1. Copenhagen
    Joined
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    13 Apr '05 08:42
    God is love, and watches over each and every human being on Earth to make sure he or she has a happy, successful life. Unfortunately, God's Earth shattering powers of supreme might are easily thwarted by people not believing in Him, so He cannot make some people happy.

    God has been known to use his Earth shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, and causing plagues, famine, and swarms of locusts to attack people.

    God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is comprised of The Father (Daddy), The Holy Ghost (Mommy), and The Son, Jesus (Dennis the Menace). God was not always comprised of Jesus, He was comprised of matter in various unknowable states. He, however, one day decided to throw Jesus in on a whim. Jesus adds flavour. Some other deities (who shall remain nameless) report that the aforementioned flavor is, in fact, teriyaki.

    God likes people to worship and sing to Him. The best way to worship God is to pray for stuff you want, although karaoke also works. Asking for a new car, a new house, or for your ex-boyfriend to die are completely acceptable things to pray for. God hears all prayers and does His best to fulfill all of them, though not within the timespan one would expect. Most of us mere mortals ask and pray for stuff, yet disregard specifying when they would care to have those prayers fulfilled. Thus prayers are sometime fulfill at inopportune times, such as getting that sweet Pinto 35 years later, or getting that BJ from your 6th grade teacher 30 years later.

    If you don't believe in God, then you must believe in Satan. Satan is an angel created by God to do stuff for Him because God is lazy. Unfortunately, Satan did a bad job, was fired, and now lives in Hell where it is rumored he makes a wicked goat cheese and basil panini.

    Because God is pure love, anybody who doesn't believe in Him is forced into eternal suffering in Hell, even good people. However, evil selfish people can believe in God and get into Heaven because God loves them. God loves everybody equally, He even loves the people He has condemned to burn forever.

    If you have any questions about God, you can consult the Bible because the Bible was written by God directly and given to humans. God even translated the Bible for everybody in later years, though the bible industry saw this as anti-competitive, and proceeded to file a class action lawsuit against God.

    http://www.uncyclopedia.org/wiki/God
  2. England
    Joined
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    33497
    13 Apr '05 09:10
    you are so close but yet so far away
  3. Standard memberPhlabibit
    Mystic Meg
    tinyurl.com/3sbbwd4
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    13 Apr '05 13:22
    I find this no less believable than a dj2becker or Darfius post.

    ES
  4. Standard memberwib
    Stay outta my biznez
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    13 Apr '05 14:04
    Originally posted by Phlabibit
    I find this no less believable than a dj2becker or Darfius post.

    ES
    Agreed. Actually they sound almost identical.

  5. Standard memberPhlabibit
    Mystic Meg
    tinyurl.com/3sbbwd4
    Joined
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    13 Apr '05 14:42
    God has been known to use his Earth shattering powers of supreme might in the past, in huge demonstrations of how much He loves each and every person. Some examples are documented carefully in the Bible. Examples include: Flooding the world, burning cities to the ground, and causing plagues, famine, and swarms of locusts to attack people.

    Ah, feel the love!

    ES
  6. Copenhagen
    Joined
    31 May '04
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    6955
    13 Apr '05 18:14
    The Atheist Doctrine

    Atheism is a highly secretive religion devoted to private worship of the ultimate, all powerful god Athe. Their goal is to improve society by persuading people to join them in their faith through cunning arguments of why it's better than anyone else's.

    Because Athe is regarded as the highest and most advanced being in the universe, communication between Him and His lowly creations is regarded as a blasphemous concept in Atheism. As such there exist no holy scriptures in Atheism, and prayer, i.e. attempted communication with a superior being, is strictly forbidden. Anyone who dares to indulge in such activity as the perusal of scripture or prayer ceases to be an Atheist.

    The lack of scripture or common prayer around which to nucleate a faith leaves Atheism a much less cohesive faith than, say, Christianity, Jainism or Islam. As no Atheistic Church actually exists (churches, being lowly human tributes to divine power, are seen as sacreligious affronts to the unreachable glory of Athe) and congregations of Atheists are regarded as unholy (owing to the temptation to group prayer) the typical Atheist has little choice but to attack and challenge the beliefs of other religions, particularly those who partake in the forbidden activities of prayer and congregation. As such, on meeting an Atheist, the last thing you want to do is mention religion - they will likely reel of a list of reasons why your particular deity doesn't exist and why the world would be better if everyone was Atheist (without actually mentioning Athe at all, as this would be blasphemous).

    Owing to their reluctance to explicity mention any form of deity when discussing their faith, it is perceived by many that Atheism is in fact the belief that there is no God. This is not the case - Atheists merely believe that humanity is too weak, pathetic and insignificant to be worthy of the concept of their all-powerful god Athe and mere thoughts of him will lead one to a path of eternal damnation.

    Many Atheists adopt the Devil's Advocate approach to dealing with questions about their faith, choosing to play to this misconception to avoid unpleasant discussions about the sad and frail nature of humanity compared to the almighty Athe. Although it leads to glaring errors in the public perception of Atheism, it is regarded as a more pragmatic approach.


    http://www.uncyclopedia.org/uncyclopedia/index.php?title=Atheism
  7. Standard memberColetti
    W.P. Extraordinaire
    State of Franklin
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    13 Apr '05 18:191 edit
    cut-n-paste.


    (copy-n-paste - I stand corrected)
  8. Copenhagen
    Joined
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    13 Apr '05 18:28
    Originally posted by Coletti
    cut-n-paste.
    Actually it's copy-n-paste 😉
  9. Standard memberPhlabibit
    Mystic Meg
    tinyurl.com/3sbbwd4
    Joined
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    13 Apr '05 20:44
    Copied, pasted, and referenced! If you’re gonna cut-n-paste, it’s the only way to do it.

    Cut-n-paste sounds better, but I guess it would suck for web designers if people kept cutting their text from their web page!

    😠

    ES
  10. Subscriberinvigorate
    Only 1 F in Uckfield
    Buxted UK
    Joined
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    211421
    13 Apr '05 22:06
    God, although one single entity, is actually three different things at the same time. God is comprised of The Father (Daddy), The Holy Ghost (Mommy), and The Son, Jesus (Dennis the Menace).
    I've always imagined the Holy Ghost was a large white sheet covered in moth holes!

    Love is an emotion and a hormone simple as that.

    Atheism, is just looking at the world without all your your imaginary friends. A world where you decide what you should do rather than following some ancient bloke's view on the world.

    satan and god and both figures of your brainwashed imaginations

    Much love to you you all
    D
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