Originally posted by Ice ColdYou're too much, Ice.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts tossing them
in the air, and then catching them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig
it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for a ...[text shortened]... rows
older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
😀
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.
Distraught, she asked her husband to unscrew the seat and drive her to the doctor.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,” What in the world happened?” The assistant replied, “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?"
"First Place!" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
"I'm entering," says Pinocchio.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Barack Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
Originally posted by Ice ColdMaybe funnier if it was somebody who was a better liar than Pinocchio. He was the worst liar in the world.
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd you do?"
"First Place!" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a ...[text shortened]... ed?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Barack Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
The only cow in a small town in Alberta, stopped giving milk. The people did some research & found they could buy a cow up in Melfort, Saskatchewan for $200. They bought the cow from Saskatchewan and the cow was wonderful; it produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and ask the local Veterinarian, who was very wise, what to do. They told the vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away" they said. "If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow in Saskatchewan?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Saskatchewan?"
The veterinarian replied, with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Saskatchewan."
It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'