I'm a fan myself, so don't shout at me.....:'(
The Wit And Wisdom Of Chairman Ken Bates
Whether it's calling American tourists 'cowards' or likening a stadium to a 'concentration camp', Chairman Ken's never been able to keep his gob shut. And now he's back - are we in for a new era of nonsense?
Bates on why American tourists were not visiting Chelsea Village: "Experience shows that after a disaster it is particularly difficult with the Americans, who appear to be quite cowardly despite their Rambo films."
Bates on the lifestyles of the rich and famous footballers following the arrests of John Terry and Jody Morris: "Unfortunately much of it is frittered away on fast cars, designer clothes and an attitude to pleasure reminiscent of the 18-30 holiday packages."
Bates' (ignored) advice to Morris: "Jody, you could become a great future Chelsea captain but learn from your current peers. Don't let me see you eating hamburgers at Gatwick airport, and forget your flash cars and the nightclubs."
Bates' inscription on a medal he tried to give Sir Alex after a Chelsea victory: "To Lord Fergie, The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread."
Bates does his best David Brent impression: "Football is a business where you can only win if there is a loser and the person is terrible."
Bates on the security at Marseille: "Our fans were systematically abused all evening without any provocation and yet we were fined. A bit like being put in a Nazi concentration camp and being charged an admission fee."
Bates' seasons greetings: "I hope you had a great Christmas - you should have done, three points against Villa last Saturday should have put you in a good mood for Christmas Day but did you note that only four members of the ten were over 25 although goalkeepers don't count."
Bates on the art of management: "The staff have, with few exceptions, responded willingly to the greater challenge that has faced them. The few exceptions are now pursuing their career goals in other spheres."
Bates tells a gag: "We had probably our best ever Player of the Year Dance last week. You elected Dennis Wise as Player of the Year. Dennis accepted his award mimicking Vialli, whereupon Zola shouted 'Speak English', Dennis switched to his normal Cockney voice only for Zola to shout 'You're still not speaking English'."
Bates on the FA's disciplinary procedures: "At first they were a shambles. Now they have descended via farce to make them a laughing stock. It has come to a pretty pass when FIFA criticise our performance."
Bates on the Chelsea pensioners: "I got calls from Italy last summer and one agent offered me Batistuta. He told me 'Batistuta wants to come to Chelsea'. I said 'I'm sure he does, but we've stopped signing pensioners'."
Bates on being ousted from the board of the Wembley project: "Even Jesus Christ only had one Pontius Pilate - I had a whole team of them."
Bates on corporate hospitality 'fans': "Just what makes them any different from the fan who meets his mates around the corner from the ground, eats pie and chips at a local restaurant, washed down by a bottle of wine or a few pints and then walks to the ground?"
Bates on fans 'crying poor': "Poverty among fans is grossly
exaggerated when you see what they spend elsewhere. A small minority are poor and can't afford it."
Bates on being told that then Prime Minister Harold Wilson did not approve of him setting up business in Rhodesia - now Zimbabwe - in the 1960s: "You can tell the Prime Minister that I don't approve of a lot of things he does but he doesn't take any notice of me so I won't take any notice of him."
Bates on manager and player discipline: "Managers who criticise referees should be banned from the touchline and if they can't control their players they should be suspended themselves."
Bates on the misbehaviour of Besiktas fans in the Champions League last season: "All those toilet rolls coming on was orchestrated. They wanted to get the kick-off delayed so they would know what the other result was before our game finished. I said to Roman Abramovich, 'if you fancy making another billion, go and open another toilet factory in Turkey'.''