I have decided to end it all

This is the end of the world round of the prose competition that I ran on this website.

There are only three entries so there'll be no voting. I'm keeping the authors anonymous.

Due to lack of interest this will be the last prose competition.

Enjoy the final entries:

Dear Friend

There are all kinds of losers in the world. I am the worst kind. A smart funny chess player who pretty much never has sex. I mean I have had sex, but not this year. Ok not last year either.

My evenings are spent on-line, posting clever paragraphs in forums, and playing chess.

One night last month, I was playing and posting and watching the movie DOGMA. Great movie. Matt Damon is not one of the great actors of our time – but he was pretty funny in this. The best character is Jay. He is a stoner chess player – they never mention the chess, but you can tell.

He gets Linda Fiorentino to promise that she will have sex with him when the world comes to an end. Or something like that – I was kind of stoned and didn’t catch the entire conversation.

It gave me a great idea.

If the world came to an end – it would be no great loss for me. I wouldn’t have to clean my crappy apartment anymore and could stop listening to my downstairs neighbors doing it every Saturday morning to the romantic sounds of Dire Straits.

But the best part was … if the world came to an end – I could probably spend my last week sleeping with lots of good-looking woman. Especially the Goth chicks at school - man they drive me nuts.

I had a simple idea. The riots in France were the genus I think. Create a simple self-replicating wormy and include it in an email. There are engines on-line that all you have to do is select one from column A and two from column B. Add your message and send it to 50,000 of your closest friends. They will do the rest.

Dear Friend

You get emails everyday that say send this to all your friends. This email is the opposite. Do not send it to anyone.

If you read the news, you know that China and our President are quarrelling. There are problems in the straits of Taiwan. I am sending you this to let you know that it China is going to call in all of their loans to our country. This means that hundreds of billions of dollars are going to change hands “on paper” the first of December.

What this means is that all the banks are going to have to send their reserve funds back to the Federal Reserve. They will have their legal requirement of percentage of deposits – but that is just the problem – banks only keep a percentage of their deposits, not all of them.

With Christmas coming, I recommend that you take the time to make sure you withdrawal anything you may need for your shopping, $500, $1000, whatever – so you will have the cash you need when the run on the banks start around the middle of the month. Word of the cash shortage is sure to get out and you want to make sure you have presents for your kids on Christmas morning.

I am sure the situation is temporary, but I am not taking a chance and you shouldn’t either.

Like I said – I would keep this to yourself.

Your Friend,

John Galt

That was all it took.

The bank runs started within 48 hours of the first batch of emails being sent out (thank you John Hancock Insurance for letting me relay through you).

By Thanksgiving, there were lines around the block in every major city in the States. When the US stock market started plummeting, our good friends in the EU followed suit and started a run on their banks.

The real momentum started when the always-lucid President Bush made an address to the country Thanksgiving night. The next day (Bank Friday everyone called it) was the largest banking day in the history of the world. Football hooligans have nothing on suburbanites when it comes to pent up anger. The fights in line turned into isolated shootings and then the riots started.

New York City was the worst. When they finally closed the stock market – because it fell to almost nothing – it was a war. The cops gave up. The banks were all closed of course – but no one seemed to notice. Atlanta, Dallas, Paris, Budapest – it was on. There was no turning back. No army anywhere could stop the killings or the fires. There was no more money. If you wanted anything, you had to just take it and everyone did. Society was no more.

I waited. I let it fester and stayed in the apartment. There was no electricity or water of course – but I stocked up on a few things and bided my time until it was complete lunacy. The dead were piling up everywhere and then I made my move. I started looking for the Goth chicks.

Oh? You are hungry? I have some peanut butter. Come back to my place.

No place to stay? Yeah I heard about the fire, that’s too bad. I have plenty of room on my floor.

