busy sipping a glass of wine. Close to her is her husband of 60 years.
"I love you so much, I don't know what will I do without you,"
"who's that talking now, you or the wine," he asks.
"It's me, talking to the wine,"

Johnny has been visiting the house with the nice girls a bit too often.
He wakes one morning, and find there's a problem down south.
Goes to the doctor.
"Johnny, you know that rugby players get cauliflower ears when playing in the scrum?"
"Well you've got Brothel sprouts."

Paddy and Murphy were having a pint of guiness when Paddy said to Murphy ...." Bejesus Murphy wouldn't it be nice to see the Pope before we both kick the bucket "
" to be sure it would Paddy "
A man in the bar ,overhearing the two approached the pair and said " listen fella's I can get you two tickets right outside the popes window for this easter sunday ,£100 each "
The two paid the money and set off for Rome .They both returned back to the pub after seeing the Pope ,while having a pint the barman asked them .." Paddy .,Murphy I was allways wondering when the Pope pops out that window what's he doing with his arms waving from side to side "?.....paddy replies " he was shouting at us to get off me effing grass "

"Knock, knock."


"Who's there?"


"Impatient Cow."


"Impa--"


"MOOO!!"

What do you call a Japanese car thief ?
Tommytookamotor
Spanish man that has had his car stolen ...Carlos

Originally posted by phil3000
What do you call a Japanese car thief ?
Tommytookamotor
Spanish man that has had his car stolen ...Carlos

What do you call the lead man in a Spanish fire crew?

José

Originally posted by wolfgang59
What do you call the lead man in a Spanish fire crew?

José

Two psychologists meet.
"Can you tell me the time?"
"No. But it is well we talked about it."