These are from Jon Carroll's column in today's SF Chronicle:
I understand that you have chosen pink carnations to decorate the canopy under which Chelsea will walk. This is a bad idea. Chelsea specifically did not want any pink in the bridesmaids’ dresses; she thinks that pink is too “girly.” So pink is exactly what Chelsea does not want. Got it?
And carnations! Maybe that’s OK for the boutonniere of some groom getting married at the Odd Fellows hall in Oshkosh, but never for a grand event like this one. You might as well have daisies! (Oshkosh is the jewel of Winnebago County. I want to be clear on that.)
Also, while you order the new flowers, could you open up a back channel to Iran? Negotiations are proving fruitless, and we need to work with the Iranians to blunt the Republican push against our peace efforts.
Also ask if they have any trained assassins. Don’t ask why; just do it. Also, please no mums, I beg you. We have to be creative.
Thanks for the updated schedule. I have been working on my core in my private stretching sessions. My hamstrings are just not cooperating; they’ve been like that since I was a teenager. My glutes are stronger, though, and when I do Downward-Facing Dog I can really feel the difference.
I’m sensing that I’m progressing to ananda very quickly. I have you to thank for that. And I feel gratitude to my classmates; I’m sorry so many had to be excluded because they did not pass Secret Service screening. So many drug arrests! Who knew?
And while you’re at it, could you see what Putin is thinking these days? We more or less gave him the Crimea, which is OK because we didn’t really need it. Just call him up at the cell number I gave you and say, “Vlad, do you really want all of Ukraine? If you do, we’ll take St. Petersburg in return.” It’s really near Finland, so it’s almost European.
And remember those people that Donna was looking into? Well, we have them now, and we’ve sent them to Hatha House. Just keep them safe; they could probably do custodial work. Maybe they have hamstring problems too.
I am not liking these funeral arrangements at all. First of all, what is with the color of the rug in the reception area? No one has a mustard rug anymore; it makes it look as though everyone has jaundice. And the plans for live music are really too much. The Queen’s Own Skiffle Band? Where did you get them? And please, no massed bagpipers. Talk about overkill!
Of course we should serve Champagne. These people will be thirsty — I’m sure Bill’s eulogy will be much too long — and drinking alcohol after a memorial service is almost mandatory. Not for me; instruct the waiters to serve me sparkling water in a Champagne glass.
And no dancing. We’re not Irish, after all.
So if you could make sure those things are taken care of, pronto, it would be much appreciated. And for God’s sake see what you can do about the Benghazi hellhole. Just get everybody out of the damn place; diplomacy is obviously not working there.
I sometimes think we never should have gotten rid of Khadafy. He was a war criminal, but he was our war criminal. And tell them not to pay any attention to that Muhammad video. It’s just a scam by a nutcase in LA.
Oh, and remember those guys that Donna sent to Hatha House? I think we can make use of them now. I was thinking of starting with Jeb Bush. Something very untraceable. How about that poisoned umbrella trick? Not that there’s any rain in Florida.
Please, no Ted Cruz. Tell them very specifically I said that. He’d be great to run against, that lovable scamp. Let him open his mouth once about women’s health care, and I’ll nail him to that cross he loves so much.
I don’t mean to sound harsh. I am, of course, in mourning.