Joke Thread (Year of Our Lord, 2013)

“Irish Birth Control”

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fookin' candle.'
.

The post that was quoted here has been removed

2 pensioners were in a home discussing their ailments.
one said to the other which of these diseases would you rather have?
Parkinson's disease or Alzheimer's?


Parkinson's definitely the other guy replied immediately.

Why is that? Asked the first guy?

Because, the other guy answered,

I'd rather spill half of my drink than forget where I left it.

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.99 a minute.

A few years back, when someone had difficulties in remembering names it was called " weak memory".
Today it is called "Alzheimer" and another name to memorize.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied..
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off.
Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off.
''Because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Originally posted by shortcircuit
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off.
Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

(like)

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

mikelom's addition to this Joke Thread {year of Buddha 2556} ----> (I don't like facilitated, one-sided and singularised agenda thread titles!) [monotheist]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, little fella cups Scoser's huge ear:

"Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that" he says.
"Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.

"Something about a job." 😀

-m.

Originally posted by mikelom
mikelom's addition to this Joke Thread {year of Buddha 2556} ----> (I don't like facilitated, one-sided and singularised agenda thread titles!) [monotheist]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 o ...[text shortened]... ?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies.

"Something about a job." 😀

-m.

It's scary when a guy starts making the same noises as his coffee maker.

-b.

Originally posted by Grampy Bobby
It's scary when a guy starts making the same noises as his coffee maker.

-b.

It's called introspection and acceptance of oneself.

Something you clearly don't do, as you pout out advice to others you clearly have not experienced.

There's nothing scary about it. It's part of continuous maturing.

Try it. It tastes much better that bitter coffee!

-m. 😉

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
.