Originally posted by arrakisThe man slips on a marmalade sandwich and bangs his head against the brick wall. Anyone would get dizzy under such circumstances. As for being nauseous, alcohol is not the only reason you may throw up. There can be many reasons. Besides, a higher tolerance for alcohol is not immunity to it's effects, you understand. Sooner or later things start to shut down. It's a physical inevitability.
They do not puke.
They do not have hangovers.
Alcoholics might fall down down, but not the way you describe it - they wouldn't feel the room spinning around them.
I thank you for your opinion, though.
Originally posted by chess player 323Yes! I know what you mean and I'm really working on that one. Thanks. 🙂
its ok, a few of the senteces seemed to stop the flow, the ones i quoted seemed to be the stoppers, try finding some other way to say talk about irony, that ought to smoothen it out, nice overall though
Originally posted by arrakisSorry Arrakis, but not all Alcoholics are the same. Just as not all liquor is the same. Maybe he popped a few pills too. Who knows, we didn't read the whole novel.
I don't mean to be cruel cause I like you, stocken, but the story is absolutely horrible.
Why is it horrible? Cause you try to describe a scene that an alcoholic might go through, but you apparently know nothing about alcoholics.
They do not puke.
They do not have hangovers.
Alcoholics might fall down down, but not the way you describe it - they woul ...[text shortened]... ning around them.
Only non-alcoholics who get drunk have those symptoms. Alcoholics don't.
The story line was good but not great yet. Stocken painted a picture well. I could visualize the situation and and as SJ said smell it too. It could very well be the beginning of a great novel. Although I have seen the same movie and read the same book a thousand times. What makes it different is what I would want to know. Grammar can be easily corrected. Make the story line different than everyone else and you will have a best seller.
Originally posted by cashthetrashI do have a twist to the story that I think is both unusual and interesting. But bestseller material? No, I don't think it's that original. I should probably have worked a little harder on the storyline. It's just that, I didn't want this story to be about anything but George's alcoholism and the effects it has on his surrounding.
Make the story line different than everyone else and you will have a best seller.
Now that I explain this, I realise it's kinda thin. 😕 Back to the drawing board, then.
Originally posted by cashthetrashArsekiss doesn't know what he's talking about 99% of the time...
Sorry Arrakis, but not all Alcoholics are the same. Just as not all liquor is the same. Maybe he popped a few pills too. Who knows, we didn't read the whole novel.
If we all just ignore him, he will eventually run out of steam (and hopefully slit his own wrists - but that would just be a bonus).
I think it's a pretty good start.
A lot of books seem to try to be too clever with the intro and end up being cringy. The first paragraph I like a lot.
The next two are pretty good, too but maybe try to be a bit too clever i.e. too word-smithy and descriptive rather than getting on with the story.
Not bad, though!
Originally posted by VargYes, I do tend to drag out on the whole "crawling in his own dispair" moment. But I've fallen in love with that text (it works especially well in swedish) and can't quite find it in my heart to rip things out. I'd hand it to good friends, but they'll just go easy on me. I should hand it to someone who doesn't mind ripping my heart out and stomp on it, but for the reason of wanting to improve my story rather than destroying me as a person.
I think it's a pretty good start.
A lot of books seem to try to be too clever with the intro and end up being cringy. The first paragraph I like a lot.
The next two are pretty good, too but maybe try to be a bit too clever i.e. too word-smithy and descriptive rather than getting on with the story.
Not bad, though!
Of course, the only one I can trust to do that, is me. Oh, the irony. A pompous, self-absorbed infant facing the challenge of self-criticism. It's just too much, is all. 😞
Originally posted by stockenIs this from your memoirs?
Yes, I do tend to drag out on the whole "crawling in his own dispair" moment. But I've fallen in love with that text (it works especially well in swedish) and can't quite find it in my heart to rip things out. I'd hand it to good friends, but they'll just go easy on me. I should hand it to someone who doesn't mind ripping my heart out and stomp on it, but fo ...[text shortened]... f-absorbed infant facing the challenge of self-criticism. It's just too much, is all. 😞
I thought it was good. The device of turning the apartment into some kind of monster was especially well-done. I'm not too familiar with alcaholism but I'm sure you've got something with potential here. The only thing that bothered me was that you made the first paragraph a little confusing in that I wasn't sure whether to laugh or not. It was a serious thing, the dad being drunk, but you made it seem comic in a way. Other than that, not bad at all.
Originally posted by D3vilBoyI know what you mean. I wanted it to be a little comical to make the contrast stronger as you realise it's really not. Reading it now, I can see that it's not comical in that sense at all. It's more comical in the sense that the reader may put the book down and shake his/her head. I'll have to work on that.
The only thing that bothered me was that you made the first paragraph a little confusing in that I wasn't sure whether to laugh or not. It was a serious thing, the dad being drunk, but you made it seem comic in a way.
This was good critique. Thank you.
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Originally posted by stockenAre you planning on writing in English or Swedish?
Ok. I'm gonna give you people a sample of a book I'm writing. And I hope you'll either stay the hell out of this thread (if you're not interested) or give me your honest opinion. (Yes, you may totally debunk all my writer ambitions; shatter my hopes to pieces, so long as you give me your honest opinion on this.)
The book is about a raging alcoholic trying do you think, people? Should I just keep my day job? 😕
There is oversimplification at times...I'm sure Adrian knows that George is his dad. The desperation of the situation didn't seem to come across naturally either.
[EDIT] And the first line confused me. ANd d3vil or whoever is right, the first paragraph comes across like a slapstick.
D
Originally posted by RagnorakI'm writing in swedish. You make good points that are valid irrespective of language.
Are you planning on writing in English or Swedish?
There is oversimplification at times...I'm sure Adrian knows that George is his dad. The desperation of the situation didn't seem to come across naturally either.
D
Thanks.
