Hilarious :D

In a spirit of fun, here are 21 sentences that actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services. I hope you get a laugh too!

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

5. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

6. Miss Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

7. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

9. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

10. Irving and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

11. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

12. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

13. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

14. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

15. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

16. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

17. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

18. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

20. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

21. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge- now - Up Yours."

The Good Samaritan



A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you
give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man
and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please,"

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Originally posted by checkbaiter
The Good Samaritan



A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags hims ...[text shortened]... e the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

Originally posted by marinakatomb
In a spirit of fun, here are 21 sentences that actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services. I hope you get a laugh too!

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummag ...[text shortened]... ed the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge- now - Up Yours."

Originally posted by AThousandYoung
These are really funny 🙂

I was roaring with laughter....maybe I should read some of those mass joke spam email things in the future instead of deleting. Thanks for making my day!

KIDS IN CHURCH


A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary
.''***********

3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Windmill went around to Checkbaiters home as a fan was being haunted by an evil spirit."Don't be scared Checkbaiter,I've seen this before and it only turns on it's own if someone tells a lie".Checkbaiter stopped and thought for a minute and then spoke..."I am the most intelligent person at Red Hot Pawn."Brrrrrreeerrrrr!!! The fan turned all on it's own.Arrrrrrr!!!Take that thing out of my house Windmill.I love being married to my wife.""No problem"replied Windmill with a smile.

A few weeks had passed when Windmill was spotted by Checkbaiter in the bank counting a whole lot of money."How did you make all that money"asked Checkbaiter."Easy"replied Windmill"I hooked up a generator to your fan and put it on a table in parliment.It powers the whole city.""Don't the people in parliment mind"asked Checkbaiter."No.Not at all.Who minds a cool breeze on a hot summers day.?"

Originally posted by windmill
Windmill went around to Checkbaiters home as a fan was being haunted by an evil spirit."Don't be scared Checkbaiter,I've seen this before and it only turns on it's own if someone tells a lie".Checkbaiter stopped and thought for a minute and then spoke..."I am the most intelligent person at Red Hot Pawn."Brrrrrreeerrrrr!!! The fan turned all on it's ...[text shortened]... rliment mind"asked Checkbaiter."No.Not at all.Who minds a cool breeze on a hot summers day.?"

Originally posted by windmill
Windmill went around to Checkbaiters home as a fan was being haunted by an evil spirit."Don't be scared Checkbaiter,I've seen this before and it only turns on it's own if someone tells a lie".Checkbaiter stopped and thought for a minute and then spoke..."I am the most intelligent person at Red Hot Pawn."Brrrrrreeerrrrr!!! The fan turned all on it's ...[text shortened]... rliment mind"asked Checkbaiter."No.Not at all.Who minds a cool breeze on a hot summers day.?"

Originally posted by checkbaiter
???
Sorry windmill...I just don't get it.

and BTW...I'm probably the dumbest person on RHP....🙂

Hmmmmmm...maybe that's why I don't get it...:'(

Originally posted by marinakatomb
In a spirit of fun, here are 21 sentences that actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services. I hope you get a laugh too!

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

3. Ladies, don't forget the rummag ...[text shortened]... ed the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge- now - Up Yours."

At church today we had a visit from an Iraqi Xtion Pastor.
To set us at ease, given the problems over there, He said...

"The reason you don't see Walmart over there is because there is a "Target" at every corner.

Here's one especially for Angie: A while ago, there were two headlines on a news site (I think it was Yahoo) right next to each other, saying

Ratzinger neuer Papst
Teufel tritt zurück

(maybe not these exact words, but something very similar)

English translation:
Ratzinger new Pope
Devil resigns

😉

While "Teufel" means "devil", it's also the name of a German politician (the devil sits in the Christian Democratic Union 😉 ).

Two sausages were in a frying pan.One jumped up and said"it's getting hot in here."