I have not had the chance to read everyone of the kind emails and
posts that went my way due to my loving wife posting..but I will read
them all and will respond to everyone I promise.
I will go ahead and set the record straight so that all know exactly why
I was not here and able to move in my games.
I have overindulged in alcohol for most of my life and continued to do
so even though I knew I had a problem. This addiction has cost me
more than I can name at this point and I really don't feel the need to
bring you the past to justify any of that. But what has just happened I
feel all of you should be made aware.
On Saturday night I drank too much and got in to an argument with
my wonderfull wife and pushed her...something I never should have
done. Needless to say I have just spent the last 6 days in jail...and
deserved every minute of it.
In that time I have become the most humble/frightened/sober person
that I have ever been. I got to see where my life would be if I did not
come to grips with my problem and do something about it.
I would be homeless, jobless, and worst of all...I would not have a
family or friends or anyone that cared for me. All because of
something very stupid.
I got to see my wife and my son today for only a few minutes due to
the court order and will not get to see them again for a long time untill
I show the system as well as my wife that I have literally had the shit
scared out of me (sorry Russ) and I will be sober untill the day I
die...and if there is beer in heaven...then send me to hell...I don't
want anymore.
I hope my wife gets to read this and sees that I am 100% going to do
everything I can to fix everything that I have been screwing up for
years...no matter the cost, sweat, blood or tears I have to endure.
Guys...I ask all of you to go ahead and time me out on the current
games...I will not have time to play for a long time and I know all of
you could use the points...although I will be back to reclaim them
sometime in the near future...although I will not let this place become
as much of an addiction as it has as well and take away the valuable
time that I need to spend with my wife and my family.
Please know that your prayers and thoughtfullness are greatly
appreciated and I do consider all of you my friends...that is why I HAD
to tell you all the truth. Becky's discretion was great...and I hope she
might feel a glimpse of pride knowing that I admit to my problem very
openly and will not lie to one of you all.
Once again Thanks
Becky...I love thee to the heigth, depth and breadth that my soul can
reach. No more lies...no more failures...holding you today although for
only a second was the greatest thing for me right now to know that I
can do what has to be done.
Dave
Dave,
As someone who has struggled through a painful addiction (and more
painful withdraw process) and experienced the many horrible
consequences, I think I have some idea of the torment you're in right
now. All I can say is that you have made the right decision: to accept
and acknowledge your mistakes and failures and to become a better
man by correcting them. I have tremendous respect for you, both as a
chess player and teacher, and now (even more so) as a person. I
hope to talk to you again soon, Dave. Jail is quite a humbling
experience, Dave, specially when you know that you deserve to be
there. I know.
My heart goes out to you, but I have faith that you'll become a
stronger person because of all of this.
Sincerely,
Rein
I'll be ready for a game whenever you are! I pray that you are able to
soon.
Thank you for your courage. Quite a 5th step. You know a little
about me and you will find others in this "tribe." Go to meetings, find
a sponsor, and just get through each day. You will meet many people
of great courage who have struggled mightily with their demons and
they will have a lot to offer you from their experience,strength and
hope. Rein, thanks for your post. Good luck, my brother. Kirk
Dave,
You have many friends here, and we are with you, Becky, and the children.
You have an extraordinary woman with you, one who obviously cherishes you for
richer or poorer, through sickness and health, for better or worse. There are
few blessings as great. Reading her posts, I see a woman with great faith in
you; perhaps draw on that to have as much faith in yourself to overcome the
demons you wish to slay. Have pride in yourself that you are so cherished.
Believe in yourself, believe in Becky, have faith you will get through this.
Do not demand too much of yourself. Sobriety for today is enough for today.
I say this poorly, and so apologize. I know some of these devils, too well.
My thoughts and prayers, for what little they are worth, are with the two of
you.
Yours,
Michael
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of
these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13.
Thank you so much Michael.
I hope you saw why I felt the need to tell everyone the truth...Lasker
once said "Lies and hypocrisy do not last long and the chessboard"
And allthough I am a pretty good BS artist...this is one lie that I can
no longer live or hide from.
Thank you all for your kind words and your support...it means more to
me than any of you can imagine.
Reminds me of a funny joke that I feel the need to share...for my
own sake and state of mind right now.
A man who used to get platered every Friday night when he got off
work and come home and lay in bed and throw up all day Saturday
had finally made his wife so angry with the constant routine that on
the next Friday she told him..
"If you go out drinking again tonight when you get home I am for
sure that you will throw up everything that is inside of you and die
right there on the bed!!"
He of course laughed at her...us alcoholics always know what is best
(BS!!!) and he went out to see how many he couldn't knock down.
When he staggered in many hours later and she assisted him upstairs
to his bed she went down stairs and filled a bowl with some pig
intestines.
The next morning when she went to check on him and he was already
laying in a pile of his own vomit she dumped the intestines and guts
in with it.
A few hours later as she was downstairs getting lunch ready she heard
a terrible scream from abover her head...and quietly laughed to
herself.
About 30 minutes later her husband shakingly came down the stairs
and was white as a ghost.
He looked at her and stated.."Darling..I never thought you would ever
be right...but you sure were...I threw up everything that was inside of
me...guts and all. But with the Good Lord's help I will never drink
again...and I thank him for this spoon so that I could get them all
back in me and live again"
Dave
Dave, That was an extraordinarily brave post. I've been recovering
from alcoholism for the past ten years, and I remember spilling my
guts to family and friends when I finally admitted I had a problem.
Knowing the strength that it takes to admit an addiction, I know you
have what it takes to beat this. Good Luck and God Bless. Paul
Dave
I wish there was more I could tell you than the little I will share here.
But what you need to do can be done. You are strong of mind and
strong of spirit and with the love of your family, faith in yourself, and
trust in the future you will be whole again. I look forward to a
triumphant return. Peace.
-ww-
One of the hardest things ahead of you is confronting the ugliness
that you've recognized in yourself. It is also there, within me; jealousy
and envy and spite and rage. These frailties are part of the human
condition. Overcoming them is an essential part of being free, and a
precondition for being able to care. I'm sure that you've played over
the scenario a thousand times, however it went, whatever it was that
led to you becoming violent. You will perhaps want to say that that
was not you, but you under-the-influence. But there is something that
the sober you contributed to the situation, some lack that manifested
as anger. This is what needs to be explored, exposed and remedied.
I know you've the resources for such exploration, and I wish you the
best.
One more thin: Maggotteer was right, try not to think of recovery as a
lifetine resolution. Try to think of recovery as a process of limited
resolutions. Not "I will never drink again", but "I will not have a drink
for the next hour, 8 hours, day, etc." Setting limited, achievable goals
will help you in preventing a relapse.
I wish you all the best, and it was good to have you back, even if just
for a bit.
Bennett