Design-A-God, get in on the ground level.

The Committee For Spiritual Studies & Religious Stuff has commissioned me to design a New God that represents society's ideals, hopes and dreams.

As you can imagine, this is a daunting task. As a result, we are immediately hiring for the following management positions:
- VICE PRESIDENT OF FINANCE & FLEECING
- CHIEF FINACIAL OFFICER & MONEY LAUNDERER
- DIRECTOR OF BIBLICAL SOUNDING NAMES & STUFF
- GENERAL MANAGER OF MIRACULOUS & SAINTLY DEEDS
- HOLY TEXTUAL EDITOR IN CHIEF
- MANAGER OF APOSTLES & PROPHETS
- CHIEF APOSTLE
- DIRECTOR OF PROVERB AND PSALM ACQUISITIONS
- DIRECTOR OF DIETY DESIGN
- DEPARTMENTAL MANAGER OF ANGELS, VISTIATIONS, SPIRITS & WISE MEN.
- CHIEF CIVIL ENGINEER IN CHARGE OF CHURCH CONSTRUCTION
- PUBLIC RELATIONS DIRECTOR & SPIN CONTROLLER
- GRAND INQUISITOR OF HERETICS

All positions are salary plus commission and a company vehicle will be provided. Full medical, dental and faith healing will be provided. A company matched 401K is also offered. Previous experience would be benefical, but, not required. Good communication skills are vital.

Please state which position you are applying for and list some of your experience and qualifications. You will be contacted further should you be selected as a candidate.

Regards,

Hand of Hecate
CEO & RIGHT HAND OF THE NEW GOD.

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
The Committee For Spiritual Studies & Religious Stuff has commissioned me to design a New God that represents society's ideals, hopes and dreams.

As you can imagine, this is a daunting task. As a result, we are immediately hiring for the following management positions:
- VICE PRESIDENT OF FINANCE & FLEECING
- CHIEF FINACIAL OFFICER & MONEY LAUND ...[text shortened]... you be selected as a candidate.

Regards,

Hand of Hecate
CEO & RIGHT HAND OF THE NEW GOD.

Allow me to introduce myself to the Committee. My name is Dr. Scribbles, and I am eager to get in on the ground floor of this new organization.

Let me briefly summarize some of my skills that would be beneficial to the organization's efforts. Please keep them in mind when considering me as a candidate for the position of Grand Inquisitor of Heretics

- I am no stranger to heresy. Two years ago, I was banished from this very site due to my acts of heresy against Russ, the Old God.

- During that time in my life, I cultivated my skills in social manipulation. Subsequent to my banishment, I created a competing site for forum warfare, attracting nearly 100 users from the Old Kingdom to join my cause in challenging the wrong ways of the Old God.

- As the reigning Champion of Debates since the Great Debate of 2005, where I bested none other than RWillis, the Leader of the Godless, I feel that I have demonstrated my powers of persuasion over the masses.

- I am an all around heartless and cruel [butthole], and I have no qualms about putting the screws to anybody holding incorrect beliefs. Please feel free to contact any of the following references regarding this aspect of my character: ivanhoe, lucifershammer, and Conrau K. Unfortunately, I am no longer in contact with other good references such as princecaspian and Coletti.

Thank you for your consideration. It is my great hope that I will be appointed to browbeat disbelievers and eliminate heresy in the name of the New God.

Sincerely,
Dr. Scribbles

Originally posted by DoctorScribbles
Allow me to introduce myself to the Committee. My name is Dr. Scribbles, and I am eager to get in on the ground floor of this new organization.

Let me briefly summarize some of my skills that would be benefecial to the organization's efforts. Please keep them in mind when considering me as a candidate for the position of Grand Inquisitor of Here ...[text shortened]... beat disbelievers and eliminate heresy in the name of the New God.

Sincerely,
Dr. Scribbles

It should be pointed out that you defeated me in a topic not pertaining to 'godlessness.' As the debate is not relevant to the post being applied for, I motion that this item be stricken from your resume.

Originally posted by rwingett
It should be pointed out that you defeated me in a topic not pertaining to 'godlessness.' As the debate is not relevant to the post being applied for, I motion that this item be stricken from your resume.

If you're not applying for the HOLY TEXTUAL EDITOR, go get stuffed.

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
The Committee For Spiritual Studies & Religious Stuff has commissioned me to design a New God that represents society's ideals, hopes and dreams.

As you can imagine, this is a daunting task. As a result, we are immediately hiring for the following management positions:
- VICE PRESIDENT OF FINANCE & FLEECING
- CHIEF FINACIAL OFFICER & MONEY LAUND ...[text shortened]... you be selected as a candidate.

