A slight twist on some old Chuck Norris jokes...
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Jack Bauer played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl,…, by himself.
There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
Jack Bauer has shot more men in the face than Elton John.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
Jack Bauer knows Victoria's secret.
If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
If O.J. ever met Jack Bauer, he'd confess.
and finally...
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
