When I talk dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to me, it's $3.95 a minute!
Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair
I Used Up All My Sick Days, So I Called in Dead
Husband and Cat Lost--Reward for Cat
Be Nice to Your Children--They'll Pick Your Nursing Home
Husbands Should Come with Instructions
I Want It All and I Want It Delivered
Life is Hard; Then You Nap
Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same.
I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man; I've Been Practicing Since 1943.
If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees
If You Can Read This, Thank a Teacher
A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
Procrastinate Now
(Across a drawing of a skeleton) Waiting for the Perfect Man
My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse--He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
Young at Heart--Slightly Older in Other Places
I Didn't Drive My Husband Crazy--I Flew Him There--It Was Faster
Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups
I Don't Suffer from Insanity--I'm a Carrier
Finally 21 and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15
El Nino Made Me Do It
MEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service. WOMEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, Free Drinks
You Who Think You Know Everything Are Annoying to Those of Us That Do
The Two Most Common Elements in the Universe Are Hydrogen and Stupidity
I'm Not Getting Older; I'm Getting Bitter
Aliens Abducted Me, Laser-Photographed My Internal Organs, Dropped Me Off in a Crop Circle, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
It IS As Bad As You Think, and They ARE Out To Get You
I'm on a 30-Day Diet. So Far I've Lost 15 Days.
Shin--A Device for Finding Furniture in the Dark
Familiarity Breeds Children
You Have a Right to Your Opinions. I Just Don't Want to Hear Them.
Proofread Carefully to See if You Any Words Out Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, but You're Still an Idiot
When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS
He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest
Taxation WITH Representation Isn't So Hot Either
Democracy is Mob Rule with Income Taxes
Growing Old is Mandatory--Growing Up is Optional
I'm Not 50--I'm 18 with 32 Years Experience
Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young
My Wife Says I Don't Listen to Her--At Least That's What I Think She Says
I'm Not Unemployed--I'm a Consultant
Goodbye Tension, Hello Pension
Don't p--- me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But, like...who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes
I'm multi-talented. I can talk and p--- you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
I smile 'cause you've all finally driven me insane.
And your point is...
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
If he only had a brain...
I'm busy-you're ugly-have a nice day.
I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name, you'll be screaming it later.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one!
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Don't worry, it'll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don't look busy- I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
4 out of the 5 voices in my head say "call in sick."
Sorry if I look interested - I'm not.
My I.Q. test came back negative.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
Dogs think they are human. Cats believe they are God.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap & easy!
