This post is designed to give people a place to air out their dirty laundry and say what is on their minds. To say what may be bothering them in their personal lives. Alot of times it is good to get thing off your chest and out into the open, this can often times help you deal with the stress that life may bring your way.
I am not a therapist and will not pretend to be, I will not offer up any miracle solutions to any of you problem as I assure you I have my own and lots of them. Just creating this post to give other people the chance to express themselves.
Please be honest
Originally posted by deathbypawnall I have to say is wow, nobody is saying anything. I don't know what to think. What do you think, deathbypawn?
This post is designed to give people a place to air out their dirty laundry and say what is on their minds. To say what may be bothering them in their personal lives. Alot of times it is good to get thing off your chest and out into the ...[text shortened]... other people the chance to express themselves.
Please be honest
I have done alot of thinking today to realize that I want independence but at the same time I want a codependent relationship with the women I am going to marry. A relationship where we rely on each other for our common wants and needs. This is to say that I feel as though I want to do things on my own but almost feel dependent on this companionship to fill a void that I have in my life. True there is a space that a companion would fill but there are other issues which I need to address. I havent been happy in quite some time. I am not sure if this is because I am lonely or if this is only part of it. I often feel trapped in columbus a town which I hate. I am here solely because my son is here and I dont want to leave him behind. I am homesick and miss my family which is in the greater Boston area. I do not know the source of this unhappiness all I know is I have been miserable for along time now, I want to be happy again, and want that happiness to come from within not generated from someone else. Yes professor I understand that I must deal with these other emotional and life stresses before I should persue any kind of relationship, but it does not make me feel any less lonely.
I see patterns developing. My own father was never there, although I am here for my son I feel as though alot of the time I can not do things for him that I would like to. Sometimes I feel as though this makes me a bad father. I want to be there for hin more than I am but unfortunetly it is not possible and I feel as though my son is missing out, thus passing on a very destructive pattern.
I am poor. Dirt poor and am having trouble with my finances. I am in debt up to my eyeballs and feel as though I am being buried alive in bills. It feels as though the harder I try the worse it gets. I am in a job that I love but doesnt pay very well thus stuck in the position stay in a gonowhere job and be happy not making any money or get another job that I hate that pays more money. I find myself looking at the bankruptcy option more and more.
Growing up as a kid we moved around a bunch. Every time we met new friends my mother would move us. Often times in the middle of the night sometimes leaving all of our belongings behind, due to her own financial difficulties, I feel as though in both of these cases the sins of the parents is inherited by the children, I learned bad examples and am passing them on unintentially. I am battling depression and constant anxiety which is why I am in the care of a councelor at the pastoral institue which you know. I am taking Lexapro for depression and I dont feel as though it works at all.
I see all of my friends married with kids and it only adds to my depression...in tears believe it or not just writing down all of this stuff...just bair with me I think it feel kind of theraputic.
I was very much in love with Theresa which is my childs mother, she was almost 10 years older than me. I loved her and felt as though she loved me every time I approached the subject of marriage she would change the subject, she would not marry me. Looking back on things I feel used. She knew I loved her and she felt her biological clock ticking and she used me to have a baby. She used me for my sperm believe it or not. Once she got what she wanted ie a baby she told me it wasnt going to work out and even tried to say the baby wasnt mine to rid herself fromcontact with me, a paternity test proved otherwise. I ultimately had to take her to court for her to let me see my son. Now she only lets me see him when the courts say it is ok. Not nearly enough in my opinion. In alot of ways I am very angry with her, it has been 3 years. At first break up I found myself having tons of sex with as many girls as possible sometimes 5-6 different girls in a week i was trying to forget her I was trying to replace her. I did alot of drugs and alot of drinking trying to shut out those memories. For the longest time I did not realize that I was still in love with her regardless of the situation. It took me 3 years to finally realize this. I have forgiven her and asked for her forgiveness and no longer feel as though I am binded to her. Now a want to find someone comes from my want to be with someone to share my life with not wanting to replace her.
Continuing on I feel as though I am stuck in this rut and dont know the way to get out. I feel as though I am trapped in a hole, and I am trying to dig my way out of the hole, but the hole is only getting deeper and to make things worse the dirt I am slinging from this hole is getting everybody I love and care about, as a result I feel as though they are kicking all of the dirt back in on me and I am being buried alive in it all. I feel so overwhelmed.
It should be said that I am an emotional wreck who needs to concern himself with getting well before pursuing any kind of relationship but there again how do I fight the loneliness.
I have been extremly honest with everyone today which takes more than you know. I feel as though you guys are family. I honestly come here for advice and "therapy" I appreciate all of everyones love and support.
I would ask that we try to keep this forum site exclusively for the relationship and life issues at hand.
Thanks for listening
DBP -ROB-
Thanks for taking the time to read this I know it is quite long
As I have mentioned to DBP privately, public therapy in the forums is not a good idea. The Ivory Tower thread was started to promote ideas and education. To have a thread devoted to an overtly revealing of problems with the idea that none professionals can be "therapeutic" has all kinds of problems in it. Occasionally I have played a game with someone and we have talked about an issue through a game. I personally have a lot of problems with programs like Dr. Phil simply becasue I consider them voyueristic. Therapy by TV (or internet chess) is not therapy. Finding some kind of community on the site may be uplifting and encouraging, but it is not therapy.
Plus the Ivory Tower does not want to be sued for malpractice. 🙂