Far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire,but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills.
An inconsequential man named Alec getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he
throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing
blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use
it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for
as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want
to continue?" The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to
say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again
for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new
powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He
showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne.
After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;"
and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine
man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,
"What did you say '123' for?
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A blond goes to the hairdresser wearing headphones.At the appointed time she's taken to the stylist and says she like a perm. The stylist says"you'll have to take the headphones off" and the blond says "oh I can't please do the perm with them on". The stylist says "well I do my best but I can't say for sure that it'll work".He starts and after about 5 minutes the blond is asleep so the stylist decides to take the headphones off so he can do a proper job.When he's done he announces to the woman "right there we are all done". The woman doesn't respond. The stylists pokes the woman with no effect finally he checks for a pulse and discovers that his client has departed this earth.Thinking she's had a heart attack he calls the authorities and while he's waiting for them to show up he notices that there's something coming from the headphones so he listens and hears..."Breath in breath out".
Okay here is a few other blond jokes
How do you kill a dumb blond?
Put a scratchand sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
How do you confuse a dumb blond?
Put her in a circle room and tell her to sit in the corner.
How can you tell when a dumb blond has been on you computer?
There is white out on the screen and mouse traps everywhere
How do you get a one armed blond out of a tree?
wave at her.
Here is a non-blond joke.
One day a girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the side of a rode and is crying. A guy walks over to her and asks whats wrong. "well," she replies, "no one has ever hugged me before." The guy feels sorry for here and gives her a hug. She stops crying and the guy walks away. The next day the same girl is crying again and a different guy walks up to her and asks whats wrong. "I've never been kissed before." The guy feels sorry for her and gives her a little kiss on the cheek. She stops crying and the guy walks away. The next day she is crying again and another guy walks up to her and asks whats wrong. She replies "I've never been screwed before." So the guy pickes her up and throws her into a lake and says: "You're screwed now."
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer responded, "This is my property and you're not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle things in Tennessee." We settle small disagreements like this with the "three kick rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the three kick rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to bide by the local custom.
The farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to the rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pile.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "OK, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Originally posted by heldenSorry if you know it, it is fairly famous...
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve i ...[text shortened]... w it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A man walks into a bar. He is normal in every respect except that where his head should be, there is nothing but a huge lemon.
The barman can't help but ask, "What happened to you?"
The lemon-headed man replies: "Well, I found a lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and a genie came out and gave me three wishes."
"Yeah?" says the barman. "What then?"
"Well first I asked for riches beyond imagination. And it worked. That Ferrari out there is mine. This suit cost £1,000."
"What then?" asks the barman.
"Then I asked for world peace. And I don't know if you've noticed, but in the last few days all nations have just signed a peace accord and all wars have ended."
"I did notice that," says the barman. "But what happened then?"
The lemon-headed man looks at the barman quizzically.
"Then?" he says. "Well then I asked to replace my head with a huge lemon."
Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Presents for the Wife
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."
You Know You're Trailer Trash When
1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3.---You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.
5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."
8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.
10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."
12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs