...physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:
WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to be associated with effect.
NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the extra six dimensions.
HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.
NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.
DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.
LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.
NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if directly observed.
HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely high speeds.
EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.
GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.
IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User mishandling in this regard.
QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in other products of the Manufacturer.
DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such mysterious disappearances.
AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.
USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.
(c.f. http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/physicsjokes.html )