how bout this?
Bill Wall's Daffynitions
ALEKHINE: type of battery for digital chess clock
ALGEBRAIC NOTATION: A way of recording games for those who can't
describe them.
ATTACK: a short, sharp-pointed nail.
BAD BISHOP: another Catholic caught in a sex scandal
BAROQUE CHESS SET: Unrepaired chess set.
BIRD'S OPENING: a small hole in the side of a coop.
BISHOP PAIR: strange bed fellows.
BISHOPS OF OPPOSITE COLORS: a very strange couple.
BOARD: What chess widows are at chess tournaments with their
husbands
BUST: bad opening when playing a well-endowed female
CENTER COUNTER: small table in the middle of a room.
CHECK: what chess players hate to hear at a tournament or restaurant
COLLE: opening for dog lovers
CORRESPONDENCE CHESS: the check really is in the mail
DANISH GAMBIT: opening for pastry lovers.
DISCOVERED CHECK: one that fell behind a desk long time ago.
FOOL'S MATE: A chessplayer's spouse.
FRENCH DEFENSE: a Maginot line.
FRIED LIVER ATTACK: a form of indigestion.
GRECO GAMBIT: opening for wrestlers,
ILLEGAL: a sick bird.
KNIGHT ENDING: dawn.
MAROCZY: A chess master who always got in a bind.
MAROCZY BIND: an unusual form of constipation.
MATE: spouse.
MINORITY ATTACK: a civil rights revolt.
SAM LOYD: An endgame composer always causing problems.
SELF-HELP MATE: a bigamist.
SIESTA VARIATION: taking a nap before noon.
STALEMATE: a spouse who keeps repeating the same old jokes.
WOODPUSHER: lobbyist for the timber industry.
FIANCHETTO: Pinnochio's last name.
RICE GAMBIT: Gary Hart's favorite opening.
ZUGZWANG: German for "constipated." The term is used when it
hurts to move.
Michael Wilder's Agony Column
This month Mike ignores, I mean responds, to the very special agony
of NY chess fixture and victim of the class struggle, Larry Tamarkin.
Dear Mike,
Part of the legacy of being the most active player in 1983 was
achieving a peak rating just over 2300 in 1984. This accomplishment
unfortunately put my floor above 2200. My strength might be closer to
high expert, but I'll never play in that category again. Dozens of times
I have been in the running for under 2400 money, only to lose to
(sometimes draw with) the 2300+ player I'm inevitably paired with,
leaving me flat broke. I complained to Bill Goichberg about my
problem:
Me: "Bill, I have no chance in these tournaments. I'm much weaker
than my rating, but this bloody rating floor designed to fight
sandbaggers leaves me a loser every time."
Bill: "But don't you enjoy being a Life Master and knowing you can't
lose your master rating."
Me: "But Bill, I'm going broke playing in these tournaments for the
under 2400 money and always losing out in the end."
Bill: "Want to enter my next tournament, the entry fee's only x?!x!!"
Me: "I don't want to play in any tournaments, especially yours! I have
over 700 chess books and I can't seem to improve. I'm so frustrated!
Damn chess!"
Bill: "Well, almost everyone knows that the way to improve is to play
in strong open tournaments! By the way, you can still get into my next
event at the advance rate."
After this conversation with the tireless promoter, I vowed not to enter
any more tournaments, but Steve Immitt gave me credit the next
week at the MCC and I promptly went into the hole there. Then Alan
Kantor kept asking me if I was playing in his NY State Championship.
I tried to explain that I couldn't afford it, but somehow Alan
persuaded me to play.
The following game was played in the last round of the
aforementioned tournament. As usual, I'm black against a higher
rated player and must win to get any money. My opponent is rather
short, but definitely looks stronger and tougher than me!
James Lewis (2338)-Larry Tamarkin (2206) New York State Ch. 1991,
Round Six
1.e4 Nf6
The Alburtine, I mean the Alekhine Defense, is my latest choice after
all those agonizing losses with the "dynamic" Caro-Kann! As I tried to
say in Chess Life, don't play the Alekhine, only Alburt can stand to
look at those positions.--JB
2.e5 Nd5 3.c4 Nb6 4.a4!?
What, this guy thinks I'm so stupid I'm just gonna leave the knight
hanging?
