Proof Required

Is someone able to either supply a definitive proof for the following statement, or dis-prove it please:

"The length of time it takes to clean oneself after a number two is inverseley proportional to the amount of time you have to complete said exercise"

Or, in layman's terms, why, when you're in a real hurry, does it take stacks of toilet paper to clean your arse?

This is for, errrm, a, errrrm, study we're doing in our fluid dynamics course.......

Originally posted by TheGambit
Is someone able to either supply a definitive proof for the following statement, or dis-prove it please:

"The length of time it takes to clean oneself after a number two is inverseley proportional to the amount of time you have to complete said exercise"

Or, in layman's terms, why, when you're in a real hurry, does it take stacks of toilet paper ...[text shortened]... r arse?

This is for, errrm, a, errrrm, study we're doing in our fluid dynamics course.......

The secret is in the turtle-head principle. Even when retracted into the inter-anal region, that little stink nugget requires a lengthy cleaning, mostly because at that point wiping becomes like hewing down a rock with a shammy.

When you're taking a monstrous dump, you know, the kind that curls around the bowl like a kielbasa sausage, you're naturally going to be more relaxed because you're "getting something big off your chest" so to speak. This allows the brown snake to exit your starfish whole and intact - no turtle-head left over! For craps of this type, wiping is quick, clean and efficient, less a chore than a pleasure.

Now, when you're in a hurry, you're naturally less relaxed because you have somewhere to be other than the smear-trough management refers to as a "restroom". This causes your inner sphincter (the one not under concious control) to become agitated, snapping shut at inopportune moments. Craps of this type resemble snipped cigars. However, the part that gets snipped in this case has nowhere to go, so it makes reservations - "lodging for one" in your nether-crevice. Because it's in the inter-anal region, it's tough to dig out, and you're left with the unseemly task of trying to exfoliate the turd one layer at a time. Consequently, you end up using a lot of TP.

So I think in this case, physiology plays a much bigger role in the paper-wad playoffs than fluid mechanics does. Of course, this evaluation excludes fast, messy diarrhea (blown out like a shotgun blast), which is a vomit-fest I'd rather avoid.

"at that point wiping becomes like hewing down a rock with a shammy."

That is without doubt the best analogy I have heard on this subject....waaaaahhhh....very good

You seem fairly qualified on this subject and your profile suggests you have more than passing thoughts about the ins and outs of bowel movements. I think a 1 hour stand-up comedy show could be filled with such discussions with plenty of material left over, so to speak.

I will be having a word with my lecturer tomorrow to ask what his relevance is, don't you worry about that.

Originally posted by TheGambit
I will be having a word with my lecturer tomorrow to ask what his relevance is, don't you worry about that.

Be sure to flush afterwards.

Just when I though the level of this forum can't drop any lower, I get proven wrong with this thread 😛
At least it was amusing to read... 😀

Believe me, it could probobly drop more... I just won't be the one to lower the bar to new standards.

Originally posted by TheGambit
"at that point wiping becomes like hewing down a rock with a shammy."

That is without doubt the best analogy I have heard on this subject....waaaaahhhh....very good

You seem fairly qualified on this subject and your profile suggests you have more than passing thoughts about the ins and outs of bowel movements. I think a 1 hour stand-up comedy show ...[text shortened]... ving a word with my lecturer tomorrow to ask what his relevance is, don't you worry about that.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here and filthy all week, please tip your waitress.

What did your lecturer say? I bet he wishes he'd never asked the question, didn't he? Heheh...case closed.

It's not inversely proportional, merely negatively correlated

This thread is like a 'floater' - it keeps rising to the top no matter how often you flush.

Ghost Poopie

The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie

The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie

The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie

This happens when you're done Poopie-ing and you've pulled up your pants to your knees, and you realize that you have to Poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie

The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Gassy Poopie

It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is laughing.

Drinker Poopie

The kind of Poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Lincoln Log Poopie

The kind of Poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie

Self-explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie

The kind where you want to Poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie

That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you would swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)

The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt gets splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie

The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie

It smells so bad your nose burns.

The Surprise Poopie

You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but oops.......a Poopie!!!

The Dangling Poopie

This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

Originally posted by TheGambit
Is someone able to either supply a definitive proof for the following statement, or dis-prove it please:

"The length of time it takes to clean oneself after a number two is inverseley proportional to the amount of time you have to complete said exercise"

Or, in layman's terms, why, when you're in a real hurry, does it take stacks of toilet paper ...[text shortened]... r arse?

This is for, errrm, a, errrrm, study we're doing in our fluid dynamics course.......

Well for a REAL clean, use a toothbrush.