Lawyer Jokes

Come on, let's have them.

I'm especially interested in the ones that get a good guffaw from the lawyers themselves.

@kevin-eleven said
Come on, let's have them.

I'm especially interested in the ones that get a good guffaw from the lawyers themselves.

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This one is originally about Engineers, but I feel it equally applies to lawyers:

Arguing with a lawyer is a lot like wrestling a pig in the mud... After about 2 hours you realize the pig likes it!

@kevin-eleven said
Come on, let's have them.

I'm especially interested in the ones that get a good guffaw from the lawyers themselves.

I was going to write: how many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

But I got hit with the libel act of 1843, stating sections 4 and 5 for defamation.

This isn’t a joke. But there is a Dutch saying: ask 4 lawyers for legal advice and you’ll get 5 opinions.

And during meetings I often say: “We’ll just open a can of lawyers (in Dutch I actually say juristen… I don’t know if lawyers are really the same thing, but if they’re digging around like pigs in a trough looking for case law, I’m pretty sure any difference is moot), for one can never have too many lawyers.”

It is obviously meant sarcastically.

Found this one online:

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. He is stopped by St Peter and told that heaven did not allow engineers and that he has to go to hell.

The engineer goes to hell and within months they have escalators fitted, bridges across the molten lava, Jacuzzis everywhere and everybody is very happy with him.

God gets to hear about this and phones Satan. “Hey Satan – I hear you have an engineer with you – he’s supposed to be up here with me.

Satan replies that it was St Peter who refused the engineer entry and that he was a great asset to hell and that he was going to keep him.

God gets a bit upset and tells Satan that he will sue him if he doesn’t send the engineer back to him.

Satan replies, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

This guy walked into a bar and shouted for all to hear, “Lawyers are bastards!”
A man in the back of the bar stood up and shouted back at him “I take exception to that statement and I resent it greatly!”

The first guy said “Are you a Lawyer?”
The man responded “No, I’m a bastard!”

A client walks into the office of a lawyer and asks: "How much for three questions?"
"500 $"
"isn't that a bit stepp?"
"Yes, and your third question?"

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
- There are skid marks in front of the dog.

As a keeper of the 3 best jokes ever told, I can tell you that one of them is about a lawyer.

Do you want to hear it?