4...a5 5.Ra3!?
Now I started to regret not having read Joel's Unorthodox Openings
cover to cover! It doesn't matter, though: this isn't in it.
5...d6 6.exd6 cxd6 7.Rg3!?
[diagram]
Well at least I don't have to worry about him mating me at f7, I
reasoned.
7...g6 8.h4 h6
8...Bg7 and 8...h5 enticing white to put a knight on g5 are
alternatives. Fed once recommended the text move to me in another
opening to meet h4-h5 with g6-g5. Not moving the h-pawn at all
might be best.
9.d4 Bf5 10.Nc3 Na6
I really wanted to play...Nb4 counterattacking, even though there was
no rook on a1. It's prob- ably better to play 10...Nc6, but I was a little
afraid of c4-c5. Shows you how clearly I was thinking.
11.Nh3
Where is this guy going?
11...Rc8
Why not the intended 11...Nb4? I can't exactly remember what I was
afraid of-- was it 12.c5 Nc2+ 13.Ke2 dxc5 14.dxc5 Qxd1+ 15.Kxd1 Nd7
16.Nd5 Rc8 17.Bb5 Rxc5 18.Nb6 Rxb5!-- so that doesn't work. What
was it? There are other tries for white, but on reflection black usually
comes out better. Maybe this was my big chance. I think it was mostly
my frame of mind-- I could not envision any position clearly, so I kept
choosing lemons.
12.Qf3!
Now he has definite attacking chances. Of course I didn't even see this
move! Funny thing is he almost played 12.b3?
12...Rc7
At least I saw that 12...Nxc4 13.Qxb7 Nb4 14.Bxc4 Rxc4 15.Qb5+ wins
for white. I suspect that white's just better now
13.Be2 Qc8 14.O-O Bg7 15.h5! Bf6
On 15...g5 I feared 16.Nb5.
16.hxg6 fxg6 17.c5
All the stuff I was worrying about is happening. As Richard Lewis would
say, "I'm doomed."
17...dxc5 18.Bb5+ Kf7 19.Bf4 cxd4 20.Bxc7 Nxc7 21.Ne4 Bh4?
Despite all the stupid moves I made, I had been playing pretty
resourcefully, in between visits to the bathroom. I always seem to
spend a lot of time there, especially during important games! And now
I could make a real fight of it if I just play 21...Nxb5 22.axb5 Rd8 with
chances. But I forgot Tamarkin's rule about returning from the
bathroom; sit down, take a stress pill and think things over! Though in
this game I could barely think at all!
[diagram]
22.Rg4!
So simple, and it made me feel so stupid! Like Geller I was going to
take the rook if it moved to g4! Now my position becomes a hopeless
mass of melted plastic.
22...Bf6 23.Nxf6 exf6 24.Rxd4 Nxb5
Everything else loses, too. I'm just playing on out of pathetic inertia,
or so the vulture-like spectators can have a good smile.
25.Qb3+ Qe6 26.Qxb5 Bxh3 27.gxh3 Rc8 28.Rfd1 Rc6 29.Qd3 Nc8
30.Re4 Qd6 31.Qb3+ 1-0
Out of my misery at last.
After the game,other players told me how easy it could have been for
me to take advantage of my opponent's odd play, Of course, that's
part of the agony of being a lowly rated chessmaster; no matter how
hard I study and try to improve, nothing seems to come of it. I still
fail to win the crucial money game in most of the tournaments I play
in. Whether it is due to a lack of ability or stamina, or just plain
stupidity is irrelevant. It still hurts just as bad!
I returned to the book room to continue my whining to Fred Wilson--
part of my price for helping with the bookselling (not to mention the
Chess Chows-ed). Fred suggested that this guy really wasn't half bad.
The bizarre opening might even be part of his pre-game preparation!
At least there was still a bagel left over from the [NYSCA] voters
meeting. I returned to the tournament room to see how the Fed was
doing, among others. Many people had a good laugh about the game
and Joel suggested I submit it to your agony column. When I saw him
recently at the Manhattan CC, I told him I was still trying to sort out
some variations. He assured me that whining was enough! Yes, there
is plenty of whining here. Still, I appreciate whatever advice you wish
to give me, Mike.
Thank you,
Larry
Michael Wilder "Responds"
Dear Larry,
You must feel like a big pair of buttocks. You truly know how it is:
These days, it's hard to make good money, even by cheating. As for
the problem with facing a ridiculous plan in the opening, what has
always worked for me in that situation is to stop and collect myself. I
spend a good amount of time to come up with a precise sequence
that will preserve a solid advantage, and then I fall apart and lose
horribly.
Your game reminds me of a certain game I lost once that cost me a
lot of money. It was an absolutely fantastic struggle, involving
multiple underpromotions and a problem-like endgame culminating in
a chimney mate. Not that my loss and your game are particularly
similar (though I couldn't tell you for sure, because I haven't actually
looked at your game). In any event, I'm not going to show you that
game.
Instead, witness this ordinary and all-around tedious affair with (British
junior) Matthew Sadler. What will be unique is the revolutionary new
annotating technique I will be introducing. Have you ever read
Kotov's "Think Like a Grandmaster"? If you haven't, don't lose any
sleep over it -- it's a load of rabbit-poody anyway. (He tries to
describe the way the thought processes of a grandmaster are
supposed to work. My reaction was, "Wake me up if there's any
nudity."😉
What I will be doing today will go Kotov one further: Thanks to the
miracle of Chess Chow Technology, we will be bringing
you "Grandmaster-Vision." This amazing device will enable you to
follow what I was actually thinking during the game -- uncut,
uncensored, and real. Through a verbatim transcription of my
thoughts, you will be privy to the stream of consciousness in the mind
of a grandmaster. You will see how a grandmaster really selects
candidate moves and weighs options, and the disorganized process by
which he finally decides which course to take. Grandmaster-Vision will
be signified by quotations.
Sadler - Wilder WFW London, 1989
1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Bb4 4. e3 O-O 5. Bd3 d5 6. a3
"I'd like to try the Brazilian manoeuvre, but maybe he could counter
that with the Portuguese notion. I'm going to block that strategy."
6...Bxc3
"Cha-ching!"
7. bxc3
"Oops! Next time I'll think twice before assuming that my opponent
hung a piece."
7...dxc4 8. Bxc4
"Things aren't going that well. Don't panic. Remember when I
panicked because I thought I had a tiny lump on my left testicle? And
when I went to the doctor he told me that the tiny lump was my left
testicle? Well, the principle is the same -- there is no need to panic
here, no siree. Just have to figure out how to channel my nervousness
into something constructive. I know..."
(I got up and went outside and changed my socks. The reader should
not get the misimpression that grandmasters carry an extra pair of
socks with them -- I simply took the socks I was wearing and switched
them on my feet. Back at the board...)
"Yeehaw! My feeties feel nice. Maybe I'll try to discombobulate him
with a side-winder."
8...c5 9. Ne2 Qc7 10. Bd3 Nc6 11. O-O
"As my opponent is a 15-year-old prodigy/promising
talent/whippersnapper/goat, there's no need to do anything silly here.
Just be cool. Don't panic. Don't panic. FOR GOD SAKES DON'T PANIC. I
AM CRAZY!!! Get a grip."
11...Rd8 12. Bb2 e5
"I have a pretty good Nimzo here. If 13. Qc2 Be6 looks good for me.
What is this young lad, make that punk, trying to pull here anyway. I
HATE YOU, YOU PUNK!!! GOD HELP ME. Perhaps he's just unfamiliar
with the PSYCHO/KILL/HATRED #*$**# AAARRRGHHHH opening. Don't
panic."
13. Ng3?
After this clunker, black is better. But notice the mature reaction in the
mind of an experienced grandmaster upon facing a move that clearly
concedes the opening battle:
"Hommenahommenahommena Weeeeeoh -- How A&P prices have
changed! I don't hate you anymore, Mr. Sadler. I really don't. YOU
PUNK!!! Sorry. I really don't. Nice junior. Good junior. I feel bad for
you. The fact that you obviously have no clue about this position
makes you seem more likeable, more vulnerable, more human. Who
knows -- if you play your cards right, I may even change my mind and
forget all about my intention to give you a big ol' wedgie after the
game."
13...exd4 14. cxd4 cxd4 15. Qc2
"What matter of Broncept is this? The little cherub is threatening 16.
Bxd4, and if 15...dxe3 16. fxe3 with a lack of clarity. This is a critical
position, so I should stop and think carefully. On the other hand,
there's a lot to be said for being true to my principles, and making a
random move instantly. Therefore..."
15...Qd6?
Black was probably better after 15...Qe5, as 16. Rd1 could be met by
16...Bg4. Now white can equalize.
16. Rad1
"I guess the youthful bastard is kind of tricky. I should cut him some
respect. When I was his age, about the only talent I had was making
noises with my armpits. I'll just continue moving instantly, and while
he's thinking, I'll smile a lot and wave to the spectators."
16...Bg4 17. f3 Be6 18. exd4?
White could have achieved a drawish middlegame with 18. Ne4. The
text allows black a slight advantage should he choose the obvious
18...Qf4. Instead....
18...h6???
In retrospect, this may have been the biggest embutterment of my
career. From a totally ordinary, solid and slightly superior opening,
black obtains an immediately resignable position with one innocuous-
looking move.
19. d5!
Winning. Even now, when I contemplate some of the variations, I get
a sick feeling:
19...Bxd5 20. Nf5 and now:
a) 20...Qf4 21. g3 Qg5 (21...Qc7 22. Bxf6 gxf6 23. Qc1, mating) 22.
h4 Qh5 23. Bxf6 gxf6 24. g4 trapping the queen (24...Qg6 25. Ne7+)
b) 20...Qf8 21. Nxh6+ gxf6 (21...Kh8 22. Qf2 and black will not
survive) 22. Bxf6 hitting the rook on d8 and also threatening 23. Bh7
mate! Other tries also lose, and black can't even give up his queen
with 19...Qxd5 because 20. Bxf6 gxf6 21. Bh7+ wins it for just a rook.
We are having some technical troubles with Grandmaster-Vision, so in
its place we bring you the all-new 1992 version of "Yasser-Vision".
Here it goes: "I'm completely winning. Uh-oh, a 'howler'. Yasser loses
again. Enjoy."
19...Nxd5 20. Bh7
We feel very privileged to be able to resume our broadcast of
Grandmaster-Vision:
"I seem to be losing now, because 20...Kh8 gets blasted by 21. Nh5
f6 22. Nxg7 with a crushing attack. Damn! Nuts! Double-Nuts!
Excrement! Cats Catarrh! It is clear that I should resign. But
experience has taught me that in such situations, if your behavior at
the board is sufficiently bizarre and distracting, then there are
always ... possibilities. Besides, I already resigned one game on move
16 earlier in this tournament, and it is better to be known on the
circuit as "the guy who is always hovering behind his opponent and
doing something weird" than as the guy who "loses all his games in
under 20 moves."
20...Kf8 21. Nh5
I really didn't know what I was going to do. Suddenly, it hit
me: "Eureka!" Unfortunately, shouting "Eureka" did not accomplish
much, as my opponent was away from the board (though at least I
was successful in annoying several former opponents who were playing
in the same room).
21...Ne5
21...f6 22. Nxg7
22. f4
At this point, I went for the old standby -- I snuck up behind him, put
my hands over his eyes and said "Guess who?" He shot back with the
witty retort, "You are creepy. Please go away."
22...Ng4 23. Bxg7+ Ke7 24. Bd4 Rac8 25. Qb2
I suddenly had an inspiration and attempted to claim a win on time!
(though I knew that in fact my opponent had over 50 minutes
remaining on his clock). The TD ruled against me, but during the
furious melee that ensued, I managed to secretly change my socks
again.
25...Qc7
I knew that my opponent was suspicious of me, but I was so bitter
that I didn't care, so while he was away from the board I removed his
knight on h5. When he returned, I slammed down my move and
offered a draw. He quickly caught on to what was happening, and
said "Give me my horsie back." I sheepishly produced it from my
pocket, and claimed that the whole thing was a "misunderstanding."
26. Rfe1 Rd6 27. h3 Nc3 28. hxg4 Nxd1 29. Rxd1 Bg4 30. Bf6 Ke8 31.
Qe5 1-0
I was drawing a blank trying to come up with an appropriately nasty
remark, but then recalled a quip that a Chow staffer had ad-libbed at
a collegiate insult contest. So I grinned at my opponent, pumped his
hand warmly, and said "You look like a pine-cone."
So if there is a moral to the story, it is this: Chess will always embitter
you; the important thing is to keep everything in perspective, and to
be unpleasant to other people whenever possible.
THE END
here is another response from Michael to a guy (named Dave...and no
not me) about a love problem...and a game with Bent Larsen.
Dear Dave,
And thank you for your support. Incidentally, I spent some time with
your Swarthmore schoolmate, IM Steve Odendahl, at the World Open
(What a cretin!). [Ed.: Mike means that in a good way]
I have often been consulted for romantic advice, as it is generally
understood that Grandmaster skills are freely translatable into the
language of l'amour. Your encounter with the ever-serious Pia reminds
me of a similar interlude involving yours truly and a different young
female chessplayer, whom I shall call Ralph. Smitten as I was with
Ralph, I overcame my initial nervousness and gradually made my
feelings known to her over a casual lunch. {And rather poetically, too:
I believe I said something to the effect of, how about a quickie before
the waitress brings our lo mein?"} I was quickly put off when she
replied by shaking my hand and saying "Yes of course, I accept. But I
was slightly better on move 18."
Effective tournament strategy is often applicable to the romantic
sphere. For instance, a discretely playful kiss will always pleasantly
surprise, not just in over-the-board play but in personal situations as
well. And the idea of fondling a woman's ears while softly
exclaiming, "widdly-diddly-widdly-diddly" first occurred to me after I
successfully executed this tactic in the last round of the Asian Zonal.
A couple of basic pointers should suffice to help our dear readers think
like a Grandmaster on a date: 1) You know that old bit about wining
and dining-- alcohol works better on an empty stomach, and besides,
you save money. 2) If you can manage it, stiff your date for the
drinks. Careful though, because if it's done too crudely you will not
only be forced to pay your share, but may end up alienating your date
as well. 3) Finally, just as in chess, you must always have an opening
prepared. But a special warning to you, Dave-- do not try my personal
favorite around doctors or nurses, as it has led to some very bad
experiences with them. {For the record, the line is "Pardon me, but is
this stool taken?"}
Having said all that, here is my game with Bent Larsen (Watson Farley
Williams, London, 1989). Though I did lose horribly in 16 moves, I
maintain to this day that I played a great game. Indeed the opening I
chose is of theoretical significance. {That is, it is of no actual
significance; theoretically, it could have been significant, had I chosen
a better opening.}
To counter the inevitable trepidation one feels when facing the
venerable "Great Dane," I seized the psychological initiative by calling
him "Kent" instead of Bent when I sat down to play (though "Bent" is
silly enough). In the past, I had employed the disrepect-through
mistaken-pronunciation motif with mixed results (e.g., while IM Jay
Whitehead was thrown off when I called him "Butthead," Korchnoi
seemed unconcerned when addressed as "Mr. Karpov"😉.
Privately I was overconfident, and even told my friend Hodgson that "I
can beat this guy blindfolded." Hodgson pointed out that Larsen
probably would not be playing blindfolded. I thought it over and
said "OK, but maybe I can still beat him."
Bent Larsen-Michael Wilder
London (Watson Farley Williams), 1989 Slav
1.Nf3 Nf6 2.c4 e6
Already I could feel some tingle in my "special spots."
3.Nc3
I had a number of problems with my openings in this tournament, and
looking back on it, it is clear where I went wrong in my preparation
(which I later dubbed "Preparation H"😉. Before the tournament,
Malcolm Pein told me that his ChessBase computer program would
do "half your work for you," I said "Fine, I'll take two of them." But in
the end, I spent the money instead on a couple of books by Eric
Schiller and some new underwear.
Unfortunately, Schiller had overlooked 3.Nc3 in his otherwise
comprehensive analysis of the position, so I had to wing it.
3... d5 4.d4 c6
Edit: This is the only time I can recall Mike essaying the Slav Defense.
5.e3 Nbd7 6.Bd3 dxc4 7.Bxc4 b5 8.Bb3
Larsen crossed up my plans with this innocuous movd I thought to
myself, "Turds, foiled again" (No, I was not envisioning turds wrapped
in foil-- it's just an expression). I started to panic upon remembering
that Larsen had once won a brilliant game against Tal in the same
line. I regained my composure after recollecting another encounter
with Larsen, over a dinner table at Lone Pine many years ago.
