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RIP Santa

Standard memberwhodey
General 25 Dec '12 17:43
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    25 Dec '12 17:43
    An unfortunate tragedy has just unfolded, it has just been confirned that Santa and his sleigh have been shot down by a US drone over the US/Canada border. Apparently the drone caught sight of Rudolphs red nose and could not identify the object, so it was subsequently shot down. There were no survivors.

    Rudulph leaves a fawn and doe behind, his parents could not be reached for comment.
  2. Joined
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    25 Dec '12 17:463 edits
    Fox news has just reported an Al Qaeda connection with Santa, specifcally with children 10 years old and younger. It is not certain whether this connection had anything to do with the tragedy. Currenlty the White House is denying any such allegations.

    Nontheless, the US ambassador to the North Pole has been put on a high state of alert and is refusing to open its doors to elves, reindeer, misfit toys, and abominable snow men.

    Unfortunately, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has reportidly taken another spill and subsequent concussion and could not be reached for comment.
  3. Standard memberapathist
    looking for loot
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    25 Dec '12 18:19
    Originally posted by whodey
    An unfortunate tragedy has just unfolded, ...
    Happens every year. He'll be back.
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    25 Dec '12 18:401 edit
    Originally posted by apathist
    Happens every year. He'll be back.
    The Obama administration was quick to point out that the job would soon be filled by other applicants and unemployment numbers continue to wane. Until then, President Obama would personally assume the role of Santa Clause.
  5. Standard memberChessPraxis
    Cowboy From Hell
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    25 Dec '12 18:45
    Originally posted by whodey
    An unfortunate tragedy has just unfolded, it has just been confirned that Santa and his sleigh have been shot down by a US drone over the US/Canada border. Apparently the drone caught sight of Rudolphs red nose and could not identify the object, so it was subsequently shot down. There were no survivors.

    Rudulph leaves a fawn and doe behind, his parents could not be reached for comment.
    This just in, three Oriental kings have been arrested near the Israeli border for attempting to smuggle rubber cigars.
    Film at 11:00
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    25 Dec '12 18:57
    Originally posted by ChessPraxis
    This just in, three Oriental kings have been arrested near the Israeli border for attempting to smuggle rubber cigars.
    Film at 11:00
    Protests have just exploded in Gaza. Protesters are insisting that the rubber cigars in question were not exploding cigars.
  7. Standard memberGrampy Bobby
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    25 Dec '12 19:371 edit
    Many 9/11 sites are happy to give you links and videos repeating the "truckload of explosives" and related stories, yet mysteriously few point out that these were questioned or retracted later. In the RHP Reports since, for instance, the reporters implied they were waiting for Obama Top Down Brief Briefings that would provide more information. Here's the transcript:
  8. SubscriberKewpie
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    25 Dec '12 23:391 edit
    Here's the real story:

    Word has reached us that Santa Claus, also known as Kris Kringle, has been killed in a horrific mid-air collision between his fast-moving sleigh and a flock of night-flying Canada Geese. The collision, which occurred over New York City shortly after midnight local time, forced the magical sleigh down in a marshy area of the Meadowlands, across the Hudson River from Manhattan, from which it took several hours to evacuate Mr. Claus and get him to Meadowlands Hospital where he was pronounced dead. The cause of death was announced as massive blunt force trauma to the head by a goose.

    The accident apparently happened after Mr. Klaus had completed delivering presents in the borough of Manhattan and was on his way to New Jersey to continue on his mission of love and consumerism. Several reports of his having drank eggnog spiked with rum just prior to the crash have been received but are as of yet unsubstantiated, though one fireman who assisted in the rescue effort said, “If the dude in the red suit we pulled out of the swamp wasn’t wasted then there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny.”

    The condition of all of Mr. Klaus’s various reindeer has not been ascertained, though it is reported that Donner and Blitzen both came through the crash landing without a scratch and that Dasher and Dancer suffered only minor injuries. The condition of the others is unknown, though a sheet-covered stretcher with a red glow coming from beneath it seems to indicate that Rudolph, famous for his nose so bright, might not have survived the crash.

    Reports from across the United States west of the Hudson River indicate that presents were not delivered and millions of children are suffering the double trauma of hearing of their icon’s death and getting no presents despite doing their best to behave all year. Police in numerous towns and cities have reported mobs forming outside of toy stores, with some looting taking place, as desperate parents seek the items on their kids’ Christmas lists, if only to get a bit of peace and quiet.

    President Obama addressed the nation, asking for calm, and reminded everyone of the joy that Mr. Claus had brought to so many over the years, “Santa Claus will be forever in our hearts and in our minds. He was the very model of kindness and generosity and he clearly would not have wanted to see his death cause pain or turmoil for anyone. Our thoughts and prayers are with Mrs. Klaus and the elves in the wake of this terrible and tragic accident.”

    Mayor Bloomberg, however, was nearly apoplectic about the death of Mr. Klaus, “Ever since the miracle on the Hudson I have done my best to see every single goose in the city dead. Now I will redouble my efforts and bring all of New York City’s resources to bear to make sure that every last goose in New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut is killed before I leave office, which I think will be in 2024.”

    A memorial service for Mr. Klaus is planned for this evening at 7 PM in Giants Stadium. In lieu of flowers, Mrs. Klaus has asked that donations be made to Overeaters Anonymous, an organization that helped her late husband a great deal in his personal struggles with constant Christmas cookie temptation.
  9. SubscriberKewpie
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    25 Dec '12 23:43
    Comments made by observers after the story went to air:

    ~ There may be a sigh of relief from parents–after all, they did all the work and Santa got all the credit.
    ~ Well , I really saw that coming!! The way Kris Kringle flys that sled , there is no surprise!!
    ~ Thank God Rudolph bit it. I’ve wanted to strangle that guy since I was three years old.
    ~ Too eager to get the story published without doing his homework. Just the blood and guts. Nothing about the impact beyond the moment, the back story, the larger story. Shallow, shallow. Tsk, tsk, tsk. No mention of the impact on the ecology of the wildlife in the Meadowlands! Were the birds affected in some way? The habitat? Are the access roads still drivable? Are the parking areas still usable by birders? Were there any RAILS injured or killed? And the OWLS? Tell the readers what they really want to hear about!
  10. SubscriberVery Rusty
    Treat Everyone Equal
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    26 Dec '12 04:03
    RUBBISH!!!
  11. Joined
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    27 Dec '12 00:29
    Originally posted by Very Rusty
    RUBBISH!!!
    ?????
  12. Standard memberChessPraxis
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    27 Dec '12 01:06
    Originally posted by whodey
    ?????
    Meant meant rubbish my brilliant cigar post got no thumbs.
    Jerks 😞
  13. Dublin Ireland
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    27 Dec '12 13:09
    Originally posted by Very Rusty
    RUBBISH!!!
    Yes that's generally what's left after Christmas day.

    When does the garbage truck come 'round again?
  14. Standard memberRBHILL
    Acts 13:48
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    27 Dec '12 14:57
    Originally posted by whodey
    An unfortunate tragedy has just unfolded, it has just been confirned that Santa and his sleigh have been shot down by a US drone over the US/Canada border. Apparently the drone caught sight of Rudolphs red nose and could not identify the object, so it was subsequently shot down. There were no survivors.

    Rudulph leaves a fawn and doe behind, his parents could not be reached for comment.
    Havn't you seen that Movie the Satna Cluase? Whoever finds his Cloths and puts them on is the next Santa.
  15. SubscriberVery Rusty
    Treat Everyone Equal
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    27 Dec '12 17:11
    The post that was quoted here has been removed
    I believe it is all part of your personality. 😉
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