From a friend in an old forum, thought it was quite amusing:
Dear Most Holy Reverend Rabbi Supreme Ayatollah Dr. Ali Katz Graham,
My father is 89 years old and in frail health. He has requested that when he dies, he be cremated or else have his body donated to science. He feels money should be spent on the living, not wasted on the dead. He also does not want a memorial service or an obituary in the newspaper. When he dies, how do we notify his friends and acquaintances that live out of town? Do we call them, and if so, what do we say? I would hate to wait until they call or come to visit and then have to inform them that he died six months ago. Should we send out some sort of “death announcements”? Please help.
—Uneasy in Wisconsin
Dear Blasphemous Sinner,
You are a fool to spit thusly in the face of God, your divine and benevolent heavenly Creator, for He could on a whim magically split open your head and let what little brains you have spill out onto the street to be slurped up by thirsty alley cats. As it says in Matthew 6:19-21, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” This means God wants you to take your father’s life posthaste, as he is clearly a worshipper of Satan and therefore unfit to live but rather should taste the eternal flames of Hell. God says to jab a common dinner fork into your wicked father’s jugular. As you are obviously a mollycoddled mama’s boy living off his family’s accumulated wealth, God instructs that you should send your inheritance to the Ali Katz Graham Institute for Currency Studies.
—Most Holy
Dear Most Holy Reverend Rabbi Supreme Ayatollah Dr. Ali Katz Graham,
I am an 18-year-old girl who just started college. I am attending the local junior college and living at home to save money. Lately I've been spending time with a man who works for my dad. This man is 33 years old, and my mom flips out over the fact that I even speak to a man his age. He is divorced with two children. I enjoy his company and we like to go jogging together. My mother has forbidden me to speak to him and threatens to tell my dad. This would mean that he'd lose his job. My parents treat me like I'm 10 years old. I want to make my mom happy, but not at the expense of my happiness. Is there any way this can work out?
—Confused in Kentucky
Dear Gullible One,
God whispers in my ear that you are a filthy little slut who needs stiff discipline thrust into your life by a man who knows how to give you what you’re afraid to ask for. As it says in Psalm 33:10-11, “The Lord foils the plans of the nations; He thwarts the purposes of the peoples. But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of His heart through all generations.” God instructs you to wage jihad against your 33-year-old corrupter, who is clearly the Devil in mortal guise. Cut off all contact with the Evil One and immediately send a clear nude photo, a pair of dirty panties, and a way to contact you to the Ali Katz Graham Center for Burgeoning Sexuality Studies.
—Most Holy
Dear Most Holy Reverend Rabbi Supreme Ayatollah Dr. Ali Katz Graham,
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. I have known him many years, and we're very compatible. We each have two children. His are under age 10, and I have two teenagers. There are things about the way he has raised his boys that are different from the way I raised my kids at that age. His sons don't have a bedtime, and I believe children need a bedtime for several reasons, one being that it gives adults some quiet time in the evening after working all day. The other thing that bothers me is that these boys have seen a lot of scary movies, movies with the F-word in them, and movies with a lot of sexual content. I am uncomfortable with all this and don't know how to talk about these things without sounding like I'm criticizing my boyfriend’s parenting. I am afraid that if I keep this bottled up, it will ruin our relationship, but if I say something, it will ruin it, too. We are planning to live together next year, and I don't want this to be an issue at that time. Any advice would be most appreciated.
—Mother Knows Best in Illinois
Dear Immoral Whore,
God doesn’t need a letter to inform Him that you have been living in sin with your undisciplined atheist boyfriend. God knows quite well how you love to be bent over the sofa as one masculine hand holds your wrists together above your head and another spanks your shapely buttocks till they turn red, even as you receive punishing thrusts from a throbbing, rigid, blood-engorged penis. You must cease these practices immediately, for Acts 20:35 reads, “I have shown you in every way by laboring like this, that you must support the weak. And remembering the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” This means that rather than receiving the pleasure you desire, you should be giving pleasure to others. Hail a cab immediately and you will be welcomed by the open arms of God at the Ali Katz Graham Foundation for Oral Gratification Studies.
—Most Holy
Dear Most Holy Reverend Rabbi Supreme Ayatollah Dr. Ali Katz Graham,
I have a dilemma regarding my ex-aunt. She wants us to like her new husband. My family and I do not. Her first husband was my uncle, now deceased but still a good Christian. How do I get the point across that we don't like her new husband and she should leave us all alone?
—Family Man in Colorado
Dear Future Denizen of the Lake of Fire,
God smiles not upon you, for you offend Him with your prideful, wrathful, slovenly existence. Psalm 2:4 says, “He who sits in the heavens shall laugh.” God laughs at you, and it’s not in a mirthful way but rather He is indulging in Schadenfreude, as is His wont as Creator of the Universe. But despair not, disgusting one, for Psalm 135:18 tells us, “The Lord is close to all who call on Him, yes, to all who call on Him sincerely.” The best way for you to get God’s attention is to throw yourself before a hurtling train, but not before you change your will to include a generous bequest to the Ali Katz Graham Headquarters for International Avarice Studies.
—Most Holy
Originally posted by lauseyYou sure this isn't XanthosNZ in disguise?
From a friend in an old forum, thought it was quite amusing:
Dear Most Holy Reverend Rabbi Supreme Ayatollah Dr. Ali Katz Graham,
My father is 89 years old and in frail health. He has requested that when he dies, he be cremated or else have his body donated to science. He feels money should be spent on the living, not wasted on the dead. He also does n ...[text shortened]... t to the Ali Katz Graham Headquarters for International Avarice Studies.
—Most Holy