Everything you wanted to know about chess openings but you chickenned out to ask

~~vandervelde~~

General

07 May 12

~~vandervelde~~

Joined: 10 Dec 11
Moves: 143494

07 May 12

-1

A parody – Everything you wanted to know about chess openings but you chickenned out to ask

hello, children this is lesson Number 1

free chess lesson, the opening.

[Event "free game between grandfather and a grandson"] [Site "Park in your city"] [Date "any date] [Round "xxx"] [White "Grandson"] [Black "Granddaddy"] [Result "guess"] [PlyCount "19"] 1. e4 {The goals of the opening are very simple, 1.we move our pieces 2. we connect with other people (but save our mother err Queen) 3. we make castle because we are claustrophobic - if we usually expose our .. err King, we might suffer from exhibitiniosm 4. finally and most important we try to checkmate opponent’s King but it isn’t against the law any more.} c5 {Tarasch said that this move is a severe mistake, becaues it doesn’t help developing Bishops, and shows only spite against White’s center. Sicilian defence should be refuted by now, shouldn’t it?} 2. Nf3 {Its generally better to develop the Knight before Bishop; by the eay we are planning on castling upon, aren’t we, so we develop our pieces towards the centre} d6 3. d4 {Look at this move, Pawn d4 is a bustard who deserves to be killed, it helps us develop our pieces, and we are fighting for the bloody Center! Nimzovitch would have died of pure joy now!} cxd4 4. Nxd4 {Notice that we are jalous and we keep Queen on her post.} Nf6 {Now consider this position for a moment, how will you defend the e pawn, there are four possibilities, 1.we could move a pawn, f3,  what the most patzers would do – and does and keep doing - 2. we could play Bd3 3.We could defend it with the Queen, but we don’t want to spoil children wuth their mothers undoing theirs sons’ shoelaces, so its best to keep her in her husband’s bed for the moment 4.We could play the knight to c3, this would develop a piece, the least active piece, it defends the pawn, its moves towards the centre and this Knihgt is good nad he is bored, so we play, Nc3} 5. Nc3 a6 {Najdorf! Lucky old Pole who escaped nazis and ended in Argentina, he invented Fischer’s favorite variation! This move breaks the most of the principles – as most Sicilian variations do – so dear pupils, forget this lesson, Sicilian defence is simply not good enough for beginners…} 6. Be3 {Robert Byrne burned his toung once when he drank hot hot coffee during one of the US champinships and he dropped the Bishop which he planned to put on usual field g5. It turned out to be a birth of a nasty anti-Najdorf variation} e5 {typical for radicals and hysterical people; normal people would play e6} 7. Nf3 {Nb3 is played more often but it contradicts the rule of centralizing pieces} Be7 {Now &… h6 isn’t necessary as after 6. Be2 e5 7. Nf3, because Black shouldn’t fear Bg5, since White would lose 2 tempi} 8. Bc4 {8. Qd2 is tempting, with queenside castling!} Be6 {here is an interesting moment, what should we do when we meat other chesss player?; well, we ask politely what time is it? We can’t grab the opponent too soon, or she would cry for help and for police} 9. Qe2 O-O 10. O-O {we have completed all the goals in our opening, we have developed all our pieces, connected our rooks so that they can now see each other and we have castled, e.i. we have built our family home, so now it’s time to search for a good divorce attorney} *

in conclusion, the goals are really simple and easy peasy,

1. we develop our physical abbilities (intelectual only if we can)
2. we connect with other chess playera (avoiding our relatives)
3. we get married (and divorced)

to help us

1. we support our children only up to they’re 18
2. we develop the least active part of bodies
3. we try to climbe the social hierarchy and achieve maximum activity

these things may seem simple but i can show you zillions of games where these
principles are violated to the detriment of the player who neglected them! Anyhow,
if you got anything out of this, or have any questions, no matter how trivial, let me
know, regards

But, but … there was a misterious guy in the audience, who carefylly listenede everything the lecturer had said. And he said…
“Well, errr, I think Sicilian defence is not good opening for the beginners …”
“Said who?!”
“Botvinnik.”
“Stalinistic pig, state supported grandmaster, because he had been working for Soviet government…!”

Etc.

Great Big Stees

Joined: 14 Mar 04
Moves: 179734

07 May 12

I'm a heart surgeon and I misread the word chess for chest.😠

ChessPraxis

Cowboy From Hell

American West

Joined: 19 Apr 10
Moves: 55013

07 May 12

2 edits

Originally posted by vandervelde
A parody – Everything you wanted to know about chess openings but you chickenned out to ask

[b]hello, children this is lesson Number 1

free chess lesson, the opening.

[pgn][Event "free game between grandfather and a grandson"] [Site "Park in your city"] [Date "any date] [Round "xxx"] [White "Grandson"] [Black "Granddaddy"] [Result "gues ...[text shortened]... ported grandmaster, because he had been working for Soviet government…!”

Etc.[/b]

Pretty good, but you need to be wearing a dress, use awkward unintelligible phrases, and bump up the bitchiness.

~~robbie carrobie~~

Joined: 26 Aug 07
Moves: 38239

07 May 12

4 edits

-3

Originally posted by vanderveld

free chess lesson, the opening.

[pgn][Event "free game between grandfather and a grandson"] [Site "Park in your city"] [Date "any date] [Round "xxx"] [White "Grandson"] [Black "Granddaddy"] [Result "gues pported grandmaster, because he had been working for Soviet government…!”

Etc

ah fame at last! I realise that plagiarism is the highest form of compliment that one
can pay to a great artist like myself and I thank you for it, ill be signing copies of my
latest DVD in the foyer, Confessions of chesspraxis, a guide to sandbagging revealed!
directors cut, which i dedicate to the memory of Vince and GB.

~~vandervelde~~

Joined: 10 Dec 11
Moves: 143494

07 May 12

Originally posted by ChessPraxis
Pretty good, but you 1. need to be wearing a dress,
2. use awkward unintelligible phrases, and
3. bump up the bitchiness.

1. concerning dress - I am wearing a dress, but this site doesn't support webcams:
check me here nevertheless

http://cdn.fashionista.com/uploads/2011/06/Iggy-Pop-With-A-Dior-Handbag.jpeg?9d7bd4

2. God is my witness that I did use ludicrously opaque language and the bunch of gibberish phrases, that no professor of deconstructivism would be ashamed of, but the bloody Google-translate sanitized my post

3. I vowed to be nice ... this week

~~robbie carrobie~~

Joined: 26 Aug 07
Moves: 38239

08 May 12

1 edit

-2

Originally posted by vandervelde
1. concerning dress - I am wearing a dress, but this site doesn't support webcams:
check me here nevertheless

http://cdn.fashionista.com/uploads/2011/06/Iggy-Pop-With-A-Dior-Handbag.jpeg?9d7bd4

2. God is my witness that I did use ludicrously opaque language and the bunch of gibberish phrases, that no professor of deconstructivism would be ashamed of, but the bloody Google-translate sanitized my post

3. I vowed to be nice ... this week

such conceptual art is too great for the ingrates of the general forum, here they prefer
sandwich recipes and glib one liners and to silence all great artists like Vince and GB.