In an effort to simplify, modernized and sex up the bible, a new edition has been commissioned.
Our primary focus will be on shortening the bible and cutting out all the fluff. For example, the story of Noah's Ark will be shortened to:
"The people of the world misbehaved with plenty of sex, drugs and rock n'roll. God warned them and told them to knock it off or there would be trouble. With the exception of Noah and his family, nobody listened to God. God told Noah to build build himself a boat, gather up his ass and all the other animals and prepare to get jiggy with it. God flooded the Earth and saved only Noah. After 40 days things settled down and, with the exception of the Unicorns that fell prey to an impromptu barbeque, everybody lived happily ever after."
If you'd like to make a contribution, please post your simplified versions of the bible.
Dear J. Smith,
The following is a fictional story portraying a possible supernatural cause for everything; it is my opinion of what may well have happened, but probably didn't.
"God has a sense of humour. just look at the platypus." (Dogma)
I would be glad to help write a new Bible. although i must think thoroughly if it is or not a soul damning blasphemy.
i am leaning towards not, but i may put to much credit on God's sense of humour. i mean there is only so much an eternal being could endure from us puny mortals
Originally posted by Hand of Hecate In an effort to simplify, modernized and sex up the bible, a new edition has been commissioned.
Our primary focus will be on shortening the bible and cutting out all the fluff. For example, the story of Noah's Ark will be shortened to:
"The people of the world misbehaved with plenty of sex, drugs and rock n'roll. God warned them and told them to ...[text shortened]...
If you'd like to make a contribution, please post your simplified versions of the bible.
We need to put a disclaimer in the first page, you know something like "All characters and events portrayed are purely fictional; any similarity to people or events, living or dead (or in between) are purely co-incidental". Just like the missing first page of the current bible.
Originally posted by scottishinnz We need to put a disclaimer in the first page, you know something like "All characters and events portrayed are purely fictional; any similarity to people or events, living or dead (or in between) are purely co-incidental". Just like the missing first page of the current bible.
We also need a disclaimer that says: No Midianites were slaughtered in the making of this book. Or: No one was drowned in the making of this book.
Originally posted by rwingett We also need a disclaimer that says: No Midianites were slaughtered in the making of this book. Or: No one was drowned in the making of this book.
Or: This book has been approved by rwingett, so stuff any of the sensibilities the rest of youse may have, and align thou-self with him.
As the original Bible was not deliberately written as such, especially the new testament, I fail to see how a new edition could be written that way. What we need to do is form a council of self-important people--most everyone here would qualify for inclusion. We can call it the Coucil of RHP. The Council will then gather together every piece of writing that even mentions God (or if this is to be a Christian Bible, then everything that mentions Christ). Then, before going through the piles of documents before them, the Council needs to establish exactly what they want the Bible II to say. Finally they would systematically sift through the literature and pick out pieces that conform to this preset ideal and dogma. The jetsam left over will be burned in a giant bonfire and damned as heresy. Bind all the choice items together and voila! Bible II.
Originally posted by FreakyKBH Or: This book has been approved by rwingett, so stuff any of the sensibilities the rest of youse may have, and align thou-self with him.
Originally posted by FreakyKBH Or: This book has been approved by rwingett, so stuff any of the sensibilities the rest of youse may have, and align thou-self with him.
And: no animals or Freakys were harmed during the making of this book.
Originally posted by Siskin If you want a shorter, sexed-up version of the Bible try this
http://www.thebricktestament.com
I thought "Four Massacres and a Wedding" was very uplifting; there's nothing like mass slaughter with some incest thrown in to make us appreciate the grandeur of Almighty God's plan. I just hope that they don't put that twit Hugh Grant in the movie version.
Originally posted by Hand of Hecate In an effort to simplify, modernized and sex up the bible, a new edition has been commissioned.
Our primary focus will be on shortening the bible and cutting out all the fluff. For example, the story of Noah's Ark will be shortened to:
"The people of the world misbehaved with plenty of sex, drugs and rock n'roll. God warned them and told them to ...[text shortened]...
If you'd like to make a contribution, please post your simplified versions of the bible.
After all the stories has been shortened,modernized, simplified and sexed up, what are you gonna do with it?
I believe God does have a sense of humour, but this is lame.
Help Write The New Bible.
22 Sep '06 15:42
Back to Top