Religious jokes

A girl was attending a science class as her teacher was lecturing about whales and their eating habits. The teacher described how much whales eat in a day and continued by saying that whales can only eat small sized portions at a time. In fact, the teacher said, "Whales could not even swallow a human being whole." Disturbed by these revelations the little girl raised her hand in objection by saying, "This must not be true because the Bible says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Umoved in her position, the teacher then smirked at the girl and reitorated once more that scientifically a whale in no way could swallow a human being whole. The girl then told the teacher that when she gets to heaven she fully expects to ask Johah all about it. The teacher then smirked at the girl once more and laughingly asked her why she thought Jonah went to heaven and not hell? The girl then smiled at the teacher and said, "IF thats the case then you can ask him".

Scientology.

Originally posted by LemonJello
Scientology.

Que cattivo, Jello di Limone!

Originally posted by LemonJello
Scientology.

Oh, geez, the protesters were out again today! They had on the masks and signs against scientology, in front of a coffee shop. Last time they were in front of some other random business. I think the whole thing is bizarre. Whether it's a cult or religion or aberration or very odd hobby, what's the point of picking a random city spot and protesting it? Some scientologist is going do drive by and suddenly think "Oh, my! I must change my life immediately because these people with signs must be telling the truth. Dear me!"??

I forgot who said this, but I found it profound:

Jonah being swallowed whole by a whale was an amazing thing indeed, but it would have been more of a miracle if Jonah had swallowed the whale!

Originally posted by gaychessplayer
I forgot who said this, but I found it profound:

Jonah being swallowed whole by a whale was an amazing thing indeed, but it would have been more of a miracle if Jonah had swallowed the whale!

Jonah being swallowed by a whale was never the miracle. People in those days thought that whales swallowed people on a regular basis.
The miracle was Jonah getting out of the whale.

Of course it is unlikely that there was a witness to either event so we must take the 'inspired writers' word for it.

Originally posted by twhitehead
Jonah being swallowed by a whale was never the miracle. People in those days thought that whales swallowed people on a regular basis.
The miracle was Jonah getting out of the whale.

Of course it is unlikely that there was a witness to either event so we must take the 'inspired writers' word for it.

You do not think that Jonah witnessed the event?

Originally posted by Conrau K
You do not think that Jonah witnessed the event?

I wouldn't take his word for it. Would you take the word of someone who claimed to have been swallowed by a whale and spat back out?

Originally posted by twhitehead
I wouldn't take his word for it. Would you take the word of someone who claimed to have been swallowed by a whale and spat back out?

The inspired writers evidently did. Perhaps they heard from Jonah himself.

Originally posted by Conrau K
The inspired writers evidently did. Perhaps they heard from Jonah himself.

well we don't argue how the inspired writers reached their conclusion. we must debate why. if someone comes to you and tells you god spoke to them and gave them a new religion(the mormon prophet for example) would you believe them without proof?

christians for example already believe jesus made all those miracles and that is a big enough leap of faith. we believe him to be the son of god and so we let the events that are not very well proven slide. but it is asking a lot from me to believe jonah's story or noah's story when i know both are contradicted by science. and it might also be sinful. god may ask us to believe his son, but how can he asks us to believe every nut that claims to speak for him?

i say when it comes to religion, ask anyone who is not jesus for Id's. I wanna know for sure who his boss is before i believe his prophecies.

Originally posted by Zahlanzi
well we don't argue how the inspired writers reached their conclusion. we must debate why. if someone comes to you and tells you god spoke to them and gave them a new religion(the mormon prophet for example) would you believe them without proof?

christians for example already believe jesus made all those miracles and that is a big enough leap of faith. ...[text shortened]... s not jesus for Id's. I wanna know for sure who his boss is before i believe his prophecies.

But twitehead said we must take their word for it.

Originally posted by Conrau K
The inspired writers evidently did. Perhaps they heard from Jonah himself.

No, they were inspired. God told them.

You don't honestly think that any of the Bible should be taken seriously simply because some writer wrote it down? Either the writers were inspired by God or we should discard most of the Bible as myth, rumors and hearsay - or take it as what it was probably meant to be by the writers (fiction, parables, poetry, history, etc etc etc. - sorry my vocabulary cant quite capture the correct categories).

Originally posted by Zahlanzi
christians for example already believe jesus made all those miracles and that is a big enough leap of faith. we believe him to be the son of god and so we let the events that are not very well proven slide. but it is asking a lot from me to believe jonah's story or noah's story when i know both are contradicted by science. and it might also be sinful. god m ...[text shortened]... is not jesus for Id's. I wanna know for sure who his boss is before i believe his prophecies.

But why let events related to Jesus slide? Its not like he wrote the gospels. Does any writing that includes the name Jesus magically get preserved as accurate? If so then how come there are inconsistencies in the gospels and even whole gospels that totally contradict the standard ones?
If you place your trust in whoever chose the popular gospels then you should surely trust them with regards to the other books they picked?

Originally posted by LemonJello
Scientology.

😀