Here's where you get to fantasise about newspaper articles you would like to see. they can be about yourself, or something else. here's mine:
DFM65 WINS MORE NOBELS!
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Dfm65 today was announced as the recipient of this year's Nobel Prize for Literature. He has previously won the prize in Physics, and in Economics. During his short acceptance speech he outlined a bullet-proof plan for world peace, which left attendees at the ceremony gasping at its brilliance and audacity. UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan said 'It was obvious when you think about it. I don't know why no-one has thought of it during the entire course of human history. No doubt it took a genius of unparalleled magnitude to see it'. He immediately decided to step aside to allow dfm65 to take up his position. As well, the Nobel committee decided on the spot to award dfm65 the Peace Prize. Dfm65, regularly voted by women the sexiest man on the planet, was characteristically modest. 'I'm just doing my bit for humanity', he said. Dfm65 then made another stunning announcement: he plans to give away 99% of his personal fortune, thought to be several billion dollars, to start a fund to wipe out world hunger and disease once and for all. Inspired by his example, world leaders unanimously allocated sufficient funds for the task. A jubilant President Bush, his arm around the shoulders of his new friend, Kim Jong Il of North Korea, announced that he was dropping the hawks in the Pentagon, as well as the entire US military-industrial complex. 'They weren't really my friends' he said. 'They were just pretending. Wow! All of a sudden i have increased my articulateness'. It seems there are some things even Dfm65 cannot achieve.
Brewers have a winning record.
You heard it right, the Milwaukee Brewers had their first winning season in who knows how long finishing 82-80 but still finishing last in their league. Here's a quote from the GM. "Yup, I'm sure I'll enter the Brewer Hall of Fame after I retire for this achievement. We know we still have work to do but we at least have a shot at being average!"
Blobby eats mankey cheese
blobby today borke the world record for eating the most amount of mankey cheese, reporters said that he was so bored that he masturbated with a cheese grater and saw a lump of cheese sitting there in the fridge, he took it out rubbed it below then started grating it with the cheese grater. Blobby later revieled that it was the best tasting cheddar he had ate in a long time even better than the 60 year old cottage cheese 😲
OBITUARY
Darvlay, 26; Discovery of ancient genie lamp leads to tragic death. After discovering a genie lamp in the heart of the Sahara in 2003, Darvlay returned to Toronto with his new found fortune and became an immediate cultural icon with his love for public spectacle and hard drugs. While what 'wishes' were actually granted are unknown, it is rumoured that Darvlay granted himself a strange power that prevented anybody from saying 'no' to him. This power proved too much for Darvlay to handle as his love for the fast lane eventually caught up to him. Darvlay was found last night, deceased, in the penthouse suite of the Royal York Hotel in downtown Toronto, surrounded by half-empty sugarbowls of cocaine, discarded women's undergarments, $300 slabs of grade A beef tenderloin, a bathtub full of cold Labatt 50s, polaroid pictures of glamorous celebrities in joint-stiffening positions, various marital aids and one video camera. Cause of death is still unknown however multiple-orgasms has not been ruled out. Darvlay will be cremated and have his remains smoked on stage by Snoop Doggy Dogg, as per his wishes.
😀
Originally posted by darvlayI'm very sorry to hear they cut your article. But HEY! This is one of the BEST IDEAS I've seen in a post in a long time!!! You are extremely brilliant, Shavs!
Shavs, I think it was the McCuntan'ass thing you put in there.
Personally, I thought it was hilarious. But you know how these nazis are...
So let's all keep contributing to this cool post!
😀
Contumelious Clan Fraud Exposed
It was revealed today that the previously popular Contumelious Clan (CC) run by no1marauder (42) was in fact a cover organisation run by the Metallica Clan to smuggle information to and from Metallica fans worldwide. The devious plot, revealed by Starrman (23), an undercover reporter working for the Icy Sinister Black Hand of Death (ISBHOD), was said to have traded for months in gig dates and ticket prices using a top secret code. The ISBHOD, using expert cryptographers Blobby and Freddie2004 showed how the endless sarcastic mumblings of these darstedly criminals were in fact a secret code. A code in which such messages as "Metallica are good, you must buy their records" could be heard when playing recordings of conversations involving the CC backwards.
"I knew there was something amiss when the old pirate used words such as insolent and ironic", said Darvlay, leader of the executive office of the ISBHOD "I think you'll agree he couldn't possibly have learnt words such as these on his own. Even the clan name is beyond his simple reckoning".
The Metallica Clan failed to comment when invited to speak at a news conference, prefering to issue a statement through their bearded troll spokesperson James Chetbakerfield: "grumblegrumblegrumble NAPSTER! grumble CONTUMELIOUS grumblegrumble"
When asked why such blantant misappropriation of clan funds should have brought about such a situation, no1marauder attacked a reporter and brandished a fist at others shouting "Yer'l never takes me alive. Ahgugugugug!" before falling out of his wheelchair.
The police are looking into the situation, but refused to comment on whether this would have any effect on the LAME CLAN CHALLENGE SCORING SYSTEM.
Originally posted by Starrmanclassic!
[b]Contumelious Clan Fraud Exposed
It was revealed today that the previously popular Contumelious Clan (CC) run by no1marauder (42) was in fact a cover organisation run by the Metallica Clan to smuggle information to and from Metallica fans worldwide. The devious plot, revealed by Starrman (23), an undercover reporter working for the Icy Sinister Bl ...[text shortened]... used to comment on whether this would have any effect on the LAME CLAN CHALLENGE SCORING SYSTEM.[/b]
Bobby Fischer announces that he has come out of retirement to challenge for the World Title!
Reporter: Bobby, why did you take so long to make this decision?"
Fischer: "Well, I kinda figured that if I stayed on top 30 years ago, right now I'd be a has-been... so, THIS was my brilliant plan all along! To let everyone run amuck while I increase my knowledge over the game. Believe me, now NOBODY can beat me!"
Well due to continuous PMing (I wish), I've decided to re-write the article I'd written, so that everybody can read it:
Shavixmir has a *** change
Bald, fat, ugly and spotty Shavixmir II finally went ahead and had his *** change.
"It's been a long time coming." He said to Jeremy Clarkson at the Austin Martin rememberance dinner party. "It was a snip just waiting to happen. I always knew, deep down, that female *groans* last so much longer than male *groans*."
Shavixmir, 33, was born Mark McCantanas in Glasgow, Scotland and preferred wearing skirts from when he was 7 years old.
"I think it was a Scottish scouting thing. We were encouraged to experiment with anything that comes to hand.
Shavixmir spent his teenage days as a Metallica fan.
"It was just so easy to fit in with the long hair, the T-shirts that look like dresses...and...all those pretty young boys in their tight leather trousers...
"Eventually I was forced to leave the fan club, because I didn't want to bathe with the boys after good head banging session."
The editor would like to point out that mr. Shavixmir forget to use the word "banging" and that we have been so kind to include it.
Shavixmir has now changed his name since birth.
"I had to do it, you know. It's just not the same having 36 second long *groans* and your partner (read: boyfriend) is calling out: "Ooooh Mark(editor: the tea is ready)...Ohhhh Mark (editor: the tea is ready)...
"So, I've changed my name to Markelle McCantanas (editor: That first a is pronounced as u). Now I feel complete."
Shavixmir will next appear on Top Gear test driving the new Porche 911 Super Turbo 7 liter Targa-rocket.