1. Joined
    02 Jan '06
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    10087
    04 Mar '11 02:29
    During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one mornings executions began with three man: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

    The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the gullotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He will save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped. A crack just a few inches above the would be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

    "It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

    Next, in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord! Again, the blade flew downward then a thump!! Crack!!.....stopping just short of its mark once more.

    "Another miracle!!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, and let him go as well.

    Now it was the skeptics turn. "What final words have you to say?" he asked. But the skeptic did not hear. Staring intently at the ominus engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

    "Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing, "You have got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!!" 😛
  2. Cape Town
    Joined
    14 Apr '05
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    52945
    04 Mar '11 04:53
    A nice joke showing that in rare (and in this case highly imaginary) circumstances, it is beneficial to be ignorant, be a liar, or be deluded. (and in this case, take advantage of others' irrational delusions).
    The rest of the time, the joke is on the irrational theist.
  3. Joined
    29 Dec '08
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    6788
    04 Mar '11 05:28
    Originally posted by whodey
    During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one mornings executions began with three man: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

    The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the gullotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He will save ...[text shortened]... d pointing, "You have got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!!" 😛
    The executioner said, "So you think it's not a miracle? Work on it. We'll test it on the rabbi and the priest. If you are right, you're hired."
  4. Joined
    04 Feb '05
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    29132
    04 Mar '11 11:29
    Originally posted by twhitehead
    A nice joke showing that in rare (and in this case highly imaginary) circumstances, it is beneficial to be ignorant, be a liar, or be deluded. (and in this case, take advantage of others' irrational delusions).
    The rest of the time, the joke is on the irrational theist.
    what if the punchline never gets delivered? is faith still a joke then?
  5. Wat?
    Joined
    16 Aug '05
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    76863
    04 Mar '11 12:31
    The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

    "It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.

    After hanging up the Rabbi says, "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course, refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.

    He checks the counter on the phone and says, "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira" ($56). The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over the payment.

    A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In The the Chief Rabbi's chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it is also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.

    After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. Of course, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter.Shekel 50" ($0.42).

    The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?"

    The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."
  6. Wat?
    Joined
    16 Aug '05
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    76863
    04 Mar '11 12:32
    During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

    2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.

    A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format.
    The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities.

    The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
  7. Joined
    14 May '03
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    89724
    04 Mar '11 12:33
    Originally posted by mikelom
    The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.

    "It's my direct line to the Lord." The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected ...[text shortened]...
    The Pope looks surprised, "Why so cheap?"

    The Rabbi smiles, "Local call."
    LMAO
  8. Wat?
    Joined
    16 Aug '05
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    76863
    04 Mar '11 12:34
    A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

    Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair colour. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

    She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

    She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

    God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."
  9. Wat?
    Joined
    16 Aug '05
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    76863
    04 Mar '11 12:37
    Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

    The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

    The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

    The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

    She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
  10. Joined
    24 Apr '09
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    3987
    04 Mar '11 14:45
    Two men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate. He asks the first man” who were you”. He answers “I was a pope”. St. Peter asks the second man “who were you “. He answers “ I was a Lawyer” St. Peter signals to follow him down the hall to a room. As they enter the room he states “ this will be the pope’s room”. The room has a small bed, table , pens and paper, a couple of books and a small picture window. He wishes the pope a good afterlife. He signals the lawyer and they proceed down the hall to another room and he tells the lawyer this will be his room. Inside there is a large canopy bed, not just pen and popes but the latest computer, large library of books and a large picture window. He wishes the lawyer a good afterlife. The lawyer surprised at so large a room asks St. Peter “You gave a small room to a pope why do you give this large room to lawyer”. St. Peter answers “we have many popes here but you are the first lawyer”!
  11. Territories Unknown
    Joined
    05 Dec '05
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    20408
    04 Mar '11 15:34
    Originally posted by twhitehead
    A nice joke showing that in rare (and in this case highly imaginary) circumstances, it is beneficial to be ignorant, be a liar, or be deluded. (and in this case, take advantage of others' irrational delusions).
    The rest of the time, the joke is on the irrational theist.
    You should change your name to "twithead," you're so friggin' dense sometimes.
  12. Cape Town
    Joined
    14 Apr '05
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    52945
    04 Mar '11 16:12
    Originally posted by FreakyKBH
    You should change your name to "twithead," you're so friggin' dense sometimes.
    I have no problem being called 'dense' if you are willing to explain why you think that. If you don't then I have to take it that you actually think I was making sense, but rather than admit that, you must insult me.
  13. Wat?
    Joined
    16 Aug '05
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    76863
    04 Mar '11 17:27
    Originally posted by twhitehead
    I have no problem being called 'dense'
    As the Lord God Dasa would ask, "Are you frozen, like a snowflake?"

    Do you still endear intelligence, in that state?

    Coz, by be to Jezuz man, I need to sures knowz the answerz man.

    -Superintendent St Peter. 😉
  14. Joined
    16 Feb '08
    Moves
    86336
    04 Mar '11 19:181 edit
    Originally posted by twhitehead
    I have no problem being called 'dense' if you are willing to explain why you think that. If you don't then I have to take it that you actually think I was making sense, but rather than admit that, you must insult me.
    Are you an SAP engineer or something?
  15. Joined
    16 Feb '08
    Moves
    86336
    04 Mar '11 19:19
    Originally posted by divegeester
    Are you an SAP engineer or something?
    SAP = Satans Answer to Progess

    for those who really KNOW!
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