1. Standard memberwoodypusher
    misanthrope
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    14 Sep '13 07:011 edit
    from a FB friend's page 😀 :

    Knock Knock...

    Who's there?

    It's me, Jesus. Let me in...

    Why?

    I have to save you...

    From what?

    From what I'm going to do to you if you don't let me in.
  2. Standard memberRemoved
    Joined
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    14 Sep '13 15:14
    More accurate version...

    Knock Knock...

    Who's there?

    It's me, Jesus. Let me in...

    Why?

    I have to save you...

    From what?

    From what you will allow Satan to do to you.
  3. Standard memberwoodypusher
    misanthrope
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    14 Sep '13 16:012 edits
    Originally posted by checkbaiter
    More accurate version...

    Knock Knock...

    Who's there?

    It's me, Jesus. Let me in...

    Why?

    I have to save you...

    From what?

    From what you will allow Satan to do to you.
    You forgot the rest:

    What will Satan do to me?

    You'll find out when I send you there when you don't let me in.
    Heed my threats. Worship me and accept me as your saviour or I'll burn you in hell forever. It's your choice.

    But...why would you do that to me?

    Because I love you.
  4. Joined
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    14 Sep '13 17:53
    "Allright, I'll let you in. Just one thing..."

    "What?"

    "Take a few steps back, please."

    "What??"

    "Take a few steps back and turn around."

    "Are you kidding me?"

    "No, I'm not. Take a few steps back so I can see you through the peephole. Then turn around so that I can see your erm... behind."

    "Why do you need to see my behind? You're not gay, are you? 'Cause if you are then this conversation's over and I'll be on my way. My dad'll kill me again if he finds out I've been talking to a gay guy"

    "No, I'm not gay. I just need to check if you don't have a tail. Maybe you're Satan pretending to be Jebus."

    "It's Jesus."

    "Whatever"

    "Listen, I'm not going to let you see me through the peephole and I'm certainly not going to show you my erm... behind. Just trust me."

    "That's exactly what Satan would say, I reckon."

    "I'm not Satan. Just open the door."

    "Show yourself."

    "No, I won't. Open the door. Let me in."

    "I don't trust this."

    "Just..."

    "I think you should leave."

    "... open the..."

    "I might call the cops."

    "I'm..."

    "Please leave, I don't think you are who you say you are."

    "STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS AND OPEN THE FVCKING DOOR! NOW! JESUS CHRIST!"

    "I'm dialing right now. Leave immediately. And seek professional help"

    ...sound of hoofs leaving the door...
  5. Standard memberRemoved
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    14 Sep '13 18:04
    Matt 7:7-9

    7 "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.
    NKJV

    Rev 3:20
    Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.
    NKJV
  6. Standard memberapathist
    looking for loot
    western colorado
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    14 Sep '13 18:43
    This thread reminds me of one of my stupid questions. How would you recognize an evil god? I can see why, given the record of the Christian God, believers don't have a meaningful answer for the question.
  7. Joined
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    14 Sep '13 19:55
    He would probably kill almost the entire earth because he's pissed off at one particular species, then think "Aw, shouldn't have done that" and gives one man the impossible task of collecting two of every species and put them on a boat. He would probably let beings come into existence without asking them if they want to, set up a set of rules by which those beings have to live but then communicate those rules in the worst possible way so that not two beings are exactly in agreement over what the rules are. Then he would punish everyone who doesn't follow those indecipherable rules by casting them into a lake of fire (although, again, there's much disagreement over how he punishes beings) while not accepting any form of responsibility. Worse, like an alcoholic blames everyone but himself for his problems, this god plays the sad victim and says that he just loves everyone, invites everyone to come to him and doesn't accept that his invitations possibly never reach most of his beings. He knows of all the sadness in the world - in fact, he's the creator of it all - but doesn't do a damn thing about it. Eventhough a mere blink of his eyes could erase any form of unhappiness. Again, any kind of sadness he would not consider his fault, but the fault of the beings he created. A child that gets cancer? Not god's fault. The child's then? Well, again, not everyone agrees. Possibly, one man a long, long time ago nibbled on the fruit of his wife, and because god had forbid that, children today must suffer cancer, aids, rape, poverty and misery. But it's not god's fault.

    Meanwhile, this god, having created these beings and then left them in a complete state of bewilderment, expects these beings to worship him. Not just love him. Worship him. He expects them to get on their knees, have all kinds of strange rituals (no agreement as to what those rituals are), praise him, thank him. Worship him.

    And you're not supposed to question anything about him.
  8. Standard memberRJHinds
    The Near Genius
    Fort Gordon
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    14 Sep '13 21:39
    Originally posted by woodypusher
    You forgot the rest:

    What will Satan do to me?

    You'll find out when I send you there when you don't let me in.
    Heed my threats. Worship me and accept me as your saviour or I'll burn you in hell forever. It's your choice.