They weren’t quite so Goth anymore, since no one had time to put on makeup or wash their hair – but they were still hot. The reality of the whole world just falling to crap seemed to bring out some kind of animal instinct in them. All they wanted to do was eat and have sex. With me, with each other, with themselves. It was like a freaking movie. I’m guessing I’ve had more sex in the last 10 days than I would have had the rest of my life combined. Good thing. I am running out of food and the girls are getting a bit wiggy.

So maybe 2 or 3 more days of this, but that is fine. I hurt pretty much all over and the smell of peanut butter makes me want to puke.

It's the end of the world as I know it

BAAAAAANNNNNGGGGGGG
AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Well, that’s how I expected it to be anyways. But was I in for a big surprise!
Actually, there were many ways I thought the world would end and the majority of these ways certainly had enough banging and screaming in them. I made a short-list of the top 3 ways I expected the world to end:

An atomic war.
Big clouds of mushroom design, skin being ripped from people’s features, screaming and enough banging to make the 1970’s porn flick ‘Atomic orgasm’ seem like a Disney feature.

Meteorites.
One big massive icy chunk of hellish death hurtling down towards us and ripping the world in two. Boats literally falling off each edge of the planet and enough screaming to make the 80’s porn movie ‘Alien gang-bang II’ seem like a Steve Martin film.

And my favourite: Volcanic explosion.
Yellowstone park blows up in one massive, nearly atomic-like explosion, destroying all of the US, parts of Canada… and England, then covering the rest of the world in a 10 year long nuclear-like winter. More velocity than Steve “the volcano” Higgins in the 90’s porn flick ‘Ballistic missile from the hip’, so much so, in fact, that it would make Steve look like mini-me holding a spud-gun.

But the world wasn’t to end in any of these ways.
Nor was it to be disease. Disease would have been good. Slow and painful. There are plenty of pandemics out there just waiting to be thought up. I made a short list of the top 3 pandemics I would like to see:

Fish flu.
Fish would carry the flu around with them spreading it at beaches, where it would mingle with human flu and wipe out the population. The symptoms would start with people smelling like dead cod and finish with everybody becoming airophobic and trying to breath under water. 6 billion drownings in a space of months.

Vegetable psoriasis.
A strange vegetable carried disease which would wipe out vegetarians first and sane people next. The symptoms would start with people getting all flaky and itchy and end with them covered in scaly skin and no longer able to move. 6 billion human vegetables in a space of weeks!

And my favourite : Cyber Radiation Poisoning.
Terrorists would leak nuclear fuel and depleted uranium onto the internet and anybody using it would contract CRP. This would be a digital version of normal radiation poisoning and far more aggressive. The symptoms would start with a need for glasses, geek-like behaviour and hair loss and it would finally lead to people glowing bright green at night, attracting giant moths and being eaten alive. 6 billion human lampposts in a matter of days!

But the world wasn’t going to end in any of these ways either.
No. There would be no screaming. There would be no bangs; large, small or frequent. No diseases and no great disasters.
In fact, it was to end quite the opposite. People cheering! Folks happy! Bottles of champagne being uncorked.
For you see, there were two things I had failed to understand then, which I comprehend now:
The world does not end, just my role in it ends. My world ends. And that is the end of the world…as I know it.
And how come I pissed so many people off?

Mukwonago, Wisconsin

“Can I have the special please? The Triple cheese burger. Plain please.”
“Do you want cheese on that?”
“If I didn’t, I would ask for the triple burger plain, wouldn’t I?”
“We don’t sell that sir.”
“Why are you offering it then?”

Playing in ‘the Dominion’:
- Batman: the beginning
- The legend of Zorro
- Saw II

“We’re out of the pasta salad sir.”
“That’s a pity.”
“You could try our restaurant on the other side of the street sir.”

“Why is there no sign telling what time the bus goes?”
“There is, up at the other end of the street, at the bus stop up there.”
“Why not here?”
“This bus goes the other way.”
“But I really want to know what time this bus goes.”
“You could ask the driver…”

Sign that reads: “Next gas station 103 miles.”

