xoner

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!"
I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Liquor is the step I didn't see.

I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

-Mitch Hedberg