Hell, I'll go first. No shame in my game.
While on our way back to California from Oklahoma, the wife and I were calmly passing through Arizona. Anyone that's taken a road trip and gone through AZ knows it's damn near all dirt. So we're driving along, she's sleep and all of a sudden, I feel a RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE. It's probably gas I thought, so I keep driving. We're still driving, wife still sleep, and I notice...the JUNGLE IS STILL RUMBLING!
Now, at this point, I'm thinking it's a really bad fart bubble that isn't ready to come out yet, so I try to make it come out....BAD MISTAKE! We're about 50 miles from the next sign of anything...bathrooms, food...all of that! Now, at this point, I'm damn near huggin' the wheel because I know it's not a fart....I GOTTA SH**!
With all the speeding I'm doing, the wife wakes up and ask me, "Baby, why are you speeding? Is someone after us"? My reply..."Uh uh...I gotta sh** real bad". So we FINALLY make it to some food places and just my luck...ALL FAST FOOD joints.
Now, the first place I go into is Taco Bell. I get out of the car, stomach on swole, azz ready to let loose and what the fukk....the bathroom is OUT OF ORDER! I'm cussing all the way to the door and I signal to my wife to drive over to Burger King because I'm not about to release my a**hole...SOMETHING was going to come out. I run across Taco Bell's parking lot to Burger King and walk in the door. As soon as I open the door, the smell alone would knock a child out. So I hold my nose and open the first stall door: WHAT...THE HELL...IS THAT IN THE STOOL? I get to second stall door....I can't use that one either. Now that at this point, I'm thinking...."Should I squat and hope nothing plops back up when I start to drop these, or just go to another place"? Fukk it....I walk out.
So I'm in the car, on the passenger side, seat leaned alllllll the way back and I tell the wife to go to this abondoned gas station. As soon as she pulls up and parks, I hop out. I pull my pants down and man oh man, I went to work. At this point, I didn't give a fukk who saw me! The way my stomach felt...they would've done the same. Now mind you, I'm still down there, looking out for cops, taking a shiit in an abandoned gas station. The wife is going crazy in the driver's seat. I'm talking about tears coming down her face...can't breathe right...and I'm still squatting...taking my wonderful shiit. Oh man, talk about scared and feeling good at the same time. Luckily, we had some baby wipes that I used to clean up with. I swear, I've never heard a person laugh as hard as my wife did....she laughed from Yuma, Arizona, alllllllllllllllllllll the way to San Diego, Ca. Hey, but I didn't care....the RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE was gone and we made it home safe.
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I have another one too. This one happened in high school.
Usually when your stomach starts to hurt, you'll know EARLY in the morning or BEFORE you get out on the bus stop. Well for me, my stomach didn't work like that.
What started out to be a normal day, or so I thought would be a normal day, was FUKKED FROM THE BEGINNING. When the bus driver came to pick us up, we all got on and we left. We didn't get a good 4 blocks from my house and my stomach started to give me trouble. So what I did, is I sat one of my legs and HOPED the pain was going to go away.
Now, we're about a 8-10 blocks at this point and I can't take it anymore. I calmly get up and I asked the bus driver...."Can you please let me off? I'm not feeling good and I need to go home". His response to me..."Just give it a minute...we'll be at school in no time".
Now, I'm standing in the middle of the aisle...and whatever's in my stomach is just punching and kicking it's way down to my a**hole. I ask him again..."Sir, I NEED to get off this bus and go home...PLEASE let me". He won't do it. At this point, the pain is so intense, I wanted to open the emergency door and just bolt across the field home. So I stood there....stomach in knots and sweating like a damn racehorse. FINALLY, we pull up to the school, and I can't wait to get off the bus.
He opens the door and I'm like Speedy Gonzales...I'm OUTTY 5 up the stairs to the 2nd floor. I had 3 books in my hand when I hit the first step, and by the time I hit the entrace to D Hall, all my of my books were behind me. I'm running like a slave to the bathroom and it's COMING OUT! I'm fiddeling with my belt and I can feel it.....it's coming! The belt came off, the pants and boxers came down, but my a** wasn't near the stool. For some reason, and that wasn't intentional, it came out....half on the floor and whatever else came out after that, went into the toilet. Now there I am, using my elbows as props because I'm not trying to put my fragile a** on the stool and I'm at an angle...it's shiiit to the right of me on the floor and I'll be damned if I get it on me! LMAO
I finish up, and by the grace of GOD , nobody walked in the bathoom. I wipe up...look at the stool and floor and it's a hot mess! I know without a doubt the janitor was mad that day! LMAO
Alright...now I've told a couple of mine. I know some of ya'll got some stories...let's hear it. Embarrassing moments, getting that a** whooped...whatever...spill it!
The Great One has spoken.