This is a true story: An impressionable youngster who was thrilled at
the chance to hobnob with a then world-famous Grandmaster, I was
astonished when Larsen, an apparently erudite and cultured man who
speaks many languages, devoured a large piece of cheesecake in
under five seconds. When his dessert arrived, he went into a frenzy,
lowering his mouth to plate-level and then methodically shoveling the
cheesecake into his face, never looking up, all the while making
Homer Simpson-like grunting and belching noises. Everyone at the
table just stared at him, and when his head emerged and the
cheesecake was gone, we all noticed that he had crumbs on his chin
and little bits of cheesy smear around his mouth. Though I took great
comfort from this memory, I still did not know what to do.
[diagram]
8...Bb7?
8...b4 was correct.
9.O-O a6?
9...b4 should still have been tried.
10.e4 c5?
Black can only hope to minimize his disadvantage with 10...b4 11.e5
bxc3 12.exf6 Nxf6.
11.e5 cxd4 12.Qxd4
With this recapture Larsen was saying to me, in effect, "you'll eat my
shorts and like it." I had not yet made my 12th move and already it
was time for a little "stragedy." [Ed. note: In this case, Mike is not
referring to pinball]
My first idea was to try to gross out my opponent, perhaps by showing
him Odendahl; unfortunately, Steve was back in the U.S. Then I
thought of Yasser Seirawan's "Flash Tactics," and briefly considered
exposing myself to the Great Dane. But no. Too tasteless even for me
(admittedly, it was a close call). Finally, in a conciliatory mood, I
reached across the board, mussed his hair with both hands and
said, "Ah Kent, ya big knucklehead."
Although Mr. Larsen has been portrayed in a negative light so far, I
must confess that he impressed me at this stage with his class and
professionalism. He simply ignored me completely, remaining
unperturbed and totally focused on the game. At one point he even
smiled a bit, as he slowly, imperceptibly maneuvered his king bishop
to a post where it could then be thrust directly into my left eyeball.
The result was one detached retina and a number of chuckling
spectators!
12...Bc5 13.Qf4 b4 14.exf6 bxc3 15.fxg7
Note to readers: "Grandmaster-vision" is temporarily down, but as a
special service to Chess Chowheads, "Larry Christiansen-vision" (by
which Larry's actual thoughts as the game occurred have been
transcribed verbatim) is available for this move only: "Let's see. Black
will probably move his rook so that it won't be captured, after which
there should be a long series of captures and attacking moves leading
to mate, or at least...say, what's that smell? And why do I feel so
warm and special all of the sudden? Why, I think...yes it has to be... I
must have accidentally dropped an entire smoldering ashtray down the
front of my trousers around move nine."
15...Rg8 16.Ba4 Rxg7
[diagram]
Gegenspiel?
Just when everything seemed hopeless, when it looked like the fiery
walls of my position would consume my very soul, I noticed that black
was developing some real counterplay along the g-file. I could see my
pompous opponent thinking for the first time, as it slowly dawned on
him that defending his kingside would permit certain counterchances
in other areas of the board. Call it a sixth sense, but I could feel the
tide was turning!
Suddenly, ...Black resigns.
1-0
Oh well.
Ed. Note: Perhaps a little bit of explanation is in order. After his initial
euphoria, Mike realized that almost any continuation ( 17.Rd1 Bd5
18.bxc3 for example) leaves him hopelessly mangled. Even Mike can
take only so much agony, and besides, he must have been quite
anxious to try on his new underwear.
While I'm butting in, let me tell a Pia story that Dave might
appreciate. It took place at the 1979 World Cadet Championship in
Belfort, France (readers may recall the Ehlvest story from CC). The
Irish representative Tommy Milligan was involved in a protracted game
with lovely little Pia. Suddenly Tom walked out of the playing room
with a mile-wide smile on his face. "Did you win Tommy" we all
asked. "No, I lost" he replied, still smiling. Naturally, we asked why he
was so happy. "I got to play footsie under the table with her"
answered the still entranced young Irishman. [Mike doesn't know this
story because it was only the next year that I was foolish enough to
take him as my second] [r.g.c.: end of Ed. Note]
After the game, the so-called Great Dane refused to analyze with me,
despite the fact that I kept pulling on his tie and that I claimed to
have missed "several wins." If there's one thing I will not abide, it's
poor sportsmanship.
