Jokes

Originally posted by pawnpaw
My wife went to a beauty parlour for a quote. Took them two hours.
Then she came out with a mud pack on. She looked beautiful for two days, then the mud fell off.

My wife asked me " do you think these jeans make me look big ?"
I said " no, it's not the jeans it's your great big fat rrse ,luv."

A large hole has just appeared on the KIngs road in London .
A police spokesman has said " at this moment we have men currently looking into it .
A thief has broken into New Scotland yard police station and stolen all the toilets ,a police spokesman has reported that investigations are ongoing but at the moment the police have nothing to go on .

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Originally posted by ale1552
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

My mate got to be so paranoid that he stopped playing Rugby because every time his team got a scrum he thought they were talking about him.

2 Hydrogen buffalo + 1 Oxygen buffalo = 1 Water buffalo.

What do you call an Ethiopian who takes a crap in front of all his village neighbors? A show off.

Originally posted by chaney3
What do you call an Ethiopian who takes a crap in front of all his village neighbors? A show off.

My mate said he was going to open a pub in Ethiopia ,I said you must be crazy .
He said ... why? have you seen them they all have beer bellies

A man walked into a bar.
He said ouch.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and God? A: God doesn't think He's a fighter pilot.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/pilotjokes.html

She told me she ate too much, totally full.

She was right. Her farts were bigger than her stomach.....

Waiter: That is not a hair in your soup, that is the sausage.

what do you call a midget with a 40 pound ball?
half nut

Golfing through the years

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan , the other to Florida .  They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf. 
 
At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs …”
“OK.”
 
Ten years later at age 40 they play, afterwards:
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”
 
Ten years later at age 50 they play, afterwards:
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”
 
At age 60 they play, afterwards:
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price.”
“OK”
 
At age 70 they play, afterwards:
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.”
“OK.”
 
At age 80 they play, afterwards:
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

Originally posted by moonbus
Golfing through the years

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan , the other to Florida .  They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf. 
 
At age 30,  they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the ...[text shortened]... y play, afterwards:
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

I see they have just put up the price of whisky up in Saudi Arabia .
It's gone up another ten lashes .

Originally posted by phil3000
I see they have just put up the price of whisky up in Saudi Arabia .
It's gone up another ten lashes .

The Chinese Olympic squad