https://www.miamiherald.com/opinion/opn-columns-blogs/carl-hiaasen/article247951070.html
"Most pizza gives you heartburn. But these slices gave us a new president"
By Carl Hiaasen, Writing for the Miami Herald
December 18, 2020 02:49 PM
The vast conspiracy to steal the election from Donald Trump, fully explained:
Where and when did it all start?
The plot was hatched in the spring of 2017 at a strip-mall pizza parlor in Nutley, New Jersey. Hillary Clinton was in charge of procuring the pomodoro recipe, but liberal billionaire George Soros made all the key decisions about the crust and toppings.
Originally, the place was a front for socialist pedophiles, but soon it became the underground command center for the radical Antifa movement, defilers of toppled Confederate war statues and the bootleg Viagra cartel controlled by Chuck Schumer and Bernie Sanders.
How were these dangerous traitors able to penetrate the polling systems of so many states?
Early on election night, free deep-dish pizzas (with a side of garlic rolls) were anonymously delivered to the top election officials of every single voting district in Georgia, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania and Arizona.
Although the mushrooms on the pizzas looked and tasted real, they were actually flavorful bio-chips engineered by Bill Gates and master chef Bobby Flay. Moments after being eaten, the chips dissolved in the gastric linings of the election officials, releasing coded commands that entered their bloodstreams and traveled directly to their brains.
What happened next?
Minutes after the pizzas were consumed, the elections supervisors in each county of those targeted states wordlessly arose from their desks, unlocked their computer centers and reprogrammed the balloting software to change thousands and thousands of Donald Trump ballots to Joe Biden votes.
What about the ones who didn’t eat any pizza?
All of them ate it. Are you kidding? It was free frigging pie.
Where did all those mail-in ballots come from?
Iran, of course. The voter names were all phony, the postmarks were forged and all the envelopes smelled like yogurt stew. They were flown in secretly on a fleet of Michael Bloomberg’s private jets.
That might explain what happened in the battleground states, but how did Biden end up 7 million votes ahead of Trump after all the ballots in the country were counted?
That’s simple. The other states used voting machines that were pre-rigged by Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and George Clooney.
But how can dead foreign dictators fix an American election?
Ha, don’t be so naïve. Who could say no to Clooney?
If the system was so flagrantly corrupted, how is it possible that the president has lost 59 separate court challenges to the election results?
Is it up to 59 now? Wow.
Yes, including several scathing decisions by conservative Republican judges.
Two words: Deep state.
Every single one of those judges who betrayed the president was either compromised, intimidated or paid off by the powerful cabal that runs the shadow government, led by operatives of the NSA, FBI, CIA and HBO Max.
But even the Supreme Court drop-kicked the president’s case. What happened to the conservative majority that Trump said would save him?
Chief Justice Roberts? Another micro-chipped pizza from Bill Gates.
Gorsuch, Alito, Thomas, and Barrett? Also closet pizza hogs.
As for Brett Kavanaugh, the rumor is he was out on a keg run.
It wasn’t only the courts that rejected the president’s efforts to nullify the election results. Attorney General Bill Barr, a fierce Trump loyalist, said the Justice Department found no evidence of widespread fraud during the voting.
OK, first — the Justice Department? Hello? Totally deep state.
Remember, these are the same turncoats that refused to lock up Hillary, no matter how many MAGA rallies chanted for them to do it.
Second, Bill Barr, with all due respect — have you seen the man lately? Two words: extra mozzarella.
But even Mitch McConnell now says it’s over, and that the vote of the Electoral College should be accepted as final.
A solid majority of Republicans still believe the election was stolen, so it’s a tragedy that Sen. McConnell, the Supreme Court, the governor of Georgia and all those wimpy judges have stabbed our heroic president in the back.
It doesn’t mean the rest of you should stop sending money, because Donald Trump will never quit fighting until the vote is overturned, and Barack Obama is in prison for masterminding the coronavirus pandemic –
Wait — what?
Remember? When he flew to Kenya to destroy his real birth certificate? On the way back he stopped at that top-secret lab in China and picked up a sack full of infected fruit bats.
You didn’t know that? Seriously?
See, this is what’s wrong with America. Too many people are totally clueless.
