Here are a few more jokes.
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times before?"
"Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband no. 2 was in Software Support, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband no. 3 as from Field Services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband no. 4 was in Telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband no. 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband no. 6 was from Finance and Administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband no. 7 was in Marketing, although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband no. 8 was a psychiatrist, all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband no. 9 was a gynaecologist, all he did was look at it.
Husband no. 10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was.......... God I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!".
"Good" said the husband, "but why?"
"You're a Tax Man. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists... two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil........ Don't mess with them!
SOUTH PHILLY TONY ON MATHS.
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on South Philly Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."
Then South Philly Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which South Philly Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring,' but I like your thinking."
GROAN JOKES
1) Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2) Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes,
I'm positive..."
3) A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
4) Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4a) A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."
5) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6) A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
7) Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
8) "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not
Unusual."
9) Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10) An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
11) Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him
down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really
heavy."
13) Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there
are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
14) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
15) I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
16) A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17) I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
18) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat
it too.
19) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
20) Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here."
Originally posted by heldenRec. Just for the Tom Jones joke though!
Here are a few more jokes.
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times before?"
"Well, husband no. 1 was a Sales Representative, he ke ...[text shortened]... with no eyes? A fsh.
20) Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here."
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
helden you jogged my memory.
Two cows standing in a field. One says to the other, " So what d'yu reckon about this mad cow disease then??".
Other replies, " AAhh , I'm not really bothered, I'm a sheep!"
Edit: Did you hear about the gynaecologist who decorated his hallway through the letter box!
Well I give it so I must Take it:--
What do you call a scouser in a suit??
The accused.
What do you call a scouser in a semi-detached house??
A burglar.
Two scousers going across the Mersey on a ferry. One sees the other about to jump in and commit suicide so he runs up, puts his arm around his neck and asks "Where d'ya work?"
A swede was travelling on the night-train, but he couldn't find his seat. The conductor asked him if he could approximately remember where it was. "No," the swede said, "all I can remember is that there was a river outside of it."
Two norwegians were telling swedish jokes. "Do you know how to save a swede from drowning?" the one said. "No," his friend said after a little while. The first norwegian grinned, "Oh, That's good."