--GM Mike
THE END
Here is the reply to Joel Benjamin concerning a loss to the great Lev
Alburt...whom I have never met but actually had a few phone
conversations with. This one is my fave out of the bunch.
Michael Wilder "Responds"
Dear Joel- Before sharing a very intimate and deeply embittering
experience I had with Uncle A, I must, with regrets, announce to our
readers that, due to the unprecedented response to my last column,
personal replies are no longer possible, so please -- no more letters
addressed to M. Wilder: Doctor Feelgood (of course, pictures are still
welcome).
I don't know about you, but for me the release of "Searching for
Bobby Fischer" has been a nightmare, as friends and coworkers are
constantly badgering me for information about the accuracy of the
movie. I am typically asked questions such as: 1) "Is that what chess
tournaments are like, or what?"; 2) "Can it really be true that the
elegant and dandified former U.S. Champion appearing in the movie
is still single?" (apparently referring to Roman Dzindzihashvili
although he is, of course, married); 3) "Can it really be true that Asa
Hoffman is still single?" (stupid coworkers! He's not either!); and 4) "I
thought I recognized Yasser Seirawan as one of the extras in the
park."
Also, I was embittered by the ending, because I lost a bundle of
money betting on the other kid (I completely overlooked that skewer
motif that Josh used to win the guy's queen).
[Rumor has it that in the original script the other kid accepts Josh's
draw offer, but in a suspenseful and tearjerking final scene, Josh wins
the tournament on tie-breaks after a protracted dispute. Evidently,
this ending was scrapped when it didn't play well with test audiences.]
The movie did, I concede, raise important issues about parenting and
the junior chess circuit, and brings to mind the following parable: Two
junior chessplayers are standing around somewhere, and junior # 1
says "I'm better than you." Junior # 2 replies "Not so. I am the better
player." A third person comes along and says "Shut up! You're both
idiotic!!" (fwapping sound of junior chessplayers being beaten about
the face and head with a rolled-up vinyl chessboard; then silence;
then barely audible sobs from juniors).
What have we learned from this? Well, substitute "Steve Odendahl"
for "junior # 1" and "Mark Ginsburg" for "junior # 2" and replace the
word "parable" with "incident at this year's World Open," and it
becomes clear that life imitates art (though I understand that all such
episodes of violence and/or nudity were edited out of the final version
of "Searching for..."😉
Anyway, my game with Lev. Did you ever stay up all night analyzing a
fantastic opening innovation only to discover, in the morning light,
that you had given black an extra tempo on move four? Well, me
neither (but this did happen to IM Charles Hertan). However, in my
preparations the night before the following game, I spent hours
analyzing an aggressive sacrificial line leading to forced checkmate for
black in all variations of any opening my opponent might try. When I
woke up I suspected something was wrong, and sure enough, after
setting up the position again, I realized that White could, in certain
critical lines, thwart the Scholar's mate.
Now only minutes before the start of the round, I frantically attempted
to extrapolate from my prior encounters with Alburt a sensible
alternate plan. I knew, for instance, that Alburt was likely to play d4, if
not on the first move, then certainly at some point during the game. I
also remembered that Lev is impervious to distractions, and is
unlikely to be put off by the flicking or flinging of food or other
objects. An especially difficult opponent for me!
The result of these ruminations was 10...g5. Naturally, I also came
prepared with my usual array of tactics, and when I sat down to play, I
began by crushing a beer can against my forehead. (Ironically, when I
was rushed to the emergency room immediately after the game
medical tests revealed that the beer can was intact but that I had in
fact crushed my forehead!)
1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 g6 3. Nc3 Bg7 4. e4 d6 5.Be2
With this move Alburt says to me, I "propose" to enter a Bg5 King's
Indian. I was not intimidated, and demonstrated with my sly reply a
willingness to entertain a certain "counterproposal"....(Mike's been
reading too many Geller books?)
5...0-0
Actually, my counterproposal came in the form of a friendly tap on the
shin and a ten-spot that I slipped into his palm. Lev graciously
pocketed the cash, and my spirits lifted. It soon occurred to me that I
hadn't asked for anything in return, and that it would now be too
embarrassing to ask for the money back. Oh well.