“Of course I own a gun. That’s our God given right.”
“I see.”
“It’s one of the principles upon which this great country is founded!”
“Yes.”
“We don’t need a nanny state telling us what we can and cannot do. We’re all mature.”
”I understand.”
3 minutes of silence as the gun owner attempts to tie his shoe lace and finally gives up.
“Damn!”
“Having problems?”
“I have rheumatic fingers.”

“Is this a small coke?”
“Yes sir.”
“It’s a bloody litre!”
“It’s the smallest we sell sir.”

Playing in ‘Warner Bros. Studio’:
- Saw II
- Batman: the beginning
- The legend of Zorro

“It’s a quiet life up here.”
“It certainly seems peaceful enough.”
“Folk up here get on well together.”
“No fights then?”
“We just don’t have a nigger problem.”

Sign that reads: “The library is closed July/August.”

“Ha ha…what would terrorists want to be doing around here?”
“They could poison the lake.”
“I hate terrorists. They gotta be stopped!”

“I don’t like the big city son.”
“Do you go often?”
“I have to pick up the goods there.”
“Milwaukee? Madison?”
“No, I’m talkin’ about Racine.”

“The refills are free sir.”
“Why would I buy a large coke then?”

Playing in ‘Movie land’:
- The legend of Zorro
- Saw II
- Batman: The beginning

“Do you think that the end of the world has to be measured in time?”
“…uh?”
“Well, it could be measured in distance, could it not?”
“…Do you want a popcorn with that coke sir?”

Originally posted by hopscotch
This is the end of the world round of the prose competition that I ran on this website.

There are only three entries so there'll be no voting. I'm keeping the authors anonymous.

Due to lack of interest this will be the last prose competition.

Enjoy the final entries:

Originally posted by Nordlys
Gah. First you say there's no deadline and you'll wait until you have five entries, and then you suddenly settle with three and don't even give us the 24 hours you said you would give us when you got five entries. Sneaky. 😞 And I was looking forward to the Pretentious Round...

Originally posted by Starrman
You know I had the pretentious round in the bag, so you didn't miss out 🙂

Originally posted by Nordlys
You have no idea how pretentious my entry would have been. 😏

My entry would have been so pretentious that everyone else would hate it because they wouldn't get it.

Originally posted by Nordlys
Gah. First you say there's no deadline and you'll wait until you have five entries, and then you suddenly settle with three and don't even give us the 24 hours you said you would give us when you got five entries. Sneaky. 😞 And I was looking forward to the Pretentious Round...

Originally posted by hopscotch
Sorry Nordlys. I think my last advertisement for entries has slipped back down to page 12, and the last entry I received was weeks ago. I have to assume that I'm not going to be getting any more.
I was also looking forward to the pretentious round, but alas. This is the final countdown.

Originally posted by XanthosNZ
We're leaving together
But still it's farewell
And maybe we'll come back
To earth, who can tell
I guess there is no one to blame
We're leaving ground (leaving ground)
Will things ever be the same again
It's the final countdown...
The final countdown
Ooh oh

We're heading for Venus (Venus)
And still we stand tall
Cause maybe they've seen ...[text shortened]... e final countdown)
Ooh
It's the final countdown
We are leaving together
The final countdown

Originally posted by XanthosNZ
My entry would have been so pretentious that everyone else would hate it because they wouldn't get it.

Originally posted by hopscotch
Sorry Nordlys. I think my last advertisement for entries has slipped back down to page 12, and the last entry I received was weeks ago. I have to assume that I'm not going to be getting any more.
I was also looking forward to the pretentious round, but alas. This is the final curtain.

Originally posted by hopscotch
This is the end of the world round of the prose competition that I ran on this website.

There are only three entries so there'll be no voting. I'm keeping the authors anonymous.

Due to lack of interest this will be the last prose competition.

Enjoy the final entries: