\n \n \nMy manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" \nI can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. \nLiquor is the step I didn't see. \n \nI wear a necklace now because I like to know when I'm upside down. \n \nA fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. \n \nI don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. \n \n-Mitch Hedberg