6. Bg5 c5 7 d5 h6 8 Bh4 b5 9 cxb5 a6 10 a4 g5? TN. 11. Be3 Qa5? 12
Bd2 Qb4??
To those readers who are marveling at, or at least wondering about,
Black's decision to plunge his queen into a thicket of White pieces
from which it will obviously not escape (after having first lashed out
blindly on the other side of the board with the meaningless and
gratuitously weakening 10...g5), I can only say that inspiration is 99%
perspiration (and indeed, at this point I was perspiring so badly that
hotel security was alerted).
13 f3 Nh5 14 Qc2
Recognizing that my queen was about to be trapped, my heart
skipped a beat. Then it added a beat. Then it started to accent off-
beats to create a syncopation effect. Then I had problems with my
tummy.
I thought about the scene in the movie "Alien" where this nice
astronaut is having a pleasant dinner when all of the sudden his
stomach starts to throb violently, and then a monster bursts out of it,
ripping him open and killing him. (In fact, the exact same thing
happened to me shortly after the last time I ate sushi).
14...axb5 15 Nd1
Parting with the lady, part deux. Sigh.
Few are aware of this, but in grandmaster practice it is common, even
expected, that you will converse extensively with your opponent during
a game. I would recommend to our amateur readers that you try,
whenever facing a GM over the board, to start talking to your
opponent after the first few moves, and try to say something after
every move. The goal is to build "good will" (ie receptivity to bribes).
Do not be discouraged if your GM opponent does not respond, or if
he/she complains to the tournament director.
It was around here that I made the first conversational overture of the
game. I said "Lev, I don't think the game is going well and I'm
feeling a little vulnerable. How about a hug?"
(No response from Lev). "Lev, what are you, made of stone or
something. (my tone becomes increasingly hysterical) I finally work up
the courage to express my feelings, and you just toy with them."
(Still no response from Lev).
15...Rxa4
"Say Lev. I have been told that my upper body is so freakishly
muscular as to be unsettling. What's your view on this?"
(No response from Lev. Cannot get a rise out of this guy. But
amazingly, my position is starting to improve.)
16 Bxb4
But not by much.
16...Rxa1 17 Bc3 Na6. 18 Bxb5 Nb4 19 Bxb4 cxb4 20. Ne2 f5 21. 0-0
fxe4 22 Qxe4 g4 23 f4.
It may appear as if black's game is deteriorating, but there are still
surprises in store for White!
"Say, Lev...If you could be a farm animal, which one would you be?"
(Lev bludgeons me with a cold stare).
"I offer a draw" (winking, and giving him the thumbs up).
(Lev bludgeons me with a blunt instrument).
(losing my cool) "You rapscallion. You scallywag."
(No response from Lev).
"I realize that I may be in some jeopardy, and that I suffer a material
deficit, but I have compensations, yes?"
(Lev finally speaks). "It's your move."
"OK -- I'll admit that I'm worse if you admit that I was better earlier,
and that the correct result is therefore a half-point, reflecting the ebb
and flow of the game."
(No response from Lev. Furious series of offered bribes and threats
from me. All ignored.)
"I don't have to resign you know. I could drag this out for days.
Perhaps go several adjournments."
"I resign. But the thing is..." (Lev gets up and leaves).
1-0
Though generally known on the circuit as a good loser (and as a
frequent loser), I confess that after this game I was too emotionally
drained to derive much pleasure from my usual post-loss ritual (which
consists of posting the result as a win for me on the wallchart and then
going on a rampage of mayhem and evil). With time and maturity has
come perspective, and now I'm able to look back on this game and
smile and think warm thoughts about Lev. I bet that someday I'll
even stop stalking him.
So take heart, Joel (you goat); your agony will fade. And try to heed
the advice of Steven Wright, who said: "Once I bought batteries, but
they weren't included."
************* T H E E N D **********************
since it was so long as a whole it didn't work the first time...and then I
forgot to add what it was about.
Sparkov gave some pretty good humor and I thought I would share
some of the wonderful lines from GM Michael Wilder from the
magazine Chess Chow which didn't last long but was edited by GM Joel
Benjamin.
There are two more articles if anyone wants to read them.
Dave