This is the first installment of a series of reviews of various cities, towns and homeless shelters around the world. First on our list is Halifax, primarily because it is home to our most prolific poster (Very Rusty) and, secondly, because when your stoned, you can't say the word Halifax without laughing.
Good things about Halifax include quaint little houses(if your into that sort of thing) and enormous, block rocking, house parties. Those damn fish eating, inbred Celts can drink the hell out of some beer. It's not uncommon to find some drunken twit passed out in the quaint little garden shed that matches your house. I'm stretching to say something good about the weather. Let's see, there's fog, lot's of fog and fog horns. Sometimes, listening to foghorns is the most exciting thing you can do in Halifax. Sometimes, there's snow, lot's of snow mixed in with the swirling coastal fog. I wasn't sure if this should be a positive or negative, but, minorities are kept on the North end of the island so as to not disturb the local white ambience.
Reasons for why Halifax blows dead goats are myriad. Still, what follows is a good first pass. Have I mentioned the rain? No? Well, there's rain. Lot's of rain. Like God was looking for somewhere to try out the general concept of rain and picked Halifax. We're talking big, plonking gobs of fat rain. Fast, driving and stinging rain. You're standard drizzle and mist. An eternity of never ending, pissing rain. Oh, and let's not forget the 'invisible rain', the general damp weather cruds that get you soaked to the skin despite never actually raining in any respectable fashion. When the weather calls for sun, they really mean clouds and wind or just more rain that snuck up on them. Christ.
Well, enough about rain. Did I mention that the white folk are terribly sensitive to anything that upsets their little utopia? Not quite as obsessed as Salt Lake City Utah, but, if you're not in the "Club" you're definitely not in the club. Let's just say that Halifax is ethnically and culturally challenged.
It's cold, unreasonable, soul suckingly cold. The heat get's sucked out of your house like Halifax is built on solid ice. I've had my coffee freeze over after spending 15minutes on the back porch of a friends house. We're not talking some mildly tolerable dry cold, this is the wet, damp, super saturated cold that cuts you to the bone. Of course, the wind just makes this a treat to live in.
One of the few things that make life tolerable is the vast consumption of alcohol. If you don't have alcohol, you better have religion as it is imperative that you have something to blind yourself to the hideous women that wander about loose in the streets. Sweet jesus, the horror, the horror! Make sure you plan your alcohol consumption carefully as EVERYTHING closes at 5pm (or at 4pm the one day you decide you need to visit that particular store). Who closes bars at 7pm during the "off season"? Did you ever think that it might be the off season because you close the god damn bars at 7pm? Oh, and plan on buying food when you go out for a beer, there's some convoluted rules about when and where you can buy beer without food. This is often accompanied by some good natured preaching about God and drink and going to hell and burning and such like. You might as well stay in bed on Sunday as Halifax has NOTHING to do on Sunday. You might be able to find a chip wagon that's gotten itself lost on Sunday, but, don't count on it.
Explain this to me, in the summer, the rest of the free world has ice cream trucks or some other refreshing summer treat for sale. No, not in Halifax, Halifax just has "chip wagons". Who the hell wants hot chips in the middle of summer for god's sake. It's bad enough that summer lasts all of two months, but, surely with all that ice y'all can manage a damn snow cone right? Plus, it's not like Atlantic Canada isn't the obesity capital of the country. Chip wagons, seriously?
$10 for a beer at a beer festival? WTF is all I have to say about that ridiculousness.
This goes for Canada in general, but, is Tim Horton's some sort of cult? Do they put crack in the donuts, because they're not really all that great and the coffee's only mediocre. Does Halifax really need anything to make it's populace even fatter anyway?
Do you really need to pipe all your sewage into the harbor? I mean really, is this some tactic to feed the damn harbor lobsters or do you just like wallowing in your own poop?
Don't bother renting a car if you go to Halifax, it's just going to fall into a damn big pothole or get towed by some overly enthusiastic traffic cop nazi. Did someone hold a war in Halifax and not keep me informed, because the streets look like bombed out craters.
There's my review of Halifax. Fair and balanced I always say.
Originally posted by Hand of HecateCan you summarize this for those of us short on time?
This is the first installment of a series of reviews of various cities, towns and homeless shelters around the world. First on our list is Halifax, primarily because it is home to our most prolific poster (Very Rusty) and, secondly, because when your stoned, you can't say the word Halifax without laughing.
Good things about Halifax include quaint ...[text shortened]... review of Halifax. Fair and balanced I always say.
Originally posted by Grampy BobbyDon't worry, Boston's on my list. How could it not be with the fact that it sucks in so many extraordinary ways. There's the old standbye gripes like the convoluted and impossible to remember street layout. Find a good bar on a night out and kiss it goodbye because you'll never find the damn place again. Oh, and thanks for the unreliable transit system that more than makes up for the incredible suckage of your drivers, roads and traffic jams. I'm also forced to wonder, after many trips to Boston, how in the world do y'all manage to maintain such a consistent level of mediocrity in your restaurants. I'll probably delve into your hated Red Sox's, as, with a barely tarnished 80 year record of failure and loathing, they personify what is wrong with Boston.
Great idea for an informative and entertaining thread, Hand. Duecer (I believe) and I are both sort of hoping Boston makes your list as well. -gb
Still, there is a deeper issue that leaves a slime trail through Boston. The very root of why Boston sucks and that is, of course, the people. You people are the most arrogant, narrow-minded numpties in the known universe. Bostonians aren't necessarily rude, but, the just think their opinion is always important enough to share with everyone else. There must be some sort of training class that I'm not privy to that molds the youth of Boston into self centered, pseudo cultured, superiority minded, jack boot clad heathens.
I'll elborate further if time allows.
Originally posted by Hand of HecateSince when are you to be relied upon for travel and leisure reviews, you drunkard?
No you lazy harlot. This is GOLD and I demand that you read it.
Edit: Ok, I read it. I give it a 7 out of 10.
PS: Obviously you HAVE NOT visited Boston with a decent host and you are stupid.
Originally posted by SunburntDon't get your panties in a knot sugar. I didn't say I didn't have a good time in Boston and this isn't my complete review. You can't fault me on a preliminary draft. You tell me what I've said that isn't factual and I'll modify my draft.
Since when are you to be relied upon for travel and leisure reviews, you drunkard?
PS: Obviously you HAVE not visited Boston with a decent host and you are stupid.
Boston has alot going for it, I just can't think of anything at the moment. I'm sure it'll come to me shortly. Plus, it's not Halifax 😀
Originally posted by SunburntI should get at least a 9.5 for finding anything good to say about Halifax.
Since when are you to be relied upon for travel and leisure reviews, you drunkard?
Edit: Ok, I read it. I give it a 7 out of 10.
PS: Obviously you HAVE NOT visited Boston with a decent host and you are stupid.
