For those who don't know, Colemanballs is the name of a column in the British satirical magazine Private Eye devoted to gaffes spoken often, but not exclusively by sporting commentators (a bit like Bushisms). It takes it's name from the original master, David Coleman.
So here are a few of his to begin with:
And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago (David Coleman)
Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs (David Coleman)
And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand (David Coleman)
There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes. (David Coleman)
There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people (David Coleman)
And for those of you who watched the last programme [Fanny and Johnny Craddock], I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's' (David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day)
There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics).
More later...
Some more sporting ones:
"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)
"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem" (Howard Wilkinson)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of hem serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Cozier)
murry walker-f1 commentator-was great a them!
"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"
"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"
"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"
"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"
"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place"
"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"
"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"
"He is shedding buckets of adrenaline in that car"
"It's raining and the track is wet"
"And there’s just a few more corners for Nigel Mansell to go to win the Canadian Grand Prix...and...he's going rather slow....HE'S STOPPING HE'S STOPPING!"
"and this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car"
Murray: "What's that? There's a BODY on the track!!!"
James: "Um, I think that that is a piece of BODY-WORK, from someone's car."
Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari
James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light
Originally posted by Vargyou can only edit posts for 1 hour after you originally post them. The first was at ~10:48, the seciond at ~12:09, so if you'd written the 2nd by the time you wanted to edit the first the it must have been past the hour limit.
Hmm, strange. I want to edit the first post in this thread to say that these quotes are not actually taken from Private Eye (although I'd be surprised if they hadn't appeared there). But I can't edit the first post, only the second one.
🙂
Originally posted by belgianfreakHm, I never realised that. Thanks. 🙂
you can only edit posts for 1 hour after you originally post them. The first was at ~10:48, the seciond at ~12:09, so if you'd written the 2nd by the time you wanted to edit the first the it must have been past the hour limit.
🙂
More Murray Walker-isms:
"...and there's no damage to the car.....except to the car itself."
"The beak of Ayrton Senna's chicken is pulling ahead"
'and I interrupt myself to bring you this....'
and the catchphrase 'Unless I'm very much mistaken....I AM very much mistaken!'
"This is an interesting circuit because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well."
"Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is."
"This has been a great season for Nelson Piquet, as he is now known, and always has been"
"And the first five places are filled by five different cars."
[During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver following him] "... Mansell can see him in his earphone..."
"...the lead is now 6.9 seconds. In fact it's just under 7 seconds"
"Tambay's hopes , which were nil before, are absolutely zero now."
"You can't see a digital clock because there isn't one."
"...and Blundell is doing very well in sixth position...in fact he's lapping 2.5 seconds faster than Blundell who is in fifth position"
"And an enormous gap building before Mika Hakkinen goes through in third position...when I say enormous it's 1.5 seconds"
"Schumacher is still the fastest man on the track, not only by virtue of the fact that he leads the Australian Grand Prix, but he also holds the fastest lap"
"...and he's lost both right front tyres"
"As you can see, visually, with your eyes..."
"Andrea de Cesaris...the man who has won more Grand Prix than anyone else without actually winning one of them."
"... this is the part of the circuit where the Williams tends to be, not tends to be *is* slower than the Benetton historically, today."
Originally posted by David TebbYeah it does to me too. Still sound convoluted though.
Here are some non-sporting ones:
"..and if millions of us are wearing M&S underwear, why are they falling down?" Christine Hamilton
"Lots of people talk about fertility treatment without knowing all the ins and outs of the situation" Lord Winston
"Women are a large section of society that we would very much like to penetrate" Mark Palios
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)
"John Redwood is a young man but, let's face it, so was Margaret Thatcher in 1975."
EDWARD LEIGH MP, Radio 5 Live
Jon Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
Expert: "Er, yes." Channel 4 News
"Do Britain's drug laws need a shot in the arm?" Radio 4
"It has been the German Army's largest peacetime operation since World War 2" ITN
This fan seems to not know so much about chess:
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live
Originally posted by VargTalking about chess related ones - I watched a series about estate agents a few months ago and in the first episode, one of the agents said
[bThis fan seems to not know so much about chess:
"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money." NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live
[/b]
"Selling houses is just like a game of chess. I don't actually play chess, but I imagine it's very similar."
🙂
Originally posted by Uptihill GardnerOkay, some from Sid Waddell.
And there's only one word for that, Magic darts. Sid Widdel
For those who don't know the sport he's commentating on is darts (a curious pub "sport" involving chucking small arrows into a board to score points. The "athletes" generally have a well developed right arm (from lifting pints) and a well-developed gut from drinking the same):
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!"
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba the Hutt"
"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."
"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"
"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"
"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"
"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"
"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "give me back my banana!"
On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain!"
"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"
"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"
"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"
"He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night."
"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."
"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld."
"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any better than this."
"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips with his steak."
"That Lad could through 180 standing one legged in a hammock."
"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"
"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."
"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a chimpanzees tea party!"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed."
"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter!"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of chips....... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league/"
"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for drama."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out."
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup."
"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of inter-continental ballistic missiles."
"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."
"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."