    But...why would you do that to me?

    Because I love you.
    Did your Mommy ever tell you she spanked you becasue she loved you? I have this feeling that she forgot to mention that important point.

    The Instructor
  9. Standard memberwolfgang59
    Infidel
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    15 Sep '13 03:42
    Originally posted by RJHinds
    Did your Mommy ever tell you she spanked you becasue she loved you? I have this feeling that she forgot to mention that important point.

    The Instructor
    Spanking should be between consenting adults and not done to children.


    😠
  10. Standard memberRJHinds
    The Near Genius
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    15 Sep '13 03:55
    Originally posted by wolfgang59
    Spanking should be between consenting adults and not done to children.


    😠
    I believe spanking should only be done to misbehaving children by loving parents.

    The Instructor
  11. Standard memberwolfgang59
    Infidel
    Dunedin
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    15 Sep '13 07:42
    Originally posted by RJHinds
    I believe spanking should only be done to misbehaving children by loving parents.

    The Instructor
    And the more they misbehave and the more the parents love them the harder the spanking?
  12. Joined
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    15 Sep '13 07:491 edit
    The T800 returned to the dining room scanning the finely prepared evening meal and surveyed the body slumped head down in the broccoli and Stilton soup...

    another knock on door...

    The T800 tucks the AMT Hardballer longslide into its waitsband and the grabs the 9mm Uzi and the newly acquired phased plasma rifle, yes the one in the 40 watt range; it struts Frankensteinien like to the front door and swings it open...

    "Sarah Conner?"

    "...err no, my name is Robbie and this is my brother G-man; we are Jehovah's Witnesses and we have come to tell you the good news about the 144,000"

    "why?"

    "Jehovah wants us to ask you if you are aware that the world is going to end?"

    "Affirmative"

    "Oh how did you know this?"

    "I have detailed files"

    "All files except for our version of the files are false because they have been corrupted by Satan"

    "Negative, the man most responsible is called Miles Dyson"

    "How can a single human be responsible when we know there are many anti-Jehovah's? Jehovah is the saviour of the human race"

    "Negative, John Connor is the only hope for humanity and must be terminated"

    "Well, although it does seem harsh to some if John is not a member of the Jehovah's Witness corporation Jehovah will destroy him through his power"

    "What model number is Jehovah?"

    "Jehovah is number 1 but our corporation are the only true representatives of him here on earth"

    "Skynet is number 1, membership is not optional"

    "Exactly, but Kingdom Hall is where we all gather, it is a representation of human life after death"

    "Take me to Kingdom Hall"

    "Certainly but first here is a booklet we would like you to read it has a picture of a magical garden with a lion and a sheep"

    "Is Sarah Conner in the garden"

    "Yes if she joins the corporation she will be there"

    "Give me your clothes, your magazines and your vehicle... "
  13. Standard memberwoodypusher
    misanthrope
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    15 Sep '13 10:082 edits
    Originally posted by RJHinds
    Did your Mommy ever tell you she spanked you becasue she loved you? I have this feeling that she forgot to mention that important point.

    The Instructor
    Really? You're comparing a spanking to burning in hell forever?

    Why don't you prove how much your really love your children by setting them on fire if they don't worship you.

    Why didn't your "Mommy" set you on fire? Didn't love you enough?

    What a dolt.

    😕
  14. Standard memberSwissGambit
    Caninus Interruptus
    2014.05.01
    Joined
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    16 Sep '13 03:21
    Knock, Knock
    *cough* *cough*
    Open up; it's Jesus. The building has been flooded with gas because judgment is at hand.
    *ack* *gasp*
    But if you let me in, I can save you.
    ......
    *Shrug* Well, I'd hate to violate your free will. Torch it, Dad!
  15. Standard memberRJHinds
    The Near Genius
    Fort Gordon
    Joined
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    12693
    16 Sep '13 05:30
    Originally posted by woodypusher
    Really? You're comparing a spanking to burning in hell forever?

    Why don't you prove how much your really love your children by setting them on fire if they don't worship you.

    Why didn't your "Mommy" set you on fire? Didn't love you enough?

    What a dolt.

    😕
    You either do not understand or pretending. You should realize spanking children is mainly used to correct behavior, so that children will grow up to conform to society and be good citizens. Spanking is meant to get their attention so they don't do things that will harm themselves or others and to teach them to get along with others. A mother that does not correct her children is spoiling them and not showing real love or forethought as to their future welfare.

    If this kind of disciple is not done when necessary to children, then it becomes even harder to use rules and reason and logic alone to get them to conform to society when they become older.

    I am not comparing spanking to burning in hell forever. Getting a lifetime sentence to prison on death row or in solitary confinement is more like burning in hell forever. Spanking is used as an early attention getting attempt to prevent such outcomes. Then later, rules to obey plus logic and reasoning will be able to supersede spanking.

    The Instructor
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