This is from Bill Wall's chess page...he wrote it...and the first time I
read this to my wife she actually went around mumbling I have no clue
why I love you...hehehehe.
The wife of an addicted chessplayer is a lonely creature who must put
up with her husband's obsession with chess. The chessplayer's widow
sees her husband as a vague person who is more interested in a
checkmate than his own mate. He is studying his board; she is bored
of his studying. He is thinking of knight moves; she is thinking of the
night life; he is looking for mate in one; she is looking for one to
mate.
The wife occasionally entertains at home by cooking an elaborate
meal for a few of her husband's chess buddies. Chessplayers have
only other chessplayers as friends, of course. The biggest mistake she
can make is to use a checkered tablecloth. When everyone sits down
to enjoy a sumptuous meal that took the wife hours to prepare over a
hot stove, she will find all her salt and pepper shakers, toothpick
holders, sugar bowl (and cubes), cups and glasses, and miscellaneous
foods from various plates make an excellent substitute for chess
pieces on a chess board patterned from the tablecloth.
Now the strong chessplayer is gifted with an incredible memory. A
game is analyzed in detail and played over and over; past chess
games and brilliant moves and variations are never forgotten. The
latest theory of the Scheveningen variation of the Sicilian Defense has
been memorized to the smallest detail. Yet, when there are a few
chores to do around the house or a few things to pick up at the store,
the chessplayer has forgotten all of this and passes it off as "poor
memory." However, he can remember that brilliant chess game he
won five years ago to a fellow chessplayer in the third round of some
minor Swiss tournament.
The wife can tell when her husband has lost a tournament game or
done poorly at the local chess club. He comes home a loser with no
trophy or $2.72 that ten other players received for tying for third place.
His chin is so low he practically trips over the door step. The door
slams as he mumbles to himself, "I lost to the weakest guy in the
tournament. And he was only 10 years old. I should have won that
game. I won a piece by move eight. I had the better position all
through the game. How did I leave my Queen hanging? He was lucky
that time. I was distracted by his burping. Wait until I get him in the
next game." The mumbles continue all night. His only interest is how
he lost a won game. The magnetic chess set is his constant
companion - in the bathroom, at dinner, in bed.
The chessplayer's widow probably suffers more if her husband has
won. He brings home a small trophy and already spent his prize
money by taking all his chess friends to a pizza house. The wife must
listen with interest as he gives her a move-by-move description in
detail, with added explanations of how brilliant each move was,
including all variations. The wife must follow her chess-playing
husband from room to room, so as not to escape a single move of a
particular game, or else suffer the consequences of him setting up the
pieces all over again and starting over from move one.
The average husband disappears into the bathroom with newspaper or
magazine. Not the chess-playing husband. He disappears with a
portable magnetic chess set and latest chess magazine and spends
up to an hour analyzing chess games and variations. He later
emerges but later discovers one thing missing. The last pawn in the
second row for White is gone. Before he realizes it, the wife has
flushed the toilet. To his horror, he suddenly remembers where his
pawn was.
The chessplayer tries to teach his wife how to play chess. But he
already knows it is hopeless. She forgets how the Knight moves; she
can't understand the en passant rule; she wants to castle in check;
she trades her Rooks off for Bishops because she doesn't like the
design of the Bishop; and she takes all her moves back when he
wants to exchange a piece.
The worst thing a wife can do is learn how to play the game herself.
First, she will want to accompany her husband to chess tournaments.
Then she will play the chess computer. Soon she will prove to be too
much competition and may beat her husband in an off-hand game.
That does it. It is time to give up chess, sell or give away his chess
books, and take up golf.
****
Boy we are bad aren't we?
Dave
It really is surprising she married me due to some of these bad traits
we as chess players have. We won't get into some of the good traits
due to the fact of our wonderful younger audience..hehehe.
But yes..I will grab her all the time and make her look at a game or
read something that is on here...but the thing that does make me
love her so much is that she is actually interested in alot of it. She
loves to read a witty retort from you or Howard (my drinking buddy
from England) or see what is going on is going on the forums.
She does hate that bathroom time though...I guess it applies to all
married couples..chessplayer in the house or not. Men need that time
in the bathroom...sort of like women need to have matching
handbags and shoes. Not trying to get a Man vs Woman debate going
here...we all have to get along somehow...Beck has her art and stuff
and I have chess so somehow in the crazy word of relationship it all
works out.
As long as I remember who is the boss...and trust me folks...it ain't
me.
Dave
My game with Zum is kinda sucking on my part...he is good.
All of this talk about wives and chess reminds me of a horrible
story...I am out at a coffee shop...which incidently I hate coffee but it
is hard to get a good game in a bar...so of course I kept beer out in
the car...but anyway..I am in a harsh endgame when my exwife calls
me from home...she has discovered that I was right about not
screwing around with a pile of leaves about the house we had just
moved into. She was attacked by about 100 yellow jackets. Got stung
like 30 times....by the time I got home and killed what was left of
them with a can of Raid Ant killer (hey it worked...and those little
devils were hard to chase around the house) she was majorly swollen
up and completely mad at me for playing chess at a time where she
could be attacked.
Of course after we get back from the hospital...she hates chess...I will
never understand women...but I try hard.
Dave
Congratulations, this means you can follow beating others strong
players, I have not seen your games, but maybe what you need is
concentration and try to get a little deeper in your games. We all
sometimes dedicate more time to one game than another, depending
on the opponent or the situation on the board. Try to get deeper in all
your games....
And here is another little something from Bill Wall.
You know you are a chess addict if:
you bump into someone and say J'adoube.
you set up a chess set with salt and pepper shakers and food items
when you sit at a checkered tablecloth.
you calculate 8x8 faster than 7x7
you have more chess clocks than watches
you buy the biggest, fastest, most expensive computer just to play
chess on it or use it as a database
mate, mating positions, exposed bishops, and forking the queen
have nothing to do with sex
you take a chess set and book to the bathroom, and forget to go to
the bathroom
you meet someone, your first question is, "What's your rating?"
you downloaded every game of the University of Pittsburgh ftp site
and The Week in Chess, in ChessBase, PGN, and Chess Assistant
format
you buy a newspaper only if it has a chess column in it
you still think Bobby Fischer is a hero who will come back the the U.S.
and take on the rest of the world again.
you have more chess books than any other book or magazine
combined
you know the next Olympics is not in Australia or Salt Lake City
you spot the chessboard set up wrong in every movie with a chess
scene
you who know exactly what James Bond movie the above scene was
taken from
you name any of your pets Fischer, Tal, Karpov, Kasparov, or Alekhine
your favorite movie is "Searching for Bobby Fischer"
you have checkered underwear with "It's your move" on the front
you have fantasies of mating one of the Polgar sisters (that's
checkmating)
your favorite snack is Pepperidge Farm's Chessmen cookies
you have the 1999 International Chess Calendar hanging up in front
of you
you have the "Chessplayers make better mates" bumper sticker
you know what BCO, ECO, MCO, NCO all mean and have all these
books
you ask girl if she plays chess before you ask her out for a date
you end your letters and email with "P.S. 1.P-K4" hoping to start a
game
you drop everything and quickly spin around if you hear someone
say, "Hi, Bobby" at a chess tournament
you have read all of this.
but I guess that one hit a little close to home huh?
The male at a whole is pretty bad...but then get him involved in sports
or hunting or fishing and he gets worse...but get him involved in chess
and it is all over...still in a state of shock the my wife married me
knowing my obsession with chess.
But to paraphrase the great Mae West.."A single man is
incomplete...when he gets married he is finished"
Dave