I have a best friend who is forever complaining about his itchy haemorrhoids. He calls them 'the bum grapes of wrath'.
In the begin I thought my best friend was suffering from some other ailment; worms or something, for I was under the impression that only women who had given birth suffered from dangleberryitus.
My best friend has never given birth (something his girlfriend, who has given birth, is forever pointing out to us). So, I was very surprised to discover that haemorrhoids (which is unspellable really, I need to keep looking up the dictionary) can be obtained through various causes.
Seemingly, for men, one of the main causes is heavy lifting.
I swear to God that as soon as I heard that I stopped lifting anything heavy. Ever again.
Anyways, five years long the poor lad has been whining at me about his bum grapes and groping his arse in public, to the embarrassment of all concerned, let me assure you.
I was talking to him yesterday:
"Why don't you go to the chemist's and get a cream or something?"
"I once went in and bought some cream for 'my girlfriend'. It didn't work." He whines as he speaks, by the way.
"Why don't you get your girlfriend to tie strings around them and choke them of blood until they drop off?" I queried.
"They don't actually hang out your bum." he said.
That's when the conversation stopped. I always stop conversations when something I've held as true suddenly turns to farce.
I was always led to believe that piles hung in bunches out one's arse. Being polite and all I've never asked my best friend, his girl friend or my mum to bend over so I could have a wee look.
And this is what led me to do some serious investigative journalism into the matter for you all.
Right. This isn't for the faint of heart...believe me...
There are various degrees of haemorrhoids. Three to be precise.
First degree dangleberries are internal. I presume this is what my friend is suffering from. Here's what they look like:
http://www.endoatlas.com/co_va_05.html
I couldn't find any pictures of second degree dangleberries, but I presume they look like a wee jobby bobbing its head out of the designated orifice.
This is a picture of third degree haemorrhoids:
http://www.gpnotebook.co.uk/piles3.jpg
And God only knows, but I fear I've stumbled across a fourth level of haemorrhoid.
http://www.edu.rcsed.ac.uk/images/710.jpg
If this is a fourth degree of pile I've discovered, then I can rightfully name it!
I'm going to call it the Bowmannhoid.
It's just easier to spell...
😛
Originally posted by shavixmiryou are bored
I have a best friend who is forever complaining about his itchy haemorrhoids. He calls them 'the bum grapes of wrath'.
In the begin I thought my best friend was suffering from some other ailment; worms or something, for I was under the impression that only women who had given birth suffered from dangleberryitus.
My best friend has never given birth ...[text shortened]... tfully name it!
I'm going to call it the Bowmannhoid.
It's just easier to spell...
😛
Originally posted by shavixmirI've alerted your post.
I have a best friend who is forever complaining about his itchy haemorrhoids. He calls them 'the bum grapes of wrath'.
In the begin I thought my best friend was suffering from some other ailment; worms or something, for I was under the impression that only women who had given birth suffered from dangleberryitus.
My best friend has never given birth ...[text shortened]... tfully name it!
I'm going to call it the Bowmannhoid.
It's just easier to spell...
😛
I went to one of the links and it just made me throw up in my mouth a little (-HoH).
Originally posted by shavixmirMy dear God, that is really, really bad stuff, just as I am eating my chicken pie too!
I have a best friend who is forever complaining about his itchy haemorrhoids. He calls them 'the bum grapes of wrath'.
In the begin I thought my best friend was suffering from some other ailment; worms or something, for I was under the impression that only women who had given birth suffered from dangleberryitus.
My best friend has never given birth ...[text shortened]... tfully name it!
I'm going to call it the Bowmannhoid.
It's just easier to spell...
😛
Nice one Shav.
Originally posted by shavixmirfrom the fact that you post this, I deduct that you suffer from Bowmannoids 😛
I have a best friend who is forever complaining about his itchy haemorrhoids. He calls them 'the bum grapes of wrath'.
In the begin I thought my best friend was suffering from some other ailment; worms or something, for I was under the impression that only women who had given birth suffered from dangleberryitus.
My best friend has never given birth ...[text shortened]... tfully name it!
I'm going to call it the Bowmannhoid.
It's just easier to spell...
😛
Originally posted by shavixmirI'm not looking. Tell him to go to a doctor. Somehow, men have a problem with this simple solution.
I have a best friend who is forever complaining about his itchy haemorrhoids. He calls them 'the bum grapes of wrath'.
In the begin I thought my best friend was suffering from some other ailment; worms or something, for I was under the impression that only women who had given birth suffered from dangleberryitus.
My best friend has never given birth ...[text shortened]... tfully name it!
I'm going to call it the Bowmannhoid.
It's just easier to spell...
😛
If he suffers from itching while he's walking, tell him to point the toes of his feet _outward_ an extra 1/2 inch each side (in other words, this is an "anti-pigeon-toeing" adjustment, and it does not need to be much). He should get relief in 10-20 steps.
Seriously.
Also, even if he has piles (external hemorrhoids), he should start the day by stuffing himself a hemorrhoidal suppository. The idea is to keep himself lubricated as he moves about.
Finally, tell him not to sit with his legs crossed.
Don't ask how I know all this.
Originally posted by CrawlIceAn expert on the field...
If he suffers from itching while he's walking, tell him to point the toes of his feet _outward_ an extra 1/2 inch each side (in other words, this is an "anti-pigeon-toeing" adjustment, and it does not need to be much). He should get relief in 10-20 steps.
Seriously.
Also, even if he has piles (external hemorrhoids), he should start the day by stuf ...[text shortened]... about.
Finally, tell him not to sit with his legs crossed.
Don't ask how I know all this.
Welcome in our midsts!
