An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
🙂
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars"
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
😵
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each.
Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
😛
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."
🙂
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
😉
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him:
"I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result he got "minus pi times r square".
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"
😕
Jokes About Money
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars"
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to each.
Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand around as though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around the corner."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came on the next day, sealed a few screws and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him:
"I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result he got "minus pi times r square".
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."
😵
When the office printer's type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
😲
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
🙄
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend Morris out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That 104' one over there is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And see that huge 210' yacht there? That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," Morris said. "Why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
😛
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
😉
The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
He said "Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"But how do you make right decisions?"
"One word." he responded.
"And, sir, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get experience?"
"Two words."
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
🙂
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the man passed the old lady's pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."