Originally posted by TheGambit
Is someone able to either supply a definitive proof for the following statement, or dis-prove it please:
"The length of time it takes to clean oneself after a number two is inverseley proportional to the amount of time you have to complete said exercise"
Or, in layman's terms, why, when you're in a real hurry, does it take stacks of toilet paper ...[text shortened]... r arse?
This is for, errrm, a, errrrm, study we're doing in our fluid dynamics course.......
The secret is in the turtle-head principle. Even when retracted into the inter-anal region, that little stink nugget requires a lengthy cleaning, mostly because at that point wiping becomes like hewing down a rock with a shammy.
When you're taking a monstrous dump, you know, the kind that curls around the bowl like a kielbasa sausage, you're naturally going to be more relaxed because you're "getting something big off your chest" so to speak. This allows the brown snake to exit your starfish whole and intact - no turtle-head left over! For craps of this type, wiping is quick, clean and efficient, less a chore than a pleasure.
Now, when you're in a hurry, you're naturally less relaxed because you have somewhere to be other than the smear-trough management refers to as a "restroom". This causes your inner sphincter (the one not under concious control) to become agitated, snapping shut at inopportune moments. Craps of this type resemble snipped cigars. However, the part that gets snipped in this case has nowhere to go, so it makes reservations - "lodging for one" in your nether-crevice. Because it's in the inter-anal region, it's tough to dig out, and you're left with the unseemly task of trying to exfoliate the turd one layer at a time. Consequently, you end up using a lot of TP.
So I think in this case, physiology plays a much bigger role in the paper-wad playoffs than fluid mechanics does. Of course, this evaluation excludes fast, messy diarrhea (blown out like a shotgun blast), which is a vomit-fest I'd rather avoid.