Why am I disposed to this? Why can't I be the way I was years before, without a care in the world, when all that mattered was wondering whether tomorrow would be sunny so I could go out and play ball, or whether the rain would continue to pour. Forget responsibilites, that would be no problem to handle if I had principles to stand on... but I don't, not anymore. What's going on here? Why am I reverting to something awful.
The questioning never stops, the nights seem longer, I can never get to sleep anymore. My body tells me I'm maturing, but my mind is trying to play tricks on me. It seems to be doing the opposite. Where have my morals disappeared to? Why does nothing seem sacred anymore? Why can't I force myself to believe in an almighty God, who will shelter me into his kingdom when I die? I don't care if it's true or not, but why can't I at least tell my mind to accept it, so I can move on with my life, so I don't have to stop and look over my shoulder. Why can't I take ideas for granted, treat them as fact immediately as I used to. I'm sure I would be more at peace with myself if I had a belief system I could lean on throughout my life. So why can't I form one? Will this questioning ever stop? Is this "maturing"? It sure doesn't feel like it.
I used to be a model student. Straight A's. Now, I couldn't care less about the school structure. I look at it as an institution to "maniulate" instead of "mold". Make you care about trite, everyday things. None of them will matter when we die. Or will they? Maybe this path will just continue to socially engineer people without stop. Maybe not. We'll see. So why can't I make myself believe? Why does it feel like I used to be more mentally mature when I was in primary school as opposed to now? Am I turning unstable, psychotic, or is all of this "normal", preparing me for an adult life? Cause it sure feels like I'm going crazy.
For some reason, it seems that some people are inclined to spiritualism, while others, such as you and I, are not. I don't know if it's hereditary, something that emerges in early childhood, or whatever, but it's not something we consciously decide on. I've often wondered what it would be like to be a spiritual person, but in the end I can't really know, for the following reason: I can imagine believing X, Y or Z, but I can't imagine believing that the existence of some deity who's in charge of everything is the natural and obvious way of things, which seems to be the crux of religious belief. Likewise, were I to become a religious person, I would be unable to empathise with my former self - I would be perplexed that I could have gone through my life and not seen the 'obvious' presence of God!
It's not true, however, that no God => no morality. If religious people say this, it's because their whole concept of morality is wrapped around God, and thinking of a world without God is totally alien and nonsensical to them.
One non-religious approach to 'the meaning of life' is this: think of life as a novel, or a game. Various things happen in it, but once you reach the end, it all ceases to 'matter' in any higher sense. Nevertheless, while you're playing a game or reading a book, it does have meaning: it could be as trivial an endeavour as you like, but it has structure and beauty. Just as you don't need to bet money on a chess game to make it interesting, and you may want to read novels even if you're not going to be examined on them, life doesn't have to have anything riding on it - it's an experience in itself. In fact, if you do believe it has no deeper relevance, it means you can relax and enjoy it on its own merits: to quote the late Bill Hicks, 'it's just a ride'.
I don't really understand where my notions of morality come from, as they're mostly subconscious. But there does seem to be a powerful link between beauty and goodness, at least in my mind - if you lie, cheat and steal, and are prepared to do anything in the cause of some shallow gratification, the whole experience is ugly, banal and empty. If however you do everything the honest way, when you see your plans come to fruition you can be pleased with the way you got there and feel you've earned your rewards. It's the same reason people crank up the difficulty on games, or impose arbitrary restrictions on themselves - if you can do something in a 'good' way, success is all the sweeter.
As for your studies, the striving for grades and teachers' appreciation can seem crude and pointless. It often is. But if you instead try to understand as well as you can, and take pride in your knowledge, it's much more fulfilling. So what if your teacher has an idiotic mark scheme for question 5 - do you understand the matter in hand? Even if your teachers really are imbeciles trying to brainwash you (which is unlikely) don't worry about it - you've seen through their scheme, and in future you'll do much better than the parrots around you if you insist on thinking for yourself. Jump through the hoops if it gets you the grades, but as long as you remember they are just hoops, you'll never lose your independence. True imprisonment is when you can't see the bars.