Formal investigation ensuing into the financial dealings of Toy Tycoon
The chairman of publicly traded company Santa Clause World Corp. Inc. Dot Com, Mr. Santa Clause was recently ordered to shut down his multi-million dollar company due to numerous violations of antitrust laws which have made his company the undisputed number one in the “Joy-delivery” business.
The famous icon, who requires over two hundred tonnes of cookie dough each year to remain alive, was found guilty of monopolising the business of delivering joy to children around the world through relentless advertising, assassination of possible competitors, and preventing the world’s supply of elves fm entering the job market.
Further investigation has uncovered a multitude of crimes that Mr. Clause will be tried for next year. He has been charged with numerous accounts of breaking and entering, reckless driving by drinking alcohol while piloting a registered aircraft, and stashing the vast majority of his profits in overseas tax shelters under false aliases such as Kris Kringle, “Jolly old” Saint Nicolas, Weihnachtsmann, Father Christmas and Will Self.
In addition to these crimes one of his reindeer, Rudolph McRednose, is suing his former employer for Ten million Dollars, claiming that he suffered mental abuse at the hooves of his co-workers, who “wouldn’t let him join in any reindeer games”. Rudolph also claims that Mr Clause did nothing about it, except to exploit his glowing nose for navigation purposes.
This unfortunate turn of events comes at a time when demand for Clause-Brand merchandise is at an all time high amongst the largely agnostic masses. Fortunately, companies such as Wal-Mart, Ikea and Kentucky Fried Chicken have stepped in to fill the wide gap left in the “Joy” industry. For a small fee, you can have a chap gun, a piece of hardwood floor or a bucket of chicken delivered to your door on Christmas Day (or one of the twelve days following it) so that the magic of Christmas will remain alive.
“Consider that you would normally pay at least $12 (£6) for the drink and food you would give to Santa as payment for his services, this is a great bargain!” claimed a recent KFC advertisement for the new Twelve Days of Christmas Bargain Bucket. “Have your presents ever been this finger-lickin’ good?”
“He was steering Christmas down the wrong path. All those cookies, the free booze, and his national sponsorship deal with Coca-Cola had corrupted him. He was advertising obesity with his jolly attitude towards his figure, and class elitism with his biased distribution of presents in favour of the upper class. Due to his incompetence, Christmas had almost become completely commercialised.” Said PR director of Wal-Mart while rolling around in a big pile of five-dollar bills. “Thank goodness we stopped him in time.”