- Joined
- 20 Feb 02
- Moves
- 58336
Insurance Claims:
Subject: Genuine claims that Norwich Union customers have written on their insurance claim forms
I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.
I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo
I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.
I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control. (OUCH!)
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.
Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: Watch the Marty Caine Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car.
Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.
The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- Joined
- 20 Feb 02
- Moves
- 58336
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.....
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A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
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That reminds me... I was in Burger King the other day (just for a drink you understand!) and one of the 'fries with that' operatives dropped the steel tongues he was using to put the onion rings into a carton. There was a strange moment as the implement clattered to the floor.. you could almost hear the cogs whirring in his brain; "Has anyone seen me drop them", "Should I just wipe them on my uniform?" etc...
In the event he scuttled of into the back somewhere and returned with, hopefully, a clean pair of tongues.
Rhymester
Originally posted by latex bishopThe one about the moter home is true. In fact, the guy sued the company and won. It seems that the drivers manual didn't say you could not leave the wheel. They have since changed the manuals.
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't or ...[text shortened]... cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
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- Joined
- 20 Feb 02
- Moves
- 58336
Another good story...
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And this year's nominee is (drum roll, please):
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal, embedded into the side of a cliff running above a strip of highway, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was actually the remains of a car. The type of car, however, was unidentifiable at the scene. The crackerjack police crime lab, after much pondering and computing of highly improbable and annoyingly complex physics formulas, finally figured out what it was and the details of what had happened.
It seems that the driver of the car had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit - as in Jet Assisted Take Off - which is actually a solid fuel rocket used to give very heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had then driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road, attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired it off.
Silly boy.
The facts as best as could be determined by what little was left of him, are that the operator of the former 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.9 miles from the final crash site. This was determined by the very prominent, and somewhat smelly, scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
If operating properly, the JATO would have reached "maximum thrust" within 5 seconds after ignition, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph, and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 short (but certainly harrowing) seconds.
At this point, the driver, now pilot, and soon-to-be cadaver, would be experiencing g-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 pilots under full afterburner blowout, and reducing him to nearly two-dimensional status for the rest of the ride.
However, the trusty Impala managed to remain on the highway for an additional 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds in rocket travel time) before the driver, in a nearly superhuman (and superstupid) effort to stop the car, applied the brakes. Not completely unlike ice cream on a hot summer day, the brakes immediately melted, and the tires subsequently blew, leaving thick streaks of steamy rubber on the road surface. The Impala, now without either brakes or wheels, and therefore airborne . . . . continued for an additional 1.4 screaming miles of fun, before impacting a cliff face at an amazing height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Sadly, but not unbelievably, most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted painstakingly from the smoking crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