Regards,

Hand of Hecate
CEO & RIGHT HAND OF THE NEW GOD.

I'd like to apply for DIRECTOR OF DIETY DESIGN. First of all, I am fairly chubby, and therefore must be an expert on diets. Secondly, I can spell deity better than you can. Thirdly, I like to smite lesser beings. I have a talent for it. When I was a kid I incinerated them with magnifying glasses, hurled godly napalm at them via a lighter applied to plastic army men, sent them into duels to the death with spiders in the spiders' funnel web arenas (earwigs AKA "Pincher Bugs" were some of the best fighters in these arenas), and the like.

VOTE FOR ATY!!!

I would like to apply for manager of Apostles and Prophets. My qualifications? I have only two. I speak the truth and I am persecuted all the time.

Originally posted by kirksey957
I would like to apply for manager of Apostles and Prophets. My qualifications? I have only two. I speak the truth and I am persecuted all the time.

You've got the job, but, you must provide your own cross and and nails that you need. There will be some travel and plenty of letter writing required to keep everyone in line.

Originally posted by Hand of Hecate
The Committee For Spiritual Studies & Religious Stuff has commissioned me to design a New God that represents society's ideals, hopes and dreams.

As you can imagine, this is a daunting task. As a result, we are immediately hiring for the following management positions:
- VICE PRESIDENT OF FINANCE & FLEECING
- CHIEF FINACIAL OFFICER & MONEY LAUND ...[text shortened]... you be selected as a candidate.

Regards,

Hand of Hecate
CEO & RIGHT HAND OF THE NEW GOD.

- CHIEF FINACIAL OFFICER & MONEY LAUNDERER
- DIRECTOR OF DIETY DESIGN
- DEPARTMENTAL MANAGER OF ANGELS, VISTIATIONS, SPIRITS & WISE MEN.
A company matched 401K is also offered.

I guess you can put me down for the position of
- HOLY TEXTUAL EDITOR IN CHIEF
because who ever is currently editing is likely soon to be fired for drinking on the job.

Sighed,
FreekyKDH

Originally posted by kirksey957
I would like to apply for manager of Apostles and Prophets. My qualifications? I have only two. I speak the truth and I am persecuted all the time.

"I speak the truth" says the "black" man.

Who's doing the marketing?

It's going to be a difficult road, while it's easy to improve on the "Abs of steel in 8 minutes a day" regime, by knocking a a few seconds off and selling it as "Abs of steel in 7 minutes 30 seconds a day" you'd win over the punters.

But how do you improve on the carrot (eternity floating in the clouds) and stick (eternity standing balls deep in flames) approach of a current bemusingly popular religion. How can you add any extra time to an eternity?

Originally posted by Wajoma
Who's doing the marketing?

It's going to be a difficult road, while it's easy to improve on the "Abs of steel in 8 minutes a day" regime, by knocking a a few seconds off and selling it as "Abs of steel in 7 minutes 30 seconds a day" you'd win over the punters.

But how do you improve on the carrot (eternity floating in the clouds) and stick (eternity s ...[text shortened]... f a current bemusingly popular religion. How can you add any extra time to an eternity?

You say that you go to Heaven for things like hot sex, recreational drug use, shopping etc and that you go to Hell for cutting off your nuts and stuff like that. Don't change the rewards, change how easy it is to get the rewards. It's the same as the abs example; the reward is the same, but saying your product gives the same reward with less effort is good marketing.

Originally posted by Wajoma
Who's doing the marketing?

It's going to be a difficult road, while it's easy to improve on the "Abs of steel in 8 minutes a day" regime, by knocking a a few seconds off and selling it as "Abs of steel in 7 minutes 30 seconds a day" you'd win over the punters.

But how do you improve on the carrot (eternity floating in the clouds) and stick (eternity s ...[text shortened]... f a current bemusingly popular religion. How can you add any extra time to an eternity?

The MANAGER OF APSOTLES AND PROPHETS is the titular head of Marketing.

There will be no distinction between heaven and hell, those in 'heaven' will be good looking, wealthy and get laid constantly. Those in 'hell' will be drug addict scum bags with full body herpes.

Originally posted by AThousandYoung
You say that you go to Heaven for things like hot sex, recreational drug use, shopping etc and that you go to Hell for cutting off your nuts and stuff like that. Don't change the rewards, change how easy it is to get the rewards. It's the same as the abs example; the reward is the same, but saying your product gives the same reward with less effort is good marketing.

Pastafarianism (church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) has a beer volcano and a stripper factory in their heaven.