DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*
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>Rule One:
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>If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
>package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
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>Rule Two:
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>You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
>long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
>your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
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>Rule Three:
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>I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
>wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
>hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
>friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
>about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door
>with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will
>not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in
>fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will
>take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to
>your waist.
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>Rule Four:
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>I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, s@x without utilizing a
>Barrier of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
>comes to s@x, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
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>Rule Five:
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>It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
>we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
>Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
>indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
>house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early
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>Rule Six:
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>I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
>date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
>daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
>will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If
>you make her cry, I will make you cry.
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>Rule Seven:
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>As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
>more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
>time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
>her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
>Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
>useful, like changing the oil in my car?
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>Rule Eight:
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>The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
>Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
>stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
>holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
>warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
>T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
>parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or
>sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are
>okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
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>Rule Nine:
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>Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
>dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
>all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are
>going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
>truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
>acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
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>Rule Ten:
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>Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
>sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
>paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in
>my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring
>my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit
>the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
>announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
>and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come
>inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. 😉😛
Originally posted by huntingbearDo you think you need an intimidating face when you're holding a shotgun? 😉
I like this one! My first daughter is now two and half weeks old. I'm already practicing a good, intimidating face for when I sit on my porch with a shotgun, waiting for the boys to come 'round to see her!