Use them if you got them. This one cracked me up.
A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!".
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" asked the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking inward quickly.
"They were smoking marijuana too?" said the officer.
"Yes," nodded the Monkey.
"What else?" queried the officer.
The monkey motioned with his fingers...
"Having sex!. They were having sex, too!?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes," nodded the monkey.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and having sex before they wrecked?"
"Yes," the Monkey nodded.
"What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer.
"Driving," motioned the monkey.
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you" and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to service the trucker.
When finished ,the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that" said the trucker. The man said "Yeah". The trucker ask the man "You want to try it?"
The man said "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
How do you kill a blue monkey?
Shoot it with a blue monkey gun
How do you kill a green monkey?
Shoot it with a green monkey gun.
How do you kill a yellow monkey?
Shoot it with a yellow monkey gun.
How do you kill a pink monkey?
Hold it's nose 'till it turns blue then shoot it with a blue monkey gun
16 differences if a Monkey was President....
16> Under threat of an embargo, Yeltsin quickly apologizes for the USSR's early space program.
15> National Endowment for the Arts replaced by a roomful of President's relatives with typewriters.
14> Microsoft? Sell! IBM? Sell! Chiquita? Buy, baby, buy!
13> "Organ grinding" no longer refers to Presidential proclivities.
12> First President in diapers since the Reagan years.
11> Shiny red butt could be blamed on heredity instead of a wild night at the Little Rock Holiday Inn with a hooker named Wanda.
10> Pauly Shore receives the Presidential Achievement Medal in the Arts.
9> N.R.A. banquet ends badly with Charlton Heston shouting, "Get your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape!"
8> Four opposable thumbs allow for Chinese bribe-taking at twice the speed of current administration.
7> New Director of the FBI: Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.
6> State of the Union address reduced to three minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping instead of ninety minutes of dung-tossing and chest thumping.
5> President's IQ now only 10 points higher than Rush Limbaugh's.
4> To deflect attention from recent scandal, President appears on David Letterman riding a unicycle.
3> "No, Ms. Embry, you can't spend the night in the Lincoln bedroom again!"
2> During press conferences, the President eats lice from Sam Donaldson's toupee.
and the Number 1 Difference if the President Were a Monkey...
1> On executive decisions: Silly-assed toothy grin means "yes." Loud raspberry means "no."