Urgent advice needed! [serious thread] # 2

Just arrived to the good ol' US of A, and I need urgent
advice on how to deal with the locals.

Please, do not fool around, these are serious questions:

1. When served the customary gallon of ranch dressing at
social and business meals, am I supposed to down it in
one gulp or small, frequent sips suffice?

2. When invited to inject insulin with my hosts, is it ok if
I refuse to share needless?

3. How many shots is polite to take when offered to use
my hosts' semiautomatic rifle? The whole magazine? Just
a few?

4. Am I supposed to compliment the house lady on her
minority servants or should I wait until shown the cotton
fields?

5. Can I name drop Gramps as the most famous American
I know? Or should it be rookie?

Thanks, guys, i really appreciate your insights.

1. Real men don’t sip. Sip only in the company of Dear Abby.

2. BYON is the rule. (Bring your own needles.)

3. Getting a firm grip aiming true is more important than the number of rounds. Bringing down your quarry with a single shot will impress your host.

4. Never mention servants. Even if they are standing next to you. Servants are invisible (colorless).

5. Name-drop Ted Nugent (even if you don’t know him, you must have been to one of his concerts or heard one of his albums or been in the same state).

A Texan rancher took me out in his truck and said we could drive all day and still not reach the end of his land.
I said I used to have a car like that.

1. Just smile and say "ohhh, seenyore, thees ees real guud greengo sauce."
2. Same as answer to no. 1.
3. Shoot entire magazine as fast as you can and shout "Arriba! Arriba!" like Speedy Gonzales. .
4. No compliments are expected of you, just put on the white servant's jacket laid out for you and start handing out canapes on a silver serving tray to the real guests.
5. Just say you think Andrew Jackson was a helluva president by the way he handled that trail of tears thing. Mention how funny you think Bill Dana was when he did the Mexican astronaut bit in the 60's,
Add no. 6. Ask them if they have any daughters.

YouTube

Quick. Obama just asked me to keep a birth certificate in my
safe box. What do?

Ask him for his autograph. Make sure to have a green card underneath with carbon paper in between.

Originally posted by moonbus
Ask him for his autograph. Make sure to have a green card underneath with carbon paper in between.

Sí! Tengo una green card ahora, sen̂or! Ay ay ay!

you just need to know two facts:

* You don't need a southern accent and a pick-up to be a redneck.

* You don't need a brain to own a gun.

[extra points to the person who knows the source 😉 ]

Flash update from the land of the frisbee, home of the sprained.

I have been offered several positions as Head of Urban Distribution of
Fruits, a.k.a. selling oranges in the streets. I have rejected them all. I repeat,
I have rejected them all.

On another news, local women are willing and able. Particularly if there's
meth involved.