FUNNY JOKES,

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at the Office, But Aren't:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop.
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!!.
6. I want it on my desk, NOW.
5. HMMMMMMMMMM.....I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

AND #1...

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

Always give 100% at work .......

12% On Monday
23% On Tuesday
40% On Wednesday
20% On Thursday
5% On Fridays

And remember .......

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying
to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to
extend your finger and flip them off.

Now get back to work.

Employment History



My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
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I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.
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I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
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I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
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I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
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I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
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I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
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I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
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I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
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I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
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I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
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I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
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I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
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I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
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I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
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I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it.
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I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

HAHA, THIS IS A DEFINATE REC TOO

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in. "Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy

HAHA, I DING DONG LOVE THIS ONE

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 PM he sees the Big Boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand. "Do you know how to work this thing?" the older man asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it." "Yes, sir," says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the other man, and feeds it in. "Now," says his boss, "I just need the one copy

THIS IS ALSO CLASSIC AND REC WORTHY

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I gave you $1,500 minus 3%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms

Originally posted by jimrulz1518
COME ON I DESERVE RECS FOR THESE

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Vegas?"

With that, the two female students stood up and headed for the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Asking for RECS also has the opposite effect as does spamming threads.

Originally posted by jimrulz1518
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty joke, Two of the female students in the class decided to walk out on next the next joke.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of hookers in Los Veg ...[text shortened]... r the door. "Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The bus doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Originally posted by jimrulz1518
THIS IS ALSO CLASSIC AND REC WORTHY

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I gave you $1,500 minus 3%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

That sure is fishy looking Ravello, Im with you on that one.

Originally posted by Weadley
That sure is fishy looking Ravello, Im with